I couldn’t wait to interview family expert Deb DeArmond. But what to ask her first? We chose to focus on the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship.
Deb packed this episode with wisdom from her personal experience. Naturally, I want to get a head start. So of course, I asked her really personal questions I’ve wondered about for a long time.
Starting With a Bang!
We recorded the interview early to begin the new year with a bang. At that time I thought it was a safe topic since my son wasn’t dating anyone. Little did I know.
On the one hand, I’m pretty sure I’m in the weeds today on ways to embarrass your grown children. On the other hand, we’re virtually guaranteed at least two people will download today’s episode, my son and his girlfriend. Pray for me. Hahaha.
The Testosterone Zone
“Well, I’ll tell you that having three sons and soon to be eight grandsons, I have lived in the testosterone zone,” says Deb with a laugh. “They actually have in some ways helped me understand what my role was going to be.”
She begins by sharing that each of her sons married the right woman.
“I have a red-head, brunette, and blond in the group. They are as different as their hair colors.”
Don’t miss the personal stories Deb shared in last week’s blog: Family Fatigue: Building Back Better Families in 2022 with Deb DeArmond.
Praying Ahead about Mother-in-law, Daughter-in-law
By the time Deb’s sons found their wives, they were well-covered in prayer.
“Truthfully, it started when our boys were babies. When they were babies, every night, we prayed over them. And we did so until they were toddlers,” she says.
As their boys got older, Deb and her hubby, Ron, continued to pray for each week together.
Now, do you wonder if you missed your chance to pray for the women your sons marry? Certainly not!
“It’s very much God-driven from the time they were young, but there’s always time to catch up,” says Deb.
Welcome Additions to the Family
Of course, I wanted to compare notes on how Deb and Ron pray.
“We prayed that God would bring them the right women. And that they would recognize those women when they showed up,” she reports, giving specific examples.
“We prayed for that unknown girl. ‘Father, wherever she is and what ever she’s doing tonight, bless her and keep her safe. And if she doesn’t yet know Jesus, bring people into her path that will show her that way.’”
Seriously, Deb even went so far as to pray about any “posers” who might show up along the way.
Praying prepared everyone to welcome their daughters-in-law into the family.
“But I am blessed because I love each of these girls more than I can possibly say.”
Mother-in-law, Daughter-in-law: Off Track?
Of course, every day is a new chance to mess up friendships within our families. Our kids can marry the best people in the whole world, but stuff still pops up. We all get off track.
In families, things can go sideways quickly. Finances, health, births, deaths, all put pressure on relationships. So how can families keep all their relationships thriving, especially with in-laws?
With humor and insight, Deb gave some great advice on how a mother-in-law can respond well when things get complicated. She says understanding your role is crucial.
“I have no illusions about who comes first in my boys’ life. After God, it is not me. When God brought a woman to Adam in the garden, it wasn’t his mama. Okay? That’s a clue.” (For more specifics on coaching your son to handle mother-in-law, daughter-in-law conflicts, click on today’s podcast.)
Mother-in-law, Daughter-in-law: Breaking Stereotypes
“The other thing to remember, though, is that the mother-in-law is not always the primary offender. Sometimes daughters-in-law tend to gravitate towards their side of the family. They assume they’ll spend every holiday with her folks. You know, we’ve been taught to dislike mother-in-laws,” says Deb.
She cites examples from television and movies for negative stereotypes. Plus, family histories can complicate the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationships.
“So, a lot of girls have seen their mothers mistreated by their mother’s mother-in-law, the grandmother. They come loaded for bear.”
Maybe an older sister has a bad relationship with her mother-in-law. A daughter-in-law may begin her new relationship with misguided boundaries. Perhaps, she begins with an attitude of He’s mine. Step back. You’re no longer important to him toward her mother-in-law.
For these reasons, Deb wrote her book, Related by Chance, Family by Choice, for both women, not just to the mother-in-law. What a perfect way to agree together about healthy boundaries for our mother-n-law, daughter-in-law relationship! Like mutual mentoring.
I love the way books open up healthy conversational adventures. Find more local authors here.
Mentoring Moms
Mention mentoring to older women and they often panic when really they have the skill set and the church is crying out for women who can step in to help younger women.
In related topics, I asked Deb about mentoring and negative self-talk, too. Of course, she gave me tons of good info. In particular, I couldn’t fit all her practical wisdom on overcoming limiting beliefs into today’s blog. So please listen to our whole interview. Just for you, here are few more highlights.
“Well, Ruth and Naomi mentored or coached Ruth on behavior when they landed in her home, her family of origin,” says Deb. “I think one thing that scares people is, ‘I don’t have this unlimited well of wisdom.’ Well, here’s the deal, only God does!”
If you’re drawn to mentoring or someone has asked you to mentor or coach, Deb offers a couple of tips:
-We all have two ears.
“If you have two ears and your hearing works, we can all listen,” she laughs.
According to Deb, the challenge is to listen without immediately prescribing a solution. To understand, we need to ask great questions.
For example, where are they? What do they need to be moved along? How might I help them deal with this disappointment? Or take an advantage of an opportunity?
-We can all ask good questions.
“You listen well and then you say, ‘What do you think your first step is?’”
Instead of giving advice, Deb recommends asking good questions. Why?
“Because how I did and how this person does it can be very different,” she says.
For more on overcoming family trauma, check out what Sandra Beck said about Marriage and Family: Marriage in the Era of Broken Hearts. Or pick up some great ideas about how grandparents can instill a respect for sacrifice from Anna Krafve Pierce.
Deb’s Books: So Many to Choose From
Deb and her husband Ron have written on countless family topics. To make it easy for you to check out her wisdom, I’m including links to some of my favorite DeArmond books.
- Related by Chance, Family by Choice
- I Choose You Today: 31 Ways to Make Love Last
- Don’t Go to Bed Angry. Stay Up and Fight!
- Bumper Sticker Be-Attitudes
- We May Be Done But We’re Not Finished!
“Deb is wife to Ron, her high school sweetheart who showed her the path to become a Christ follower 48 years ago. Mom to three incredible sons and daughters-in-law. Gigi to seven perfect grandboys and (finally) a gorgeous granddaughter. But Jesus is her favorite, and the others have learned to live with it. Deb and Ron are native Californians, grateful to be residents of the Lone Star State – Texans since 2005.” ~from one of Deb DeArmond’s official bios. They excited about grandson #8’s arrival. Find more about following Jesus, the Savior here.
Never Too Late for Prayer
If you read my blog or listen to our podcasts, you know I always look for a meme-worthy quotes. Since Deb packed so much in our interview, she made it really hard to pick out just one, but this might be my favorite.
“It’s never too late to start and its always too soon to quit believing for the right person for your children.” ~Deb DeArmond, best-selling author and life coach.
Well, you can see why I love Deb’s sense of humor, down-to-earth attitude, and immense faith. I’m really grateful she let me share her insight with you, dear friends. I hope you will pass it along, too.
And I am truly grateful for YOU. It often feels like we’re making progress these days. It seems folks are eager to share the great interviews we’re creating. I am so encouraged to be part of a terrific movement of people determined to honor God and see His Spirit permeate our hurting culture. Thank You for all you are doing, too.
🙂
cathy
May we pray together?
Thank You, dear Creator, for making families a picture of Your redemptive process. Teach us to welcome each others with open hearts. May we have a revival, starting in my own heart today. Start in our homes. Bless our families. Good Father, thank You for the many ways You are seeking to heal families. America only became the bastion of democracy because You blessed us. And because so many looked to You for leadership. Please inspire and empower our leaders to make wise decisions for us. Shine Your cleansing light on all graft and corruption in any part of our government, dear Lord. May justice in this country reflect Your nature of redemption, both wrath on evil and mercy on repentance. May our homes honor You. Fill us with Your Spirit and Your love. Give us wisdom, please. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
What have you learned from the in-laws in your family? How would you change things if you could? How have other people made you feel welcome this week?
More Favorite Quotes
“So I wasn’t afraid to write it. That’s because I didn’t know what I didn’t know about writing books!” ~Author, Speaker and Life Coach Deb DeArmond.
“But in the moment it ended up being what we call at our house ‘an intense moment of fellowship.'” ~“So I wasn’t afraid to write it. That’s because I didn’t know what I didn’t know about writing books!” ~Author, Speaker and Life Coach Deb DeArmond.Deb DeArmond
“When you have a wonderful mother-in-law who takes sides with you in squabbles with her own daughter – that’s something.” ~Lou Gehrig
“Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.” ~Matthew Broderick
Finally, here’s a link to one of my favorite interviews on Focus on the Family. Find more Fireside Talk Radio interviews with experts here.
❤️❤️❤️
Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We welcome your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com.
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