Nobody escapes pain in this world. What can we learn from suffering? Lindsey Bell has some personal experience with pain. 

“Have you ever been praying and you feel like your prayers are just hitting the ceiling? They are not reaching God’s ears because nothing in your life is changing,” Lindsey asks. “That’s how I felt for a really long time, like God didn’t care based on what was happening in my life.”

Still, when she looks back on the years when she experienced four miscarriages one after another, she sees the evidence of God’s care. 

“The Bible is clear. He’s with us even when our circumstances suggest otherwise,” she affirms. (Find Lindsey’s book, Unbeaten here.)

Comfort-Covered Strawberries

God often uses people to deliver His message. Lindsey likes to tell the story of chocolate-covered strawberries that communicated God’s love at the perfect moment when she felt overwhelmed with grief.

“Chocolate covered strawberries are my guilty pleasure,” explains Lindsey. Even though the gift arrived anonymously, Lindsey knew exactly which thoughtful friend sent them. “It just had her touch on it, so I knew it was her. 

The gift arrived on Mother’s Day with a note attached that said, “From your babies in heaven.” (For more ways to honor moms, click here.)

When Pain Feels Endless

In the midst of her pain, Lindsey began to search the Bible for comfort. (For ways art can help you live with chronic pain, click here.)

“Adam and Eve, in essence, lost two children that day: Abel, who was murdered, but also Cain, who was banished because of his sin,” she wrote in her book, Unbeaten, “As I read this story, I realized something. Pain has been around for a long time. In fact, it has been around since the very first people walked on earth. Though my trials are different than theirs (and I am sure most of yours are too), we are not alone in our pain.”

In her search for answers, she began to notice the way heroic people in the Bible handled their pain. Soon she collected over fifty moving examples of people holding up under severe pain, unbeaten, coming out on the other side better, stronger, more compassionate. 

“God is still faithful even when He doesn’t fix your problem. Or fix it in the way you want Him to, might be a better way to say it,” she laughs. I love the way Lindsey is so down-to-earth about her struggles and un-condemning of others. (If you missed her story, find it here.) 

Passing Along Comfort

In the midst of our pain, people often pop up as God’s messengers of comfort and hope, according to Lindsey. The process can be subtle. 

Because Lindsey watched for God in the midst of her pain, she noticed when He sent comfort through a person.

“When I would be saying, ‘Where are You, God?’ and then He would show up through the hands and feet of our friends and our church and just people ministering to us,” Lindsey says, “You don’t necessarily recognize that God is working through people unless you are looking for it.” 

 I asked her to share some of the ways we can comfort others. She offered practical suggestions.

Let Those Who Grieve Cry

“I think the biggest thing you can do when someone has lost a child—and honestly this is probably across the board with any kind of grief—is just cry with them,” says Lindsey. “Just let them be sad. Let them cry. Be that safe place where they can feel whatever it is they are feeling. That helped me a lot.”

She emphasizes that certain emotions may feel uncomfortable, but they should not be off-limits. 

“It was okay to be sad. It wasn’t okay to be angry,” she offers as an example of how we judge our emotions without giving ourselves permission to feel our pain. “I needed to feel that anger in order to work through it.” She recommends finding a trustworthy friend or counselor to help. 

What NOT to Say: Avoid Christian Platitudes

I asked Lindsey to give me specific examples of things Christians might say that could cause further pain. 

• God needed them more than you do (when someone you love dies).
• God will give you another (in the loss of a child).
• At least you have one child at home.
• I’m sure the next one is going to go fine.

“Though some of those things may be true, some of them are not true. It’s true God is still good, but that’s not helpful when we’re in the middle of a hard thing,” she says.

Practical Touches To Convey Love and Comfort

Many people found ways to encourage Lindsey and her family in those painful moments. She loves the way the body of Christ expresses His love in so many unique ways. Here are some of her favorite:

• One friend gave them a snuggly blanket as a keepsake, in honor of their baby. 
• Another friend embroidered the names of Lindsey’s four babies on a blanket. 
• People wrote cards.
• One friend wrote a poem.
• People remembered the loss with gentle acknowledgments, especially the due date.

Lindsey particularly loved the thoughtful ways her mom conveyed her love.

• Lindsey’s mom gave her a piece of jewelry for every baby they lost. 
• She also helped Lindsey make a shadow box of the babies’ ultrasound pictures.
• Her mom planted a grandparent garden in honor of their children. 
• She installed a sculptural iron tree in her front yard with leaves for each of her grandchildren, including the four in heaven. 

Comfort in Small Things

Looking back, Lindsey says having so many people do small, special things for their family comforted them all and helped Lindsey heal.

“They showed up. When I was looking to God to show me that He was still with me, they did that.”

Even in those moments when we feel abandoned by God, Lindsey has some important news. 

“I think the main thing that God continues to impress upon my heart is that our circumstances are not the best indicator of God’s presence,” she says tenderly. She emphasized that God will use women to comfort us for a special reason. “Often times they truly know our pain because they have actually experienced the same things.”

Help for the Hurt

Lindsey offers these resources for those who experience miscarriage: for all of her posts about miscarriage, for practical ways to comfort a friend who has recently miscarried, and for good information to share with a friend who has miscarried. (Find her book, Unbeaten.)

For many of us, our stories include pain of a different sort. If your story includes pain from abortion, trauma, or mental health issues, we’ve interviewed experts. For interviews with heroic friends who’ve dealt with sexual abuse, date rape, domestic violence, bullying, and much more, click here.  Find more on making a parent feel at home and elder care.

Lindsey intentionally sought encouragement in some specific ways by searching the Scriptures, turning to friends, listening to wisdom from trusted preachers, and reading the books of respected authors. (For podcasts with experts on numerous topics, click here.)

“God is still God even when life is hard,” assures Lindsey. “Look for Him and He will show up.”

May we pray together?

Dear good Father in heaven, We lay our broken hearts at Your feet. Together, we grieve the loss of countless children. We know they are with You in heaven, yet our hearts ache to hear their laughter, to watch them learn to skip, to hold them in our laps. We need You to mend our hearts. Only You can soothe some kinds of pain. Sometimes You do so with tender caring gestures from Your people. Send a messenger today to this dear reading friend whose heart aches. Let us know You are still there for us. We love You. In Jesus’s name we pray. Amen.

We LOVE to hear from YOU!

When have you looked for God and found Him in a surprising way? How has a friend touched your heart in the perfect moment? What’s your favorite practical way to pass on encouragement when people hurt?

My Latest Interview:

I love it when the tables are turned and other people interview me for a change. Talk about nail-biting suspense–I never know what might pop out of my mouth!! Sandra is a terrific host and a fabulous friend, so this one is pretty wonderful. Hope you enjoy it! To find more from Sandra, go to Motherhood Talk Radio. For our interview, click below.

Building Better Communication Between Partners Sandra Beck of Motherhood Talk Radio speaks with Cathy Krafve about her new book which highlights how couples can better communicate their needs- especially in these trying times that strain even the best of relationships.

New Adventures in Devotion

Next up is math genius and personal friend Dr. Angie Ruark. For down-to-earth gut-grabbing reality and humor, do not miss my interview with Angie. Angie exemplifies the Spiritual Warrior Woman Pray attitude. Her fierce heart shows in all aspects of her life. Don’t mess with Texas, Angie Ruark, or the Sisterhood of Spiritual Warrior Women! You will be ready to take on the enemy after a few laughs and some serious insight from this amazing friend.

And, if you missed our interview with the amazing Brooke Frick, here’s the link to her devotional book Hand’s Full. If you’re already diving into her book, congratulations! Isn’t it fun and inspiring?! If you want to subscribe to her blog, click here. I’m a fan!

Abba’s Answers, a devotional book of stories compiled by Deb Butterfield is available here. It includes the Compassion Story, the story of how David responded when I told him about my abortion. 

Prayer requests: 

Our interview with the beautiful Sarah Van Hook is around the corner. Sarah will share about experiencing sexual abuse as a child. She grew up to be a pediatric child therapist, so we are going to learn much from this dear lady. (Find her mom’s story and her wisdom on how to be Carried By Grace when you find out your child has been abused.)

Since we’ve noticed the enemy does not like this kind of truth getting out there, PLEASE pray for Sarah now in advance of her interview. (We bind the enemy in Jesus’s name and we ask You, Good Father, to bless Sarah in every way.) Thank you for taking a minute to agree with me in prayer to unleash all God wants to do with Sarah’s powerful message. 

Lastly, as my first book release draws closer, I’m feeling a little, well, totally out of control. Like, I am dorking out and forgetting things even more than usual, checking my heart rhythm daily (okay, hourly). My heart’s fine, by the way. I’ve been nervous eating and gaining poundage. Ugh!

Clearly, I’m in need of prayer. So, thank you in advance for asking God to restore peace in my heart. 

One More Thing—Save Mount Hermon

Save Mt. Hermon—Mount Hermon is where I met the amazing Janet McHenry, my agent Karen Nuemair, Susan Stewart of Elk Lake Publishing (publisher of my upcoming book, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations) and so many other writing and publishing friends who are dear to my heart. For instance, I also met Tami Clymer of CrossRiver Media, the publisher of my marriage book there, too.

If you wish you could go to Mount Hermon’s Christian Writers Conference, there is still time to sign up for the conference. I signed up to go. If you sign up, we may save the conference. If the conference doesn’t fill up, there will be no charge. To find out more, click here.

Cathy Krafve, Columnist, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and Christian Writer, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.