I’m not waiting for Thanksgiving to thank God for champion warrior women, like Rosie MaKinney. She joined me to talk about “porn-proofing” your kids. (For Rosie’s story, click here.)
Hollywood seems to claim October for evil and destruction in the name of entertainment. Our culture throws all kinds of yucky stuff at families, especially at our most vulnerable children. Today, we’re reclaiming October to safeguard our kids.
Two Great Conversations with Rosie
“Porn-Proofing” Your Kids: Fighting for Love with Rosie MaKinney
The Big P, “Porn Addiction”: Fighting for Love and Intimacy with Rosie MaKinney, Her Story
“Porn-Proofing” Your Kids
I had tons of concerns when we first hooked up our desktop computer to internet way back in the 90s. Do we get our kids their own computers? When do we let them have phones?
Many people suggested apps to safeguard their internet connections, but I knew one truth right away. My kids are smarter than me.
That was in the days long before tablets and screen time made it into my daily vocabulary. Unfortunately, technology has only gotten more tricky for families. Is “porn-proofing” your kids even possible?
Rosie tells me there are plenty for reason for parents to be alarmed. Physical tech solutions were not enough to fence in kids or keep the yucky stuff out. (I’m using quotation marks a lot today, so the SEO police won’t put this blog in internet jail.)
The Threat to Kids
“To a tender heart and an innocent mind, exposure to porn is traumatic and it’s dangerous,” she explains. “It activates the sexual part a child’s feeling brain before their thinking brain even knows what sex is.” They don’t have enough information to understand. But all children are naturally curious, she says. (For more about safeguarding your child, Rosie recommends MediaSavvyMoms.com)
Having “porn consumption” in your home (even privately in the middle of the night) is a threat to your children’s well-being. (For more resources, including for your church, click here.)
For instance, children in homes with “porn consumption” are more likely to be accidentally exposed than children in homes without “porn consumption,” according to Rosie. She explains why this is a big problem.
If we’re really serious about “porn-proofing” our kids, they need to choose boundaries for themselves. That means the adults have to set some sturdy boundaries, too. It helps to know the science behind the danger.
The Science Behind the Danger
Accidental “porn exposure” sets up “a very confusing and compelling curiosity that may drive your kids to seek out more and more pornography,” according to Rosie.
“That’s often what happens. They see something and, because their bodies physiologically respond, they are seduced into pursuing this,” she explains.
At the same time, children who are exposed to “porn-consumption” early, are more likely to associate sex with violence.
Maybe it’s just me, but I really like the way Rosie cited so many scientific studies in her book. If like me, you are nerdy about research and data, her book is worth the money for the footnotes alone, not to mention all the other great content. (To find her book, click here.)
The Danger Starts Early
Children as young as eight-years-old are in danger of accidental “porn-consumption” on the internet. Secret “porn addiction” easily follows. We need to be talking to our young sons, and yes, our daughters, too.
In her book, Rosie includes the story of Lilly. Lilly made good grades, excelled in extracurricular activities, and attended Sunday school faithfully. But she had a secret, accidental “porn addiction.” Her secret desecrated her self-worth.
Lilly shares her story now as an adult. Her parents also share how surprised and heart-broken they were, never suspecting a thing. Their family speaks up so others benefit from their experience. For instance, Rosie shares how one mother of a ten-year-old girl came up to them after Lilly spoke at an event.
“It wasn’t an enormous church. If you think about the proportion of young girls who are secretly drowning in this stuff. We have to talk,” she says. “I hear it again and again, ‘Oh, I’ve got boys. I’ve got to be careful.’” But it’s just as crucial to talk to daughters, too, she says.
The Danger is Real
“The way that women interact with porn is different than guys,” Rosie reports. “So, guys objectify what they’re watching but women actually project themselves into the action. They are training themselves to be aroused by being abused.”
For girls, this means they may come to believe that they are not worthy of being cherished and loved tenderly. This sets up a deadly spiral and perpetuates intimacy disorders in families. (For more of what Rosie says about intimacy disorders, click here.)
Fighting Back for Real Love
“Even if you manage to totally lock down your house, there’s gonna be someone on the school bus with a phone,” she says. “They’re going to be exposed to this. So, as well as external filtering, you need to create this internal filter in your child.”
But how? She suggests you begin “porn-proofing” your kids early with age-appropriate conversations.
“You need to come alongside them. Instead of being the police, you have to become a coach,” she says. “Teach them how to navigate this difficult environment they’re in. We never dealt with anything like this.”
To help us in “porn-proofing” our families, Rosie and her team at Fighting For Love Ministries offer links to the resources they trust. Plus, they are creating powerful tools, like their podcasts. (Click to find Fighting for Love Podcasts.)
“Porn-Proof” Kit for Your Family
I’m creating the perfect gift for my kids to help them “porn-proof” their families. Ironically, I think it’s perfect for Halloween since “porn-consumption” is such a ghoulish, hell-driven, toxic relationship-killer.
The “Porn-proofing” Kit I’m making for my family will include Rosie’s book, plus a children’s book she recommends. For younger kiddos, Good Pictures and Bad Pictures Jr.: a Simple Plan to Protect Young Minds by Kristen A. Jenson. There’s another version for older kids.
Parental Nightmares and Real Hope
We hope your first conversation gives you a gigantic head start on this with your kids. But if it turns out your child has already seen yucky stuff and was afraid to tell you, don’t lose hope.
By the time our kids turn eighteen, 98% of them will have seen this stuff, reports Rosie.
“If they have seen it, it’s not game over. It’s just the beginning,” she says. “There are so many great resources out there to help you help them process what they’ve seen and move forward, deal with it, and explain what’s going on inside their head.”
The goal is to become your kids’ coach, she explains.
“What we’re really aiming at, above and beyond external filtering and internal filtering, is these open channels of communication,” Rosie adds. “So that you become the expert.” You want to be the expert your child turns to when they see or hear something they don’t understand.
Defining Healthy Sexuality
“You have to tell them what healthy sexuality is. The world is not telling them that bit,” she says. “So, that’s the other part of the puzzle. You have to be explicit about what healthy sexuality looks like. That it’s meant to be enjoyable and fun.”
I say we’re not prudish at all, we just want what’s best and we’re not settling for less!
“We’re prudent, not prudes,” laughs Rosie. (Click to hear the podcast because her British accent makes her laughter and wisdom all the more fun!)
A Lifetime of Authenticity in All Relationships
Since she and her hubby are big proponents of true intimacy in marriage, Rosie adds one final thought for encouragement.
“The best thing you can do if you want to protect your kids is get it (The Big P) out of your marriage. So you’re both on the same team,” reports Rosie, “If this is your story in your marriage, it can actually be a secret weapon.”
By taking authenticity to a whole new level of vulnerability and mutual accountability, we learn to have truly intimate marriages. This translates into better relationships all the way around. It can mean a lifetime of blessings for your kids, according to Rosie.
“If you’re transparent and authentic with your kids, you can pass that on to them,” she adds.
May we pray together?
Dear good Father in heaven, We feel overwhelmed when we consider the way “porn-proofing” our kids seems impossible. Strengthen us to be warriors in the fight. Help us give our kids a childhood untarnished by “porn exposure.” Teach us to speak up with conviction and wisdom. In Jesus’s name, please intervene against all destructive and satanic forces seeking to harm our children. We ask for your protection. Give our kids and grandkids skills and integrity to fight back when they encounter evil. Protect Rosie and all those who speak truth to a culture drowning in the heartache attached to this addiction. We ask for Your help, blessing, and favor. In Jesus’s name. Amen.
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
In what ways is your church addressing the threat of “porn addiction”? Who else do you find helpful on this topic? What other topics do we need to be taking action on?
Cathy Krafve, Columnist, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and Christian Writer, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.
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