When she gets the chance, Therapist Sarah Van Hook helps families in rebuilding relationships after the devastation of sexual abuse. How can families begin rebuilding relationships when sexual abuse implodes their lives? Apologies are a great start, according to Sarah.

Most of her work experience has been intervention with patients in an acute crisis. That is the moment the trauma happens. Usually at the hospital. But Sarah knows first-hand how long-term consequences of sexual abuse devastate families, too.

Open Up Communication

Open communication is a powerful tool for healing. How can a mom respond in healthy ways? What if you spent years in foster care as a kid? What if your daughter won’t reconnect with you? 

In such heartbreaking situations, is there hope? Yes! Sarah offers us some terrific insight. She is an expert who combines comfort and extensive education and experience. (To invite Sarah and her mom, Deb Butterfield, to your church to teach about rebuilding relationships, click here.)

Your Invitation for Christmas Shopping Spree

This is your invitation to join Gina Butler and me at our first Book Bananza. Over a dozen local authors will be on hand to sign books.

Fill all your stockings in a one-stop shopping spree! Bring your friends and hang out together with your favorite authors!

❤️ December 3rd, 5-7:00 p.m. Mark Your Calendar Now! ❤️

Rebuilding Relationships: When Families Implode

When Sarah was twelve, she finally got up the courage to tell her mom the truth. She experienced sexual abuse for the previous three years. Her mom worked hard to figure out what was happening, including giving her husband the benefit of the doubt briefly until it became clear. 

As Christian women, we want to believe the men in our life are godly men. And so often they really are. But what about when a man is untrustworthy? We feel almost guilty if we notice anything that smells fishy.  

Sarah’s mom wishes she had responded differently immediately. (Click here, for more about how perpetrators try to explain away their behavior.) In the meantime, Sarah and her mom suffered the fall-out of a relationship turned upside down.

Sarah’s attempted suicide gesture got her mom’s full attention. Eventually, the perpetrator, Sarah’s step-dad, was convicted and sent to jail. 

Rebuilding Relationships

The trauma caused long-term repercussions, but eventually both women agreed to begin rebuilding relationships, starting with their own. 

“First of all, it has to be both people willing to work on that relationship,” says Sarah. “For me and my mom that was the most important piece of it because for a long time I was really angry at her.” (For more of Sarah’s story, click here.)

When Sarah was eighteen, her mom made a remarkable decision to apologize to Sarah. Of course, the perpetrator was guilty of the abuse, what could her mom possibly apologize for? According to Deb, she regrets her hesitation when her daughter first tried to tell her.

“It wasn’t until I was about eighteen and she then apologized for her part in that; her not necessarily believing me at first. For believing his lies over my truth,” Sarah says.

Deb’s apology was a huge turning point for Sarah at a crucial moment in her life.

“After she apologized, at that point my heart was open to healing…If you just try to ignore it like it never happened, you’re never really going to heal from that,” reports Sarah. “You have to be willing and open your heart to that process.”

Therapy Helps

“Being in therapy, that’s a really important piece of it. Like I said, I acted out a lot. I made a lot of mistakes and I had to own up to that. I had to apologize for my part in that,” Sarah explains, adding “I had to apologize for my hatefulness towards my mom, you know.”

When a parent apologizes to a child a world of value is conveyed. Objective therapists can help families sort out which piece belongs to each individual. Rebuilding relationships is painstaking work, but apologies move progress forward more swiftly.

“A lot of times as parents we want to think we don’t do anything wrong, you know. So, it’s hard for us to admit when we’re wrong and apologize to our children,” Sarah says, adding children learn a lot when an adult apologizes. “‘Okay, they’re willing to admit they’re wrong. So maybe I can do that too.’” (For more of Sarah’s story, click here.)

Apologies are POWERFUL

By apologizing to our kids, we teach children that all people make mistakes, even adults, and need to ask forgiveness. Plus, we model how to apologize. We reestablish relationships by asking for forgiveness. 

Still, you may have to wait for the other person to get to the place where they are willing to begin rebuilding relationships. 

The terrible fall-out accompanying sexual abuse would seem insurmountable without champion women, like Sarah and Deb,  speaking up. They offer simple insight. 

So, what can moms and daughters do to rebuild relationships in the remaining family? 

What Mom Can Do

Here are some of my favorite suggestions from Sarah about what Mom can do:

• Focus on getting the child help. 
• Get therapy as soon as soon as possible.
• Preempt the acting out behaviors with help.
• Begin working on self-esteem immediately.
• Deal with the shame and guilt that comes with sexual assault. 
• Try to meet the child where she (or he) is.
• Don’t force your idea of recovery onto the child.
• Realize everyone processes in a different way. 
• Be present. 

“Of course, I’m obviously a strong advocate for therapy,” laughs Sarah. “I feel like it’s never too late to go to therapy. If you haven’t worked through your own trauma, you’re not going to be able to be a very healthy resource for your child.”

Therapy For Rebuilding Realtionships

Sarah emphasizes for each person to get individual therapy. Then, she encourages family members to come together for therapy as well to work together towards healthy future. For instance, Sarah and her mom both had individual therapists.

“Then, we had a family therapist together to work on the relational fall-out from my step-dad’s abuse.”

Sometimes we have so much anger and pain we can’t talk to the people we love most. (For great tips on talking to your teenage daughter, click here.) Putting an objective person in the room really helps, especially when the person has skills and training. 

“With a third person, with a therapist, we have no expectations. We’re not going to judge you,” explains Sarah. “We don’t have any expectations of what therapy should or shouldn’t be for you. That’s up to the person.”

Objectivity enhances processing through the trauma because children may fear disappointing the remaining parent or fear rejection. Sarah emphasizes that talking it out creates healing. 

“We want to shove down all the shame and guilt and we don’t want to talk about it. We just want to push it away. Lock it behind a door and never talk about it again. But it doesn’t help. If anything it just eats at us,” she adds. 

The reward? The more we share our most sacred, sometimes painful, stories, the more we open ourselves to hear other people in our lives in authentic conversations.

Armed with Deb’s book and Sarah’s interview, we now have some great weapons in the battle against the awful pandemic of sexual violence against small children.

“Hope for healing can definitely happen but it does take both people working hard toward at mutual goal,” says Sarah.

May we pray together?

Dear good Father, You know the places where our hearts cry out in pain. You offer the comfort of Your own compassion. Surround us with champions who know how to fight against evil because they are conquerors. Strengthen us for the battles ahead. Protect us and our kids by Your mercy, we pray, O Mighty One. Turn our pain into power, by Your grace. In Jesus’s name. Amen.

We LOVE to hear from YOU!!

Who has comforted you in a crisis? How has your life changes because of an apology? What could we do to make our upcoming Book Bonanza even more fun!

Cathy Krafve, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations , invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.