Once the victim of an abuser herself, she grew up to be a champion pediatric and geriatric therapist. Yep, Sarah has seen the full gamut of evil out there in all its manifestations and she’s lived to tell about it!  

With power, she pushes back the darkness every day as she shows others the way to victory. Truly, I am so honored to get to interview her. 

🍌🍌 A Special Note from Cathy Krafve and Gina Butler 🍌🍌

You are invited to our Book Bananza! Yep, like YOU, we’re bananas about books! December 3rd at Potpourri. Keep reading for more details at the end of today’s blog.

🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌🍌

Now back to the amazing Sarah Van Hook.

Transforming the Trauma of Sexual Abuse

Sarah is a licensed therapist, specializing in clinical mental health, plus marriage and family therapy. She has two master’s degrees, hospital experience, and is about to start her doctorate. Obviously, this gal knows her stuff. 

“The most important thing to remember is, in the moment, it’s a very, very hard experience, obviously,” says Sarah. “But a lot of what people forget is we have control over how much we let it define our life.” (For more on how God defines us, click here.)

Certainly, Sarah is the perfect example of taking a traumatic experience in her childhood and transforming it forward into a beautiful gift of compassion now. Due to a lifetime of work, she’s well-equipped to work with kids who have experienced trauma, particularly sexual assault or molestation. With tender understanding, she gets what they’re going through. 

For Mothers with Daughters who have Lived Through Sexual Abuse

A few months back, Sarah’s mom, Deb Butterfield, came on FiresideTalk Radio to talk about the heartbreak of sexual abuse from the mom’s point of view. (To find Deb’s interview, click here.)

In Sarah’s case, her step-dad started abusing her when she was around ten years old. 

“It was almost three (years). I’m sure there was grooming that happened, but, you know I was really young. I don’t remember those particular things,” explains Sarah. “But when the actual abuse started, where he was actually molesting me and touching me was when I was ten. This went on for almost three years. I told my mom shortly before my thirteenth birthday.”

Subtle and Scary

He married Sarah’s mom, hiding behind a mask of Christian pretenses. As an elder in the church, he began this chapter of his life, breaking the hearts of many people, including Sarah’s family, in the process. 

“What’s really scary about my particular situation was that he was so good at doing things in front of other people and no one even realizing what he was doing,” explains Sarah. “He never came to my room at night.” 

Early on, he showed a blatant disregard for Sarah’s personal boundaries and her body. Subtly, he took advantage of her and no one noticed his bad behavior.

If you find yourself in this situation as the mom, you may feel a need to forgive yourself for missing the early warnings. But also keep in mind the devious and manipulative process of perpetrators. Seriously, sexual abuse is the last thing most Christian women would suspect in their own homes. 

Sexual Abuse Followed By Further Trauma

Still, in spite of her young age, Sarah knew something was off. 

“I think it was just something I really felt in my core. You know like that very uncomfortable feeling. Feeling very taken advantage of and feeling like my body—what was happening was an experience I didn’t like,” she explains. “So, I just felt like, well, I don’t like how this makes me feel, so it feels wrong.”

When kids experience trauma acting out is a common response, Sarah reports. In her case, she cried out for help in a failed suicide threat, for instance. Such responses to the situation are pretty foreseeable. Yet, acting out further traumatizes the whole family, especially the child and the mom. (For how trauma-informed care is transforming families, click here.)

Acting Out

“I started having a lot of acting out behavior,” explains Sarah, taking examples from her own life, like skipping school and running away constantly. “Getting into trouble like with drugs and that kind of stuff.”

That’s when “the system” got involved, reports Sarah. At age 14 she entered foster care. Within the year, she experienced her first pregnancy and put her first baby up for adoption. 

In the meantime, the court convicted her step-father and sent him to prison. She aged out of the system at eighteen. Little did she know, change graced the horizon.

Hope on the Horizon

At eighteen, she and her mother began working on their relationship. (For my new book about creating authentic conversations, click here.) Pregnant at nineteen, she began the life of a single mom. Her son recently graduated from high school, she proudly reports.

Looking back, what hope can Sarah offer others who suffer?

First, she begins with how to pray. Ask God for healing for everyone involved, she says. Then, pray for the strength to come out of the situation a stronger person. Ask for resiliency to get through that situation.

“I think it’s really easy to get weighed down in the negative. It’s easy to focus on the negative. It’s so much harder to focus on the positive,” she reports. “But having the ability to challenge that negative thinking, like I can get through this. I can move forward from this.”

Don’t Fight Alone: Get Help

Sadly, sexual abuse appears rampant and serious, based on her therapy experience.

“I mostly saw female adolescents primarily in my previous job. There were a lot of them who had abuse history. A lot of them had sexual abuse or rape in the past,” she says. “So, I’ve heard a lot of stories. For sure.”

She strongly advocates that all family members get separate therapy, plus coming together to talk with a therapist present. 

“I would say as far as the victim—I hate the word victim, but that’s the best way I can describe it at the moment—but the person who’s been abused, definitely getting into therapy as soon as possible for sure. Then, for the mom as well to have therapy.” 

I like the term “momentary victim” to describe those who suffer from another person’s decision to sexually assault others. Clearly, Sarah sets the gold standard for momentary victims who become battle-worthy champion warriors for other momentary victims.

Take Responsibility

Sarah claims her power came back to her when she took responsibility for the decisions she made. What could she possibly mean? Obviously, the perpetrator was at fault for the sexual abuse.

“What happened to me, yes, is most definitely his fault,” she explains. “I didn’t have control of that situation at the time. I mean, I was a child. Yes, I absolutely 100% blame him for that.”

As a therapist, she knows it’s easy for the victim to blame themselves for what’s happened. For instance, thinking through the decisions the perpetrator made can buy freedom for the momentary victim. Then, women free themselves to make the decisions best for them after the fact. For instance, in retrospect, Sarah took responsibility for acting out.

“I got to the point where I said, ‘Yes this happened to me and this was his fault. But I’m allowing him to continue to control my life in that aspect. I’m giving him all of this power over my life even though he’s not around anymore.’”

Certainly, healing and hope followed her realization.

“It’s about taking back your own power in your life. The main trigger to improving things and moving forward from that (sexual assault) is taking back your power.”

Takeaways from Sarah

I hope you can listen to the podcast in Sarah’s own voice because she shared a lot more. But here are a few of my favorite takeaways—

#1 Somehow she knew to trust her gut.

#2 She kept believing if she spoke up, somehow someone would hear her. 

#3 Eventually, she learned to assign responsibility where it belonged.

As moms, those are some wonderful gifts to give our daughters. We, too, can teach our daughters to trust their guts, to keep speaking up until someone hears them, and to take responsibility for the decisions they make. We can teach our girls to refuse to take on guilt for others’ decisions.

If you found this blog because you are suffering due to sexual abuse, YOU are the reason Sarah and I did this interview together. We are praying you find courage and strength to claim the victory God wants you to live out.

Up Next

Next week, Sarah comes back to share how mothers and daughters can rebuild their relationship after sexual abuse in their home. (Look for Pushing Back the Darkness: Rebuilding Families After Sexual Abuse and other podcasts, here.). How do we become victorious champions, like my friend Sarah? Powerful stuff! Don’t miss it.

Then, Elle joins me again to talk about the search for intimacy and creating authentic conversations. For the many loving friends who’ve been asking when they could get me to sign a copy of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations, keep reading!

May we pray together?

Dear good Father, only You know the ways our tender hearts are often broken. Yet You promise to bind up the brokenhearted. We pray now for healing. We want whole hearts. Please give us hope where we feel despair. Thank You for my friends, the dynamic mom and daughter team of Deb and Sarah; bless them and protect them, Lord, as they confront darkness with light. Your light. Teach us to trust You and take joy in making choices that honor You. Bless us now because that’s Your heart’s desire. We pray in Jesus’s name. Amen.

We LOVE to hear from YOU!

Who are your favorite East Texas authors? What books taught you something new and gave you hope? If you could shout one truth on a megaphone, what would you shout?

Cathy Krafve, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.