Do you ever wish you’d done life differently? My favorite advice to receive is always tender wisdom from folks who’ve learned the hard way. For instance, when should we insist on help for elders in our family, like our own beloved parents? (Left: My parents as they hammed it up for the camera on their last Valentine’s Day together a few years ago; over 50 Valentine’s Days together. Imagine! Dad said, “Let’s pretend we’re in love,” as their granddaughter snapped the shot.)
Help For Elders
With them both gone now, I’m processing the last moments Mom and I had together on this earth. When it comes to elder care, I learned a few things the hard way, by making mistakes. Now, I find myself passing along this hard-won information to all my closest friend.
I didn’t know we were saying goodby. We thought Mom would go on to rehab as we had done so often in the past. Six weeks of no driving for her; six weeks of carpooling for me. No problem. Today, I share something specific I learned as my mom lay in the hospital for the last time.
Unprepared for the Unexpected
Instinctively I guess, somehow I sensed this time might be different. Legitimate fear toyed with our imaginations. What if therapy doesn’t cut it this time? She was obviously fragile. What if Mom is bedridden? Then, how do we tend to her 24/7?
I got caught be surprise. I didn’t initiate the right conversations. Crazy, right? I talk about everything. Honestly, right now, I think I’m still in denial. Can she really be gone? So, this is me offering you a chance to skip the panic I felt in those moments at the hospital when reality began to dawn on me.
Elders Can View Help as Intrusive
She and Dad had some temporary help along the way, but they wanted privacy. We respected that. Once Dad was gone, my mom was fiercely independent and determined to care for herself. We all loved and admired her for her amazing strength and heart. Still, the moment arrived when depending on others was unavoidable. We should have gotten more help.
In the process, between two massive strokes, I learned some valuable information. For instance, here’s a fact for you: If your parent has long term insurance to provide for home care, it can delay two or three months before kicking in. Sadly enough, patients often need around the clock care immediately after leaving the hospital. In fact, that’s when they need it most.
Making the Most Out of Insurance
Here’s what I learned. In the months leading up to a traumatic hospital visit, if you have anyone come in to help them, everything changes. For some policies, even a once-a-week visit can mean that the policy provides care without delay when the patient goes home from a hospital visit. Policies vary greatly, so this is a conversation you need to have with a professional.
If only we’d known. There were so many little things that would have freed up emotional energy for me. Maybe we would have hired someone to fix casseroles for us all. Or, someone to check on her to free me from worrying about her falling while I was at work. Perhaps, she might have enjoyed a “chauffeur” occasionally; she certainly deserved a little luxury after a lifetime of unselfish frugality.
There are so many ways folks can help. Some people have a regular helper come to play dominoes once a week. The kids get peace of mind; the elder gets mental therapy the fun way! Or, what about scheduling help that allows great grandparents to supervise after school care for the next generation?
Grief First, then More Lessons to Share
As you may realize, my mom went home to be with her Savior this past December. I can’t write about it yet; my heart is dull with grief. Eventually, my thoughts will clear and when they do, I will share more with you, my reading friends. For instance, I plan to write some thoughts about the difference between getting a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) and ensuring a natural death.
I learned a lot alongside my beloved mom. I want to share more, but first I have to cry and grieve privately. For now, this is the best I can do.
When to Get Help? Now.
Perhaps you find yourself in that impossible place of wondering when the moment will come to get extra help for your parents. I hope you are brave and bold and have the conversation I failed to have. Please initiate the conversations now, before you’re sitting next to a hospital bed wondering how time went so quickly.
Start with a Conversation
Maybe you can print this blog and give it to your parents. I hope they understand that by getting help, they’re actually taking care of themselves. They maintain their independence longer by getting the right kind of unintrusive help.
Thoughts for Mom or Dad
Mom or Dad, if your children hand you this blog, please let them line up some help for you. Not because you need it, but because they may need help. They want to spend time with you that is fun and tender. Once free of worry, they can cherish the time you have together. Everyone, especially your children, wants you to be independent as long as possible, making your own decisions. What a blessing to have options! Please listen to their ideas about good options that bless your whole family.
May I pray for you?
Dear Father, let us cherish each moment together because the time is too short. We thank you for the parents in our lives, no matter what kind of relationship we have had in the past. Now, as we try to tenderly care for them in their final stage of life, give us energy and stamina to respectfully love them well. You are a perfect Father, but the rest of us are human and frail in our parenting. Teach us to be faithful sons and daughters. Let us treat our own children with respect and tenderness. For those caring for elders, strengthen them now with overflowing love from You. Please reveal the priorities You have today for this dear reader to freely relax in Your plan. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
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Cathy Krafve, Texas Author, Columnist, Speaker, and Radio Host, focusing on fellowship in Christian Marriage and Family, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.
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