All parents get in a dark place sometimes. All. Yet, when there is anything complicated with our kids, our life can go to a dark place in a big hurry.
Welcome to today’s interview with my new friend, Kristin Faith Evans. You are in for a treat in so many ways. I can always tell when a guest is going to share something really valuable. The enemy gets all worked up and throws tons of stuff our way. Please keep praying for Kristen as this blog releases. Thank you!
Kristin knows all too well how mommy care quickly becomes essential. LIke the oxygen we breathe.
Often when I call Kristin, she’s at the hospital with one of her beloved kids.
Dark Place Turned to Light
Today, you’d never guess how God took Kristin from her dark place and turned her life into light for everyone else. Dark place? Kristin? Hard to imagine.
Her heart reminds me of the bubbles my grandchildren love to chase laughing, focused on the next little orb of joy. She’s like a walking joy bubble blower.
She’s a writer, motivational speaker, LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker), wife to Todd. Yep, and the mother of two kids with rare genetic disorders. Oh, and she enjoys triathlons for a hobby.
Training for Joy in Darkness
They went to grad school with a plan in mind; to go into full time ministry together. After five years of marriage, they found out they were pregnant with their first child. Naturally, they were overjoyed.
But life was about to take a turn outside their plans.
“Very quickly found out after he was born that he had an extremely rare genetic disorder. He was the thirteenth case in the world,” she explains.
He was very sick as a baby, on a feeding tube, in and out of the hospital.
“That’s kind of where my journey as a mom began,” she reports.
Another Rare Genetic Disorder?
Doctors informed Kristin and Todd that the likelihood of the rare anomaly repeating their son’s genetic disorder in their future kids was miniscule. Certainly, they did not go into their next pregnancy expecting an unrelated, equally challenging genetic disorder.
Of course, they felt a little more alert to nuances of the pregnancy. Generally, though, they felt the worst was behind them even as they faced serious, but manageable challenges with their son.
“Pretty quickly into the pregnancy, even at 12 weeks, I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong with the pregnancy,” reports Kristin. “I began suffering from PTSD before she was even born.” Friends tried to help.
“I had another special needs mom call me when I was pregnant with Bethany Grace, just as we’d found out and she said, ‘Ooh, that’s a dark place.’ And I didn’t really know what she meant.”
Yet.
Another Miracle Baby
Next, to make matters worse, the delivery was a “nightmare.” Doctors informed Kristen that her baby didn’t make it even before the delivery completed.
“I looked at the doctors and said, ‘Get her out,’ because I knew she was still alive,” says Kristin, adding triumphantly, “She’s our miracle. She’s turning 12 now.”
They named her Bethany Grace.
The Grief of Not Normal
Most new mother feel overwhelmed. Because it’s hard being a new mommy. But whether it’s postpartum, sleeping schedules run amok, marriage transitions, or complications from finances or extended family, anything additional really puts mom in a bind.
More than most challenges, medical complications with the baby can lead to a very dark place quickly. (On air I misspelled Kristin’s blog for Special NeedS MomS: It’s SpecialNeedSMomS.com, two plurals. Her blog has countless resources. Be sure and sign up.)
Suddenly Kristin’s days were overwhelmed with the unexpected. A toddler and newborn crying simultaneously, medical alarms sounding, emergency trips to the hospital, unending doctors appointments. Oh, to be “normal.”
“I think anyone who has these hopes and dreams and expectations of everything going normally. Having normal, healthy children,” she explains.
When a woman has a difficult pregnancy or especially when you lose a baby, the grief can be overwhelming. Find comfort for infertility, miscarriage, and other pain from my friend Lindsey Bell.
“Having children with disabilities and medical needs you go through a period of grief. For me, I feel like God has given me that blessing twice, with two totally unrelated genetic disorders,” she adds. Yes, she said “blessing.” Next week, she explains more on that!
Unfortunately, even medical personnel don’t always know the best way to comfort mommies who grieve.
“The doctors were just baffled,” she says. “They said things like, ‘You’ve won the lottery genetically.’ Or ‘You really got the short end of the stick.’”
Bitterness: Short Path to Dark Places
“Very quickly, I began to become bitter because my life was not like other moms. That began my spiral into a very deep dark mental health crisis,” she says.
With her lifelong faith in God’s goodness shattered, she began to feel the darkness encroaching.
“But then, after going through the trauma and by the time I came home after the C-section, I was already depressed,” she says, adding she was “under so much stress, my body chemistry had already started to change.” Find more about managing body chemistry holistically for mental wellness.
Kristin felt the impact on her son, too. She began to question her faith and to feel as though God had shortchanged her. How could God be good? If God really wasn’t good, what hope was left? (Find more about how God shows up.)
“Then, you add in the isolation. You can lose a lot of your friends. Because they just don’t understand what you’re doing all day. They tried to help me, but we couldn’t go over for playdates. We had four medical machines every day. So, you isolate,” she says.
“Isolation is where the devil takes you to go in for the kill.” ~Sandy Bristow
Why Not Seek Help?
Asking for help seems reasonable to others, but when a person is overwhelmed it can seem one step too far. Plus, the medical needs of her kids further complicated any help she needed.
When life gets hectic for new mommies, taking care of yourself is the first thing to go. Plus, when you’re in a dark place, disillusioned with God, it’s hard to imagine a life where people provide help.
Kristin looks back and offers common explanations about why she didn’t seek help.
- They were in Christian ministry.
- Her husband was the youth pastor at the time.
- What would the church say? What would people think?
- Christians don’t seek mental health treatment.
- Treatment can seem beyond financial reach.
- Child-care can be a hurdle.
- Special needs kids must have special care.
The Dark Place of Isolation
“I quit going to church as well. I had really good excuses. But I just didn’t want to go any more. I just didn’t want to have anything to do with God,” says Kristin.
Her appetite dropped off and she quit eating. She couldn’t get out of bed.
“So by the time I finally did seek the treatment, it was really too late. My Post Traumatic Stress Disorder was debilitating. I literally could not see a pregnant woman without going into a complete panic attack because the pregnancy was dramatic. I couldn’t see a new born healthy baby. Because it was just too much.”
“I didn’t know about seeking specialized trauma treatment at that time. And it came to a point where I just didn’t want to live anymore,” she adds. “I also went through a medicine cabinet of the doctor prescribing me different medications.”
Kristin is a licensed mental health therapist. She knows the power of medication to help rebalance mental health when diagnosed, prescribed, and administered carefully.
“But when you are switched ten times to different medicines and they’re not working. The last medication change was kind of the last straw. I had a bad reaction to it, but I was probably headed down this road very soon anyway. I made a very, very serious suicide attempt,” she says. “And it should have been lethal.”
Waking Up in ICU: Miracle Mom
When Kristin told me she wanted to add the suicide attempt to our interview topics, I struggled to picture Kristin in this situation. I know her as the upbeat, positive, faith-filled, Spirit-filled sister she is. Imagining her life in such a dark place stretched my imagination.
“Waking up in the ICU four days later, after being on a ventilator life support,” she says, “doctors looked at me and said, ‘We medically can not tell you how you survived because you should have died. You’ve been given a second chance.’”
Obviously, the devil wants to take each of us to a dark place of isolation and self-destruction. If you are reading today from a dark place, please, we want you to do what Kristin learned to do. Seek help. Build a joyful life, where every new friend is blessed because of your beautiful life.
“After the attempt, I knew that God had given me a second chance,” she says, “And I wanted to live.”
What’s Next?
Kristin knew she wanted a new approach to life, but where to begin?
“I wanted to recover; I wanted to save my marriage,” she says. Most importantly, she adds, “It was such painful experience being separated from God. I can’t even describe how painful and agonizing that was.” Find more on unity with God.
Leaving ICU, she went home to the same “pressure cooker.” But she began to make small, significant changes. Next week, Kristin shares sweet stories about how her daughter Bethany Grace teaches her to live in joy moment by moment each day.
Even today, sixteen years later, their son’s needs are still complicated. Visits to the hospital are a weekly, even daily, event for Kristin.
“Nothing has been typical about my journey as a mom,” she says. “His whole life has been us battling for him medically and developmentally.” Yet she reports, “Yeah, he’s doing exceptionally well.” And her beautiful life is an affirmation of God’s good purpose in saving her.
Stay Tuned for More
Additionally, stay tuned for more from Kristin because next week we’ll cover a lot more ground on how to get victory, even in our darkest hour. Yep, Mommy has to pull down some oxygen for herself!
Most of us won’t wake up in ICU to suddenly realize God cares about us. I hope Kristin’s beautiful heart, her laughter on the podcast, and her amazing courage inspire you the way they do me.
Today, she is a popular speaker, spreading joy and making friends everywhere she goes. Crazy what God will do with a dark place and heart that turns to Him!
Thank you for reading, for listening, and for sharing our stuff with your friends.
Don’t forget, you can bring this podcast to your Sunday school or family to start a conversation about how it feels to be in a dark place for any reason. Or why mommies of special needs kids need lots of love.
If suicide seems like a dark topic, I apologize. Lately, it seems the Lord has been reminding me I don’t always know what’s going on behind the scenes, even with dear friends.
We can;t help but notice COVID prompted a lot of quiet suffering. I hope you don’t need this episode. But please keep it close, in case a friend reaches out for your help. Contact me if I can serve you. I LOVE to hear from YOU!
I LOVE to hear from YOU!
How has someone’s kindness touched your heart this week? When you feel darkness overwhelming you, what verses do you turn to? How have small children taught you the unfettered joy of life in the moment?
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, even as we think about You, we know there are friends who suffer alone. They think You have abandoned them in their sorrow. But that is simply false. What is true, though, is life takes us to some dark places sometimes. In those moments, now, we call out on behalf of our sisters. We ask that You hear the cries of those who hurt, who feel overwhelmed, who feel like giving up. Remind them that You are ever present even in the darkest place. Thank You for the blessing of children, even with all the unexpected grief the accompanies being a parent. For those who crave children and don’t have them, we pray now for You to comfort. Give us words to comfort. Make us people who respond to sorrow with comfort. Fill us with Your beautiful Spirit so we can be light in the darkness, dear Father, like Your resurrected Son. In His name we pray, the beautiful, life-giving name of Jesus. Amen.
🙂
cathy
More Adventures Coming Up
Well, I did it. I accepted a chance to speak at the East Texas Writers Guild. This means I will undoubtedly be way out of my depth, surrounded by folks who know a lot more than me. So, if the thought of my complete humiliation sounds entertaining, you are invited!
Getting the Goods. Respecting Authentic Stories.
Monday, April 11
Tyler Chamber of Commerce, Genecov Room
6:30 p.m.
On top of that, if you’re thinking of volunteering at Newcomers (or, hey, moving to Tyler) now is a good time since I’ll be speaking there on May 13th.
Don’t miss upcoming Fireside Talk Radio guests including my new North Carolina friend Andy Clapp, the marvelous Becky Carpenter, and a surprise from one of my favorite people Lindsey Bell. All coming up this Spring.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, Dr. Jim McAndrews joins me to talk about, yep, Erectile Disfunction. Talk about a nail biter. I spent both episodes hoping I wouldn’t inadvertently drop one of my infamous double entendres.
Jim is such a class act. You’re gonna love all the factual, compassionate information he gives us. Perfect for starting a confidential conversation with your spouse.
Thank you for reading and listening to my stuff. And thank you for sharing these amazing heroic people with you friends.
My Books Thank YOU, too!
My books thank you for buying multiples to share with friends and family. Books really hate sitting on the shelf getting dusty. To make it easy for you to order, you can get The Well: the art of drawing out authentic conversations here. This book loves to join friends at Bible studies or book clubs.
Marriage Conversations: from coexisting to cherished is an ambivert, too. This book enjoys a quiet conversation with an introvert, a group of marriage-minded folks, or hanging out with men. I know! Who ever heard of a Marriage Book men like? Find it here. Read the first chapter FREE here.
Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We welcome your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com.
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