Nobody likes division. No one wants to feel like they are divided. Ostracized. An Outsider. Rejected. Ashamed. Ick!

Yet, we see division saturating our culture now. We can’t help but notice there’s political power in division. Behind the division, there’s a pile of shame.

We invent phrases that subtly point to symptoms of shame. We talk about things like ghosting and the millennium stare. Or one Greg Gutfeld made famous, “virtue signaling.”

As Christians, we have a lot to offer about freedom from shame. And, yes, even unity. None of us have to succumb to the symptoms of false shame, for instance. We can achieve true freedom and unity. We can offer freedom from shame to others.

Why would a good God invent shame, that’s what I wanted to know. What I learned surprised me. I had no idea that one big reason for division is shame. 

Division is painful. We all crave unity. Comfortable companionship. How in the world could division caused by shame be a good thing?

The following is a part of my Shame Reboot Series. This is from Lesson 1, Shame: the Great Divide. If I can serve you, your church, or your business by presenting this info in person or via zoom, please contact me.

My Car’s Dashboard, Division from Danger

About 3 years ago, my car started billowing smoke. Naturally, I was on a busy corner at rush hour. Even though I knew I would cause a traffic jam, I still hit my flashers, put it in park, and jumped out of my car. I ran to safety on the grass as I called David. Then, I watched expectantly. Surely, flames were about to engulf my car.

Dave reassured me that my car was not going to explode. I probably just had a loose coolant hose. He’d be right there. Nice!

Again last month, on a Friday night, my dashboard gauge suddenly jumped from cool to hot. This time Dave was driving. 

He kept driving, watching the gauge. Rather than stop, he drove straight to the parts store. Once there, he bought and added more coolant. I called the dealership in Frankston (Lade Ford) where I always take my car, and made an appointment for Monday. We went right on with our plans which included a really fun night with our dear friends and a concert to see Cece Winans. 

Both times, Dave understood what the dashboard was telling us. 

Likewise, our emotions are God’s dashboard for us. Emotions tell us if our motor is running properly.

What is shame? 

Shame is just one of the many red lights on the dashboard of our life. But it’s a big one. (A quick google search tells me Daniel Goleman or Paul Ekman first compared our emotions to a dashboard.) 

Simply put, shame is designed to divide us from evil and unite us back to God. Healthy shame is a good thing God gave us to protect us.

Questions about division and shame to cover today–

• Question #1 What’s the purpose of shame?
• Question #2 What does division caused by shame look like?

Next week, we’ll look at Question #3: Why would a good God design shame to divide?

Question #1 What’s the purpose of shame?

God meant for shame to be our signal when we get off track. Shame tells us it’s time to check a roadmap because we’ve taken a wrong turn leading us away from God and others. Dividing ourselves from all we love.

In the early chapters of Genesis, we see a warning about being ashamed. 

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”~Genesis 1:24-25 italics mine.

In other words, from the beginning, shame was already a possibility, a protective force for good. Adam and Eve were not ashamed yet because they had not yet disobeyed God. But God had already set up the early warning system–the dashboard–they would soon learn to recognize.

Shame’s purpose was to divide us from sin, i.e. our own selfishness. Shame is supposed to reunite us with God and others.

Church-y Words

Sin may seem like a “church-y” word, but stick with me. God never intended for anything to seem self-righteous or “church-y.” Our goal in these six Shame Reboot Lessons is freedom. I intend to break shame down into down-home, easy-to-understand concepts.

Simply put, healthy shame is connected with true moral issues. Healthy shame is meant to be uncomfortable. Do you hate someone? Is your relationship with your parents complicated? Shame fuels our desire to draw closer to God and others.

If there is healthy shame, then there is also false shame. False shame is connected with foolish burdens. Did I burn supper? Forget to turn in my project? Am I ashamed of the way I look? False shame distracts us with unnecessary burdens and trips us up in our relationships with God and others.  

What is unity with God?

Unity with God is a way of living that reflects trust in His good character, His divine nature. We call it fellowship. Or abiding in His Holy Spirit.

We see in the first bit of Genesis that God instructed Adam like a good Father. We all wish our human dads could be as tender and gentle as the loving Father we see in this opening of the Old Testament.

If not for Jesus, we’d have a hard time understanding just how good God’s heart is toward us all. And how sacrificially He loves each one of us. We are each worth what God paid for us; we are very valuable to Him.  

I’m sure God was hoping that his children would choose what was in their best interest: obedience to His good leadership. But, just in case, He also provided for humanity’s free will to go haywire.

No matter what we’ve done up until today, second chances are available in God’s Son, Jesus Christ. Like a good Father, He offers redemption, if we will receive it.

God also invented an emotion to help us step back into unity with Him; shame.

Question #2 What does division (caused by shame) look like today?

Division caused by shame in our families or churches has obvious symptoms. The most obvious symptom of shame is hiding.

 When Adam and Eve disobeyed God, they corrupted the trusting relationship they had with Him. They immediately went into hiding. Feeling a need to hide is one of the primary clues that a person feels ashamed. 

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings. And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. Then the Lord God called to Adam and said to him, ‘Where are you?’ So he said, ‘I heard Your voice in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; and I hid myself.’” ~Genesis 3: 7-10 

When God could not find Adam and Eve easily, He called for them. Why? 

• to hang out as usual?
• or, like any good parent, because it got too quiet?

Who knows? Probably because He wanted to reestablish the relationship. Certainly, He knew they were hiding. The main takeaway here is God sought them out when they hid in shame.

Today, He still seeks us out, too, even when we make poor choices. Even when we hide because we feel ashamed.

How does division and shame look when we notice it in our own life or in our families and churches?

Shame is easy to identify once we know what to look for.  We can easily identify shame in our own behaviors. Or in others’ behaviors. Shame is on everybody’s dashboard.

Maybe we hide by avoiding “public” knowledge of our misbehavior. Or perhaps, we accept a lie, like Eve did, because we think our selfish way might be better,i.e. we “hide” from God’s way of doing things.

In other examples, we’ve all ducked away from people you don’t want to see at the grocery store. We’ve all avoided “difficult” people at church. At family gatherings we choose the seat farthest from a relative we don’t want to talk to.

Subtle Symptoms of Shame that Divide

Subtle symptoms expose our shame, too. They include denying, blaming, gaslighting, or making excuses.Take blaming others, for instance. When God asks Adam who told him he was naked, Adam immediately begins shifting the blame away from himself.  

“And He said, ‘Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree of which I commanded you that you should not eat?’ Then the man said, ‘The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I ate’.” ~Genesis 3:11-12 (italics mine)

Wow! Adam not only blames Eve, he blames God, too.

Denial/Blaming 

How does it look when we try to shift blame away from ourselves by blaming, denying, or gaslighting? Certainly, there are times when we all blame others without taking responsibility for our own decision. Besides obviously blaming others, a couple of examples of denial include refusing to apologize or not taking responsibility.

In a personal example, I was grown before I realized some parents correct squabbling kids by saying, “Who did it?” Or, “Who started it?” Both questions encourage kids to lie or blame. Blaming each other divides our kids just as it can divide church members or employees. 

Instead, my mom always asked each of my siblings, “What did you do?” Mom never let me off the hook no matter who started the squabble.

Personal accountability is the first step to unity. 

What do hiding, blaming, denying, gaslighting, or making excuses tell us about ourselves?

Hiding, blaming, denying, gaslighting, or making excuses can all be symptoms of shame. All reveal a need to get right with God and other people.

Question #3 Why would a good God design shame to divide?

I wanted to cover Question #3 this week. But today’s blog was long enough. So I’ve already drafted Question #3 into a blog that will come to your inbox next week, if you’re signed up for my blog. (If you are, thank you!)

Next week, we’ll see how shame is one of God’s saving graces. Shame can keep our family safe in a culture that’s gone crazy.

Summary about Division and Shame

Question #1 What is the purpose of shame? To divide us from evil. To separate us from the world. Shame is a powerful force designed by God to drive us back to Him. 

Question #2 How does division caused by shame look? Hiding, blaming, denying, gaslighting, making excuses. 

Thank you!

God wants His people to worship Him and live in close fellowship with Him and others who love Him. He wants us to have the emotional energy to reach out to people who are hurting.

Thank you so much for hanging in there as we talk about a very difficult topic. I am so very proud of us. 😂

My hubby laughs when I say I’m proud of myself. It sounds like bragging to him. But thinking hard is work and it’s okay for us to feel good about thinking hard.

If I can serve you by helping you start better conversations in your church, family, or business, please reach out. I believe this Shame Reboot is life-changing.

Let us love and respect God’s goodness together, unashamed.

🙂

cathy

A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg who patiently challenged me to think harder as he read and critiqued the Shame Reboot Series. Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight. 

Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your input and encouragement. 

Discussion Questions:

I hope something in today’s blog resonated with you. Maybe you, too, can find ways to start great conversations about freedom from shame in your world. If I can help, please reach out. Just in case, let’s end with discussion questions today.

• When is shame a healthy response?
• When is shame an unhealthy response?

Let’s Pray Together

Dear good Father, please open up a great conversation now among us. We want to be free of shame and division. Draw us close to You so that we can lean into the comforting, cleansing power of Your Holy Spirit. Have mercy on us, sinners, as we come into the presence of Your Holiness, Your purity. Hide us under the most precious gift ever given, our Savior’s own blood. Show us the source of our shame. Teach us how to live before You unashamed and how to be united with each other in Your honor. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.

More To Come—

More Lessons for Freedom from Shame and Division

In the coming weeks, I’ll take up the task of showing how shame, something that divides, can actually unite us as churches, families, and children of God. You can get all the lessons in your inbox by subscribing here. (There is no charge to subscribe; the form is real basic. I never sell or share your info. Never, ever.)

Next time: Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide? Stay tuned!

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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!

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