In today’s blog, we look at the difference between fake shame and healthy shame. Do I have fake shame and how will I know? What is the source of my false shame?
There’s a quick video to go with today’s question, in case you want the short answer. Find it here or by tapping the picture on the right. I can’t seem to figure out how to embed videos half the time. Ugh!
If you missed the first two blogs in this series, you might be wondering: What? There’s healthy shame?
Yes, shame was created by God as a blessing. You can find out more here: Division: What’s Shame Got to Do With It? and Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide? This is Blog 3 from the Shame ReBoot Series I created for healthier cultures in families, churches, small groups and businesses.
Today, we’re exploring Questions 4 and 5 in this Shame Reboot series.
- Question #4 Do I have fake shame and how will I know?
- Question #5 What are the main sources of my false shame?
The goal is to free folks from any kind of shame–both false (fake) or healthy shame–so we have more energy to love each other wisely.
Here’s today’s quick video about the sources of false shame.
Fake Shame vs. Healthy Shame Quiz
Just for fun, let’s run through a few examples and see if we can spot the difference between healthy shame and false shame, or what I sometimes call fake shame. As you read, I want you to ask yourself, is this true shame or false shame?
Example #1—
Your spouse says something harsh about taking out the trash. You feel your face flush. Your red face tells you you feel shame. (And probably anger and hurt.) This is a regular argument you have with each other. Now you’re mad because you’ve been scolded and you know you would have taken out the trash eventually. Your spouse is angry, too, stomping around the kitchen, slamming drawers, emptying the dishwasher with too much drama. Plus, the stuffed kitchen bag just flew out the back door where the raccoons can get it. Is what you feel true shame or false shame?
Example #2—
Your coworker apologizes because he failed to call you back. When you didn’t hear from him, you texted and emailed, too. When he sees you in the hall, he apologizes three times in a row for not calling you back. His apology tells you he feels shame. Each time you assure him you understand he’s got lots of priorities. Really all you want to do is move the conversation back to the original reason you called him in the first place. But he seems stuck in feeling like he failed you and you could care less now that you get the chance to ask your quick question. Is what he feels true shame or false shame?
Example #3—
At church, your friend hears you complain about something small. You apologize because you know better than to complain. But, because what you said is accurate, the word is out. Now you have a massive problem and a lot of hurt feelings. You kinda wish you’d just kept your big mouth shut. On one hand, you feel ashamed of complaining. On the other hand, the original issue still kinda needs attention. The small problem is not even hard to fix, but “ick,” the situation is now messy! Is what you feel true shame or false shame?
Example #4—
Your child does something he knows is “bad.” He comes out of his bedroom saying, “I didn’t do it, Mommy.” Immediately, you know he feels guilty—or ashamed—about something. Until you investigate, you really don’t know what’s happened. But the good news is, by bringing his guilt/shame to you, he’s already taken a step toward reconciliation, no matter what’s happened. Is what he feels true shame or false shame?
Keep reading for the answers in today’s blog. 🥰
Shaking Off Fake (False) Shame
Here’s what will help us shake off fake (false) shame today:
- False Shame and its source—If we can identify false shame, we won’t get trapped by it.
- Shame is supposed to be painful. Shame is kinda like surgery; it hurts to help us. Healthy shame energizes us so we can step away from sin. And away from fake false shame.
- How? Because we know healthy shame is a mercy. Healthy shame is what we need to correct long term bad attitudes and habits. But fake false shame, on the other hand, is an insidious trap. We can recognize the trap.
- Fake shame is often used to manipulate, deceive, and control us. False (fake) shame separates us from God and from each other.
Question #4 Do I have false shame and how will I know?
Fake shame can be subtle. However, once we notice the difference between false shame and healthy/corrective shame, fake false shame gets easier to spot.
Guilt or Shame?
Let’s start with a quick definition between guilt and shame. One common distinction goes like this. Guilt is what we feel when we do something wrong. Shame says we’re not worthy.
“Guilt = I did something bad. Shame = I am bad. Shame is about who we are, and guilt is about our behaviors.” ~Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are
A great distinction. But there’s more to the story of shame. (I’m a big fan of fellow Longhorn Brene Brown‘s work, btw.)
Why would God give us an emotion that makes us feel unworthy of His love? He wouldn’t. Not if He designed all our emotions to keep us united with Him. Shame’s purpose couldn’t be to make us feel fundamentally flawed or unworthy.
Of course, the consequence of a habitual attitude or behavior might make us feel like we’ve messed up so bad even God couldn’t love us. But is that true? Of course not!
We’ll dig in deeper to guilt and shame in a later lesson, but for now let’s use the following distinction.
Guilt the Quick Trigger to Repentance
Think of guilt as the quick trigger. In other words, we mess up and we instantly feel guilty. That’s our clue to repent, ask God for forgiveness. Maybe we need to ask another person for forgiveness, too. Okay, that should release us from any true guilt. Guilt is a sweet mercy when we deal with it instantly.
But what if we ignore our feeling of guilt and choose denial. I didn’t do anything wrong, we think.
Shame the Fuel to Turn Away from Habitual Sin
Speaking as a person who is an expert on sin, shame is sometimes what it takes to help us give up long-term, self-destructive habits.
In that case, healthy shame is our friend. As a bad habit develops, shame is there to nudge us to confess our mistaken attitude and behaviors. The pain of shame makes us want to begin a new chapter. Without that old bad habit.
Sometimes the source of our own personal guilt and shame is decisions we make to turn away from God’s ways. Sometimes the devil jumps in there and piles on more accusations, often silly ones (like negative self talk) to keep us bound up in pain.
When we turn away from God, the result is what we call worldliness today. In Old Testament writings, worldliness and idolatry are closely linked.
Thank you for taking a quick look at the difference between shame and guilt with me.
Now let’s take a closer look at false (fake) shame and how it comes into play.
False (Fake) Shame vs. Healthy Shame Quiz Answers
How well did you identify false (fake) shame in our examples?
If you guessed Examples 1 & 2 were false (fake) shame, pat yourself on the back.
Yep, Examples 1 & 2 were false (fake) shame. Failing to call people back or take out the trash promptly are simply not moral issues, no matter how annoying they may be. We all deal with fake shame in some form or another because we all fail to live up to our own expectations sometimes.
If you missed Example 3, don’t let it discourage you; it was a little tricky. Americans particularly feel justified in speaking up when we don’t like a situation. But how we speak up matters. Complaining and grumbling are a moral issue because they speak to God’s authority. There are better ways to take up differences of opinion than complaining, ways that are direct and constructive. Feeling ashamed in that case is simply a clue to learn some new communication skills. No biggie. Although an apology for complaining might be helpful.
I like Example 4 the best. Sometimes as a parent you simply can’t figure out what is going on! Was it a rebellious act of destruction? An overly tender conscience? Who knows? Even so, when our kids bring us their feeling of guilt or shame, we have a perfect example of how guilt and shame correct and draw us back together. Congratulations to every parent who ever had a child say, “I didn’t do it!”
How to Identify Shame?
The simplest way to know if we’re experiencing healthy shame or false (fake) shame is to ask yourself an easy question. Which of the Ten Commandments am I breaking?
I know this sounds simplistic, but the Ten Commandments are a great place to begin. In my personal experience with shame, simple is good.
We’re gonna spend a lot more time on The 10 Commandments in another lesson. They are found in Exodus 20:2-17. Personally, I need to review them often. When we camped in Arkansas recently, we saw them posted everywhere. I wish I had a big red barn like the ones in Arkansas to post the 10 Commandments on at my house!
Question #5 What are the sources of my false (fake) shame?
I am willing to bet EVERYONE has struggled with fake shame. Now that we have played around with the difference between healthy shame and false (fake) shame, let’s look at where false shame comes from.
Source of Fake Shame: People
First, we can’t overlook one obvious source of false shame; people.
God gave all people a beautiful free will. As a result, we make daily choices. Sometimes our choices may seem insignificant–just minor moments of selfishness–but they can have powerful effects.
A mom can subtly transfer shame to her daughter without realizing it just in the way she talks about others. For example, can you believe our neighbor can’t control her dog; what a bad owner she is! Or a dad may call his son stupid, even as a joke. Maybe he makes snarky comments to his friends in front of his children. Or coworkers may try to bully you for being a Christian. All are examples of people making small decisions to falsely shame another person.
I once witnessed a leader indulge in a mini temper tantrum before a crowd of about sixty wholehearted volunteers. He chose to scold adults, putting a guilt trip on them; he shamed them to get them more involved. Remember, false (fake) shame is a great way to manipulate and control.
In his impatience, this leader put his drive for quick results over the best interests of the long-term project. His was a rookie mistake that’s easily corrected. Simply asking for help and vision building would have had better results for him in the long run. Shame and guilt are so powerful, we are sometimes tempted to manipulate people with them, but don’t do it!
Source of Fake Shame: Satan
Second, Satan is another obvious source of false shame.
Whenever Satan knows God invented something powerful, he’ll try to misuse it himself. Shame is designed to divide us from idolatry and unite us back to God. So Satan can’t wait to get his hands on shame. Most of all, he loves to torture us with false (fake) shame.
Incidentally, Satan literally just means “The Accuser,” it’s actually a title more than a name. Maybe a nickname. (Thanks to writer Mark Legg for this tip.)
The Bible tells us Satan wastes no time piling up accusations against us without mercy (Revelation 12:10). When the Accuser whispers accusations, we sometimes accept them as our own thoughts. Then, we may feel falsely unworthy. But remember that God paid for you with a price too valuable to calculate. You are definitely worthy according to God. Besides the same passage in Revelation declares this.
“Then I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, ‘Now salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of His Christ have come, for the accuser of our brethren, who accused them before our God day and night, has been cast down. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death. Therefore rejoice, O heavens, and you who dwell in them! Woe to the inhabitants of the earth and the sea! For the devil has come down to you, having great wrath, because he knows that he has a short time.’” ~Revelation 12:10-12
How Does Fake Shame Sound?
Take the example of negative self-talk. We’ve all probably experienced weird thoughts like, Oh if only I hadn’t done that foolish thing. Now I’ll never be able to face that person again.
Really? Because as a person with a history of foolishness, I find people were really quick to understand. In fact, it still surprises me how often people laugh when I confess almost any foible. We can all relate to mistakes.
Satan’s dedication to inciting fake shame is a good reason to study the difference between healthy shame and false shame.
It’s pretty safe to assume Satan or one of his minions might be harassing you by offering you foolish ideas. Some of Satan’s accusations are pretty funny, when you stop to think about it. He’ll do anything to make us feel false (fake) shame.
When I read how hard Jesus came down on the Pharisees, i.e. “the spiritual people,” I always remind myself that He loved them, too. The Pharisees were the spiritual “la dee das” of His day. I like what Jesus said:
You are of your father the devil, and the desires of your father you want to do. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own resources [native language], for he is a liar and the father of it. ~John 8:44. (Emphasis added.)
Wow! Bold. We assume Jesus is scolding them. And he kinda is. But it’s fun to reread that passage, using a gentle voice.
Jesus is entreating them to see their mistake because He loves the Pharisees and Sadducees. He is pleading with them to come out of denial, open their eyes to their blasphemy of the Holy Spirit, i.e. ignoring God’s Spirit who first offered them gentle correction.
Jesus wants those He loves (including the Pharisees) to understand they’ve been listening to the devil who hates them. Instead of listening to God who loves them.
Jesus appealed to their hearts in the best way possible. He clarified the source of false guilt or false shame. Satan was having a hay day with the religious leaders, twisting their myriads of religious traditions against them. At the same time, Jesus brought freedom to those listening in, who might be misled, controlled, or manipulated by religious leaders.
We need to pay attention to the old Accuser’s tricks. Satan’s lies can be pernicious. They often go to the heart of our worth. There’s a reason self-rejection is rampant in America today.
Really, we don’t have time to spare. Today, we must fend off fake shame because we have bigger fish to fry. People need to be reached with the worth-affirming truth that they are loved by a God who knows them to their core.
Next Time
Next time, we’ll push back on false shame to claim freedom. We’ll take on Question #6 How do we shake free of this wicked counterfeit (false shame and false accusations and negative self talk) straight from the pit of hell?
Summary: To Shake Off Fake Shame
When we understand the difference between healthy shame and false (fake) shame, we can shake off both kinds of shame a lot easier. Plus, it helps to know the one behind most fake shame is our enemy the devil.
We all struggle with false (fake) shame because Satan’s got nothing better to do than lie and accuse. But we are armed with a simple ruler to judge our own motives, The 10 Commandments.
If our healthy shame is rooted in a moral failing, we need to repent. If it’s a simple mistake, we don’t need to beat ourselves up. We’ll explore those ideas more next time.
No matter what, we can rest in Jesus’ grace. And we can decide to grant others some grace, too. We’ll find grace easier if we submit to God and resist the devil.
“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7
A lot more on resisting the devil next time as we take on negative self talk!
Thank you so much for reading to this point. It took me years to unravel my own shame, that’s for sure. These ideas a lot to process, I know. I am proud of you for taking on such a difficult topic. Please know that as I write, I pray.
Obviously, some suffering is unavoidable. But suffering due to fake shame is NOT necessary! My desire is freedom from unnecessary pain for us all. You are dear to my heart. If this blog helped you, please let me know in the comments. I love hearing from you.
🙂
cathy
Let’s pray together
Dear Good Father, You deal with us so tenderly. We even see Your Son appealing to the Pharisees, His supposed enemies. Yet we know You loved them and wanted them to turn their hearts to You again. And Nicodemus did! What a beautiful transformation in his life! Please teach us how to rest in Your patient forgiveness and grace. Free us from fake shame and help us turn to You with our healthy shame so we can be free of it, too. I pray freedom for all who read this today and for myself and my family as well. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Conversation Questions:
In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church from today’s blog:
- In what ways can we begin to guard ourselves against manipulation using false shame?
- Why does false shame tend to make us angry? Or hurt?
More To Come—
Freedom in your Inbox
For further freedom from shame, you can get all the upcoming Shame Reboot Lessons by subscribing here. (There is no charge to subscribe and the form is real simple. I never sell or share your info. Never, ever.)
The Next Lesson: Negative Self Talk: Push Back Against False Shame. How do we shake free of this wicked counterfeit (false shame, false accusations, and negative self talk) straight from the pit of hell?
Special Shout Out
A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg who patiently challenged me to think harder as he read and critiqued the Shame Reboot Series. Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight.
Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your input, correction, and encouragement.
Making Marriage Great Again
Recently, I’ve shared a series of short videos hoping to give folks a marriage boost. Find them here. Also, you can find a bunch more videos on my YouTube channel.
Thank you for praying, too, that folks keep buying our books and sharing them with others. Your help and endorsements are essential to what we do. We are very GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!
We truly believe for those who want to reboot or rediscover the marriage of their dreams, Marriage Conversations is terrific!
Also, we LOVE all the ways Jesus took a woman from isolation to influence in one conversation, which I explored in The Well. (Shout out to my publishers, CrossRiver Media and Elk Lake Publishing. Both my publishers offer group discounts.)
This month, CrossRiver Media is doing a full blitz of my book, Marriage Conversations. (You can get the first chapter FREE here.) PLEASE share all our videos, memes, podcasts, and blogs. Thank you very much.
FREE Resources for Small Churches
If I can serve you or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:
- how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
- how to cultivate better communication in your church.
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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
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