Everyday around the globe people experience shunning. A medieval tradition with no place among modern people? Think again! To understand the healthiest ways to respond to shunning, let’s start with why humans shun.
Shunning is a way of shutting down conversation and withdrawing companionship in order to control another person.
Why Humans Shun
Ever wonder why humans shun? Particularly for those us who desire to follow Christ closely, shouldn’t we pause and give thought to reasons for our gut reactions, especially when they threaten to damage relationships?
Motivations for Shunning
For information about why humans shun, I turned to Psychology Today. Rosemary K.M. Sword and Philip Zimbardo Ph.D. offered the following reasons why humans shun in an article, entitled, Shunning – The Ultimate Rejection—What Does It Mean When We Shun Others – or Are Shunned?
- Embarrassment
- Shame
- Jealousy
- Annoyance
- Racial or cultural bias
- Poor timing
- Shyness
More On Motivations
Additionally, Sword and Zimbardo gave terrific examples of each of these motivations for why humans shun. Seriously, I was tempted to include all their examples here for you, but lifting so much material is considered plagiarism. Instead, I encourage you to read their full article, here, to be really clear about how all the above contribute to why humans shun.
As well, I would add a couple more to their list.
- Misplaced loyalty—when others get drawn into the drama around misjudgment and condemnation.
- Poorly-defined convictions—when folks resort to name-calling and bullying, rather than doing the difficult work of reasoning carefully through their ideas.
- Risk aversion—when new ideas test the truth of old traditions, feelings get raw in a hurry.
Bottom Line: Insecurity and Fear
Does one point jump out for you in all the above examples, as it does for me? Inevitably, all those motivations to shun are linked by human insecurities and fear. Fear—that age-old culprit! Fortunately, understanding the motivation behind shunning takes a bit of the sting out of the experience.
For instance, as one wise friend told me years ago, sometimes it helps to imagine that we all have emotional wheel chairs for places in our hearts where we feel wounded. So, if you can visualize the other person in an emotional wheelchair, it may give you more compassion for their broken heart.
Heaven knows, I carry my emotional wheel chair around with me often enough! Seems like I ought to be able to drum up a little compassion even when I feel tortured by shunning or whatever!
Halt the Creeping Dysfunction
Without relegating everyone we know to imaginary emotional wheelchairs, how do we create change when it comes to group dynamics and shunning? How can we be part of the solution instead of perpetuating the problem? Those are excellent questions with real answers.
#1 Name the Disease.
First, by recognizing shunning as an unhealthy option, we gain a foundational understanding. (For why shunning is unhealthy, click here.) By diagnosing the problem, we can focus on the solutions.
As an example of how a solid diagnosis helps, think about the two mosquito bites I noticed on my waist last summer. By eight o’clock the next morning I was waiting at my doctor’s office for medicine to treat the shingles. My doctor was amazed, “How did you know it was shingles?” Easy! I listened when my friends described the symptoms of shingles and how to avoid misery with a quick diagnosis!
Diagnosing shunning as a problem is like choosing to accept a doctor’s diagnosis of disease. Once we understand the symptoms and get a diagnosis, we are free to begin treatments, resulting in long-term health. Fighting the battle for health, both physically or emotionally, begins with a good diagnosis!
#2 Start a Conversation.
The best treatment for shunning is a gentle, forgiving conversation. If your family, group, or church is infested with shunning, then it’s time for a conversation. Obviously, this takes courage. I have a whole lot more written about initiating difficult conversations. In fact, look for a book on the topic soon. (In the meantime, if you would like for me to speak to your group to get a head start on creating healthy group dynamics, contact me here.)
# 3 Keep Loving Others.
Realistically, none of us change overnight. So, it’s okay to accept tiny changes as a big deal. Did your spouse remember to greet you with genuine affection? What about a tentative acknowledgement from a friend at church? Patience is always the most loving way to give people a chance to grow.
In fact, compassion will fuel our patience once we realize people are messy. Clearly, we simply don’t know what may cause others to self-protect by shunning. We can’t judge others rightly. So, it’s okay to let small personal injustices go, if in the long run, our friends get a chance to heal.
#4 Keep Loving Self.
Most importantly, please keep in mind you deserve gentle companionship. God made us for fellowship with Himself and with others. When people shun you, as they inevitably will, they are really challenging God’s design. Hmm…that seems pretty serious.
Just know this—He loves you no matter whether you are shunned or even if you currently shun others. Either way, He is reaching to out our broken hearts with His love and companionship.
What Else Might Be True
If you are experiencing shunning, it may be a weird kind of dysfunctional complement. What on earth can I possibly mean? Okay, think about it this way. Perhaps a family, group, or church treats its real members to shunning when they “misbehave.” By shunning you, they acknowledge your status in the group as a real member.
For a great example, have you ever noticed when new in-laws stop treating you like a guest it can be really annoying? Yep, maybe you didn’t sign up for Aunt Susie Q’s silent treatment when you married into the family. Still, if she treats everybody in the family that way, heck, maybe it’s proof you finally made the cut! Twisted, I know. But perhaps a good way to gain some energy for the commitment it takes to change the way a family, group, or church functions.
You are Dear to God’s Heart
Dear one, I hope you find yourself in the position of healer and helper to those you love. Even if you are experiencing shunning, as painful as it is, I want you to know you are dear to God’s heart. Miraculously, because of Jesus’s redeeming work on the cross, God never shuns us, but welcomes us into His open embrace with tender mercy and love. Please take strength from knowing there is hope. Hey, you might even be an answer to prayer as you take steps to put an end to shunning in your family, group, church or community!
For More Great Wisdom
“To forgive does not mean you forget the hurt. We can’t do that. It does not mean to pretend it didn’t happen. It did happen,” our dear friend Paul Powell said in one of his treasured sermons. Summarizing forgiveness, he continued, “It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter. It does matter. To forgive means that we suffer the pain, bear the loss, endure the consequences, and the other person goes free. We don’t try to make them pay.” (For daily devotions from the Paul Powell Legacy Library, click here.)
Lately, we’ve interviewed some amazing folks who offered insight on related topics. For example, click on any of our Fireside Talk Radio podcasts by Jeanette Hanscome, Janet McHenry, Cynthia Tobias, SharRon Jamison, Carol Clark, or Grace English for more insight about letting go of condemnation and offering compassion instead. Plus, we loved what Chris Legg said in a recent sermon about race and the border crisis.
May I pray for you?
Dear Father, please look on Your children with compassion and tender mercy. Oh, how we long to enjoy tender companionship with You and others. Yet, humans are so dang messy! Strengthen us, O Lord, for creating fellowships in our families, groups, churches, and communities. Give us humble hearts to confess our fears and insecurities. Allow us to talk openly in deep, authentic conversations about how we want to live together. Fill us with Your Spirit, so our thirsty hearts can refresh in Your presence with joy! In Jesus’s name. Amen.
We love to hear from you!
When have you ever struggled to forgive? What lessons came out of a moment when you were forgiven? What do you want your kids to understand about forgiveness?
Cathy Krafve, Columnist, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and Christian Writer, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.
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