So many people get scalded by negative church experiences. For some, it’s hard to imagine meaningful connections at church.
I get it. I try to think of churches like hospitals. Some really sick people go there for healing. Some hospitals are better than others.
Likewise, some churches are healthier than others. A healthy church will teach the difference between healthy shame and false shame. So a good church can help free us of shame, especially false shame.
If we give false shame the boot, meaningful connections flourish.
I know a lot about shame. More than I ever wanted to, actually. So today, I’m sharing out of personal experience. No, I’m not a counselor, a doctor, a pastor, therapist, or anything else official. I like to say, sadly, I’m just an expert on sin. Ugh!
Echos of Shame Parenting: Making Meaningful Connections Instead
In case you would rather read than listen to the above video, here’s the personal story I shared.
I clearly remember a time when my dad said he was ashamed of me. One time only. He overheard and misunderstood a comment I made to a friend one day in the kitchen of my childhood home. He thought I was making fun of my friend. After she left, Dad soundly scolded me. Sadly, even though I wasn’t laughing at my friend, I was mocking my mom. But there’s no way I was gonna explain because laughing at my mom would have gotten me in so much more trouble!
Instead, I seethed with the injustice of it all!
Looking back, it’s pretty comical. What a little teenage hypocrite I was!
Interestingly, even as a youngster, I heard my grandfather’s tone of voice in my dad’s. You should be ashamed of yourself, it whispered. When I think back about my dad’s parenting, I suspect he made a point of never shaming us. He probably released us from that style of correction deliberately. If only he was here now so I could thank him!
Dad is proof we don’t have to pass on our parents’ mistakes.
We’ll look at two questions today:
- Questions #1: How can healthy churches free people of false shame?
- Questions #2: How does church fail us by not calling addictions what they are?
First, Let’s Look at Questions #1
How can healthy churches free people of false shame?
One job of the church is to offer true comfort to sinners. Like you and me.
Maybe you think of comfort as an answer to grief. So true, it sure is. But comfort is also a balm to shame. The root of shame is messing up. The cure is to confess our sin and let Jesus’ blood cover our mistake. The church has much comfort and hope to offer to anyone who suffers from shame.
The Church is compared to the bride of Christ. And the Bible tells us God made Eve to be a helper to Adam. All wives are intended to help their husbands. That includes offering them comfort when they need it.
And, yes, I like it when husbands help and comfort wives, too. You could even call me an equal opportunity helper because I really think we all reflect God’s glory beautifully when we help and comfort each other.
Maybe that’s why I like it so much that God’s Holy Spirit is described as a Helper or Comforter.
The church is supposed to follow the Holy Spirit’s lead in offering comfort. Here are some verses that help us understand why comfort is tied so closely to the church as Christ’s bride:
The Church compared to a wife loved by her husband:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. ~Ephesians 5:25-27
The wife is a helper:
And the Lord God said, “It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.” ~Genesis 2:18
The Holy Spirit is called a Helper/Comforter:
But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you. ~John 14: 26
Some translations say Comforter instead of Helper when describing the Holy Spirit. It makes sense that comforting people who are hurting would be the first step in helping them.
Meaningful Connections
A church that understands how to comfort people will be a real help to God. God created healthy shame to draw us away from sin and back to Him. He wants meaningful connections with each of us. Letting Jesus release us from shame is the first step to healthy connections with others.
Remember shame causes us to hide when we don’t deal with it. Hiding means isolation. The opposite of a healthy connection. When we hide instead of dealing with healthy shame, we become sitting ducks for false shame.
I like what Sandy Bristow said when I interviewed her, “Isolation is where Satan takes us before he goes in for the kill.”
Comfort is the best kind of help. It’s the first step in creating freedom from shame, resulting in meaningful connection.
Now Let’s Look at Question #2
How does church fail us by not calling addictions what they are?
In church, when we don’t connect addictions to idolatry, we fail to give people a chance to worship God wholly. We are really seeking him. Why? Because He is the only one who can forgive our sins, heal our deepest hurts, and free us from shame.
If you are thinking that it may seem like a stretch to associate addictions with idolatry, I understand your reservations. Stay with me for one moment, please. I keep circling back on this, but it’s really important. The Old Testament is clear that shame and idolatry go together. Here’s just one example:
“Let all be put to shame who serve carved images, who boast of idols.”~Psalm 97:7a
Shame: The Opposite of Meaningful Connection
Why is the connection between idolatry, addictions, and real shame so important?
Shame is designed to divide us from idols. So shame follows anything that takes us away from God. Addictions are a substitute “solution” to our shame problem. But how can we possibly have meaningful connections when we’re drowning in our negative emotions?
When the Christians fail to identify addictions as a form of substitute worship, or idolatry, then we set people up for relationship failure. Addictions become our daily habits or “rituals of worship.” Shame follows; sometimes shame is so subtle we don’t even understand what our emotions are telling us.
Worshiping God in a Meaningful Connection
How am I defining worship? Worship is when we bring our heart to God. Turning to Him for comfort and joy, we then proceed to bless others as we go through our day. I like the way Paul describes worship in the book of Romans. He defines worship as “reasonable service,” or a kind of lifestyle liturgy or habit of worship.
“I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. ~Romans 12:1-2
Blessing others flows out of our love for God. Sometimes we’re intentional about blessing others and sometimes blessings are just a happy accident. All of that equates to a lifestyle of worship, honoring God’s love for us in the moments that make up each day.
Substitute Worship
What do I mean by substitute worship? Substitute worship is when we don’t turn to God, so we turn to something else to receive a false comfort and substitute joy.
“The tiny Lilliputians surmise that Gulliver’s watch may be his god, because it is that which, he admits, he seldom does anything without consulting.” ~ Jonathan Swift, Gulliver’s Travels
We build our lifestyle around that substitute god, whether it’s alcohol or entertainment or food. It really doesn’t matter what the substitute is. We spend all our waking hours looking forward to the next fix. In other words, we worship the substitute god.
Ironically, if we can’t turn to God because we feel too ashamed, we will inevitably look for other ways to relieve our pain.
Just to be clear, not every one who takes a drink will be entrapped by alcoholism. Not everyone who has sexual intercourse will go outside the bounds of marriage.
Additionally, most people–even those of us who have struggled with addictions–don’t wake up suddenly one day and think, Okay, today I’ll worship Satan by doing the most self-destructive things I can think of.
Maybe that happens, but it seems like most people are first tempted by small things that don’t seem dangerous or evil at all. Often, it isn’t until those small choices blossom into full blown self-destruction that we begin to see the parallel from the Old Testament about idolatry.
How Idolatry Leads to Self-Destruction
For instance, many women secretly clung to household idols, the Old Testament reports. For one example, Rachel stole the household idols of her father and lied to him, Genesis 31, even though they were warned to destroy them (Exodus 20).
Such a harmless thing, just a pretty little silver statue.
But the small image brought to mind various gods or goddesses. For instance, worship of the goddess, Ashtoreth, was associated with awful conduct we would consider criminal or sexual assault. Condoning such a goddess meant the people often began to practice secret worship of false gods in the groves throughout Israel. The licentious behaviors grew so popular that people felt free to openly practice worship of false gods, no longer feeling ashamed. The practice of these religions victimized others, including children.
Eventually, God’s people experienced His judgement when He withdrew His protection and allowed Israel to be taken into captivity. His goal was to correct their selfish, self-destructive behavior and bring them back into a wholesome, loving relationship with Him (See Judges 10, for an example).
Idolatry is still practiced in our culture today. Often idolatry is tagged as “addictions.” Addictions are a way of finding comfort without turning to God, the Comforter.
Anything we choose as a substitute comfort, can become an addiction or even an idol. Idolatry is self-destructive. Why? Because behind any idol is a demonic force led by an enemy committed to destroying us and separating us from God. Fortunately, God set up consequences, like healthy shame, to help us escape self-destructive patterns.
One way God’s grace and freedom come to us is through feeling healthy shame.
Addictions: The Gateway Drug to Idolatry
I could argue that addictions are kinda like a gateway drug to idolatry.
We begin with a small indulgence, for instance a quick adult beverage meant to help us relax after a hard day. Not a problem, unless next thing you know, we have a daily habit. Then, more self-indulgences creep in until our lifestyle does not reflect respect for God. We begin to prefer our self-destructive habits. We start to prefer people who don’t “condemn” us; they’re “tolerant.”
It’s hard to make meaningful connections when an addiction is taking over your life.
One way modern society, including the Church, tries to keep from piling shame on people is by labeling some behaviors as addictions. When we release people too easily from healthy shame, we hinder their ability to get well. That’s not compassion at all; it’s co-dependence.
Still, I get it. Piling shame and condemnation on folks will not help them get well. There has to be a better way.
The Church who Understands
As a church, we need to understand what drives us to addictions in the first place. Maybe then we can begin to understand how God Himself wants to fill that legitimate need in our life. Freedom and healing come by way of Jesus’ death on the cross and His resurrection. Once we embrace all that is offered in His blood, we heal in our innermost heart. We become whole hearted.
Thus, we are better equipped to offer comfort, not co-dependence, to others.
An Example From My Own Life
Because I felt isolated and abandoned in my home growing up, I soon learned if I made certain innuendos and double entendres, I could get a laugh. Plus, starting at 13, I realized alcohol could ease my pain and buy me companionship in a certain crowd of kids. So I self-medicated my pain even as a youngster. But those choices led to some very traumatic consequences for me.
My lifestyle led to me choosing an abortion. Of course, the shame I felt at that point finally caught up with me. After much counseling and a Bible Study with women who also understood the aftermath of abortion, I was able to turn my shame over to God. The forgiveness paid for by Jesus’s death and resurrection became the lifeline I needed to gain freedom from residual shame and the ongoing false shame I habitually carried.
If we let shame draw us back to God, He will heal us Himself, as I eventually found out. I found comfort in Him and with His people, i.e. His Church. He resolved my true shame.
God began to teach me the difference between true shame and false shame. He taught me my own worthiness.
You Choose: Divided or Drawn?
To be clear, addictions are evidence of our disunity with God. Remember shame divides and draws. Healthy shame is supposed to divide us from the world and idolatry. Healthy shame was designed by a God who loves us to draw us to Him for healing and relief. Sometimes, when we hide from God, shame divides us from Him and drives us into the world.
Notably, addictions do the exact same thing. Addictions divide us from those we love and drive us to a world of self-destruction.
You get to choose. Will you be divided from self-destructive worldliness and drawn to God? Or will you choose the world and let shame divide your from God?
Self-rejection, Self-destruction, and Condemnation
Self-rejection, self-destruction, and condemnation are huge themes in idolatry. Self-rejection and self-destruction are the real reasons we need comfort in the first place.
Self-rejection, self-destruction, and condemnation are three companions who have another close compadre– self-righteousness. You rarely see one without the others. So that should catch our ears at church, since unbelievers accuse us of self-righteousness frequently. And sometimes unbelievers are right; Christians can be self-righteous. We struggle with the same temptations everybody else struggles with.
Self-righteousness: a Byproduct of Idolatry
Self-righteousness, condemnation, self-rejection, and self-destruction are all manifestations —that is, they are all part and parcel—of the same old thing. Idolatry.
When self-righteousness is a pervasive theme in any church, it is symptomatic of shame. However, when a church fulfills its ministry as the Bride of Christ, it offers comfort, just like God’s beautiful Holy Spirit is our Helper and our Comforter.
We need less self-righteousness in our families and in our churches. We need more mercy and grace. We need freedom to tell the truth about our own stories and heal.
Since shame humbles us and draws us back to God, shame is evidence of God’s great love toward us. Healthy shame is a kind of grace.
You are Evidence of God’s Grace, too
I hope as you read these words, you understand how much you are loved.
🙂
Cathy
Let’s Pray Together
Dear good Father, Not only did You give us Your only Son as a beautiful message to us, but You also created emotions like healthy shame to put a fence around us and keep us safe. We thank You! Forgive us please, dear Father, when we seek comfort in substitute worship, some of it addictive. Sex, drugs, TV, political action, food, work, porn, gambling, You know how vulnerable we are. Thank You for the healthy shame that reminds us we have a loving Father who wants to comfort and forgive us. You grace is so patient. You continue to respect our free will. You have been dealing with sin and idolatry since the beginning of time. You preplanned ways to draw us back to Yourself. Meaningful connections are Your specialty. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus name. Amen.
Conversation Questions about Meaningful Connections:
In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church:
- When have you experienced true comfort in church?
- Today, in what practical ways can your church offer comfort to hurting people?
- How can we differentiate clearly between healthy shame and false shame, especially at church?
If I can serve your church with teaching, resources, or books, PLEASE let me know! ❤️
Upcoming events: Deep In the Heart Men’s Conference
This upcoming weekend, Feb 28th, 9:00 am to 5:00 pm. They will make room for YOU!
Deep in the Heart Men’s Conference
Get a ticket here.
One Saturday only! Packed with purpose!
Good stuff from Chris Legg, Steven Hendrickson, Chris Cox, and Tony McCoy, to name a few. Talk about meaningful connections! David Krafve will be there, so be sure and say hi.
DO NOT Miss this fabulous opportunity to connect to other men who want to “live boldly, lead with purpose, and grow in faith together.”
The Other Blogs in the Shame Reboot Series
- Division: What’s Shame Got to Do With It?
- Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide?
- Fake Shame: How Do We Shake Free?
- Negative Self Talk: Push Back Against False Shame
- Idolatry: Unmasking False Shame in Today’s Culture
More Favorite Quotes
“Everyone should be respected as an individual, but no one idolized.” ~Albert Einstein, Einstein on Politics: His Private Thoughts and Public Stands on Nationalism, Zionism, War, Peace and the Bomb
“The power of the secret is broken when it’s spoken.” ~Grace English
FREE Resources for Small Churches
If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:
- how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
- how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.
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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
I didn’t read through the whole article, but I don’t think shame is ever healthy.