We live in an era of broken hearts, wounding histories, cohabitation, blended families, and all sorts of new configurations of marriage and family.
“My marriage was so bad. I realize it was not worth the paper it was printed on,” reports Sandra Beck who has had plenty of time to heal. “It was a big, expensive mess to detangle. So, what would you say to me? Why would I ever get married again?”
Leave it to Sandra to ask the tough questions.
Marriage Advice? Nope.
Honestly, I try never to tell women what to do about marriage. Instead, I try to ask them what they wish was true about their relationships.
Marriage is so personal and each one is different. I encourage my friends to be sure about the decisions they make, since some choices can’t be undone. Of course, women should never feel pressured to make decisions they are uncomfortable with.
If a friend seems open, I tell the truth. As much as I know any truth which is obviously very limited. But I try to keep my mouth shut when she’s not open. Supporting a friend as she walks through the process of reevaluating her family may mean she makes tough choices.
But we don’t get to judge her, just be there for her. And pray.
Lost in Piles of Laundry
For me, I was so engrossed in serving my family I kinda lost myself. You know, lost in piles of laundry, swishing toilet bowls, making brown bag lunches.
But about the twenty year mark, I reemerged and I was not happy. I didn’t know how common that feeling is. I thought I was being a bad Christian.
As women, we can easily feel submerged. Then, there’s the added guilt of I’m not being myself.
When really, it’s God’s role for the husband to appreciate his wife’s potential. To search for what God has hidden in her. She is a treasure that is meant to be cherished.
It’s easy to feel dull and worn out. Seriously, what reemerging taught me was my husband really liked that bold, adventurous girl who wasn’t afraid to try new things. The gal he married.
Communication in Marriage and Family
“That’s the point of your relationship books,” says Sandra. Finding the way to be exactly who God designed us to be. Having the conversations that get us there.
Sandra helped me narrow down my focus as I was writing both my books. With her hilarious and great advice, I was able to create two books that are down-to-earth, truthful, and loaded with great ideas for better communication skills.
Easy stuff you can try today. Lots of ideas to make your own.
“Like your Marriage Conversation book might have been written to ease a conversation between a husband and a spouse, but I’ll tell you it also works between a daughter who is a caregiver and her father,” says Sandra. “Or it eases things for my almost adult teenage sons. Or my partner at work.”
Okay, she just described her amazing life!
“We all talk,” she adds.
Good point. We all talk. So, why does it have to be so hard sometimes?
Rejection in Marriage and Family
Rejection is a big reason some conversations get painful quickly. I think rejection is one of the greatest forms of suffering.
Why? Because we’re really designed to enjoy a beautiful kind of intimacy. Not only physical intimacy, but emotional and spiritual as well. Better conversations improve all our relationships.
I really wrote Marriage Conversations for three different groups of women.
#1 Women who know their marriage overall is great. But maybe there’s one area that drives them crazy. That’s pretty typical. Yet, those conversations test the most seasoned wife.
For David and I, recurring arguments popped up a lot. Because we didn’t know how to have a real nitty gritty conversation without feeling rejected.
#2 Then, there’s also women who are in very dangerous situations. They’ve been told by people to hang in there because maybe things will change. Or maybe their church is subtly pressuring them to stay married.
#3 To me, there’s a third group of women trying to figure out which category they’re in.
Genius Men, Marriage, and Family
Since I was writing to women, I wasn’t thinking at all about how men would like my book.
But before it came out, I asked a number of publishing and writing friends to read the manuscript. Of course, some of them were men.
In a big surprise, I kept hearing from my guy friends how funny the book is. I still don’t understand why they find it funny, but I’m thrilled they like it enough to read it!
Truthfully, when guys tell me it’s the funniest book they’ve ever read, I assume it’s the only marriage book they’ve ever read!
What’s really great is the number of men who tell me they read it with their wife! Passing it back and forth. Wow! That’s genius!
What a great way for a man to start a powerful conversation with his wife! I am pretty sure those lucky women feel very cherished!
God is On Our Side
“Fortunately, God is on our side in this essential arena of sparking up the chemistry in marriage. How great is that? Therefore, let’s lay a groundwork of simple, foundational truths so we can be armed for success. We’ll start with how God defines marriage.” ~Cathy Krafve, Marriage Conversations, page 25.
Where in the Bible does God define marriage?
That question really befuddled me as a young believer. Was it in Leviticus? (If I didn’t know what the Bible says about something, I always assumed it must be in one of the hard books!)
One thing I’m convinced of now; if either spouse starts a new relationship via sexual intercourse, they’ve essentially started a new marriage. I think if we would teach that clearly in the church, we’d be a lot less judge-y and confused. We’d be better able to comfort ALL who struggle to keep their marriage intact, in any circumstances.
Understanding how Jesus defined marriage frees up people to let go of guilt that isn’t theirs. Plus, we can take responsibility for the decisions we all make when it comes to cherishing our marriage.
I just throw that out there because as women we tend put a lot of burden on ourselves.
Jesus Freed (Not Bullied) People With the Truth
What I see is Jesus spoke factually about things. For example, with the woman at the well, He spoke factually about her five husbands. By doing so, He released her. He releases us from the burdens we carry around, too, if we’ll let Him.
This is one reason I wrote the books for my own children. Freedom. Then, they loved what I shared, especially my mom’s stories.
Oh my goodness, Mom was so tender with what she shared. Ever time I read it, I cry. She knew that I’d written for my children originally.
I may have already had publishers for both books before Mom died. I can’t remember. Anyway, she knew the goal was to get the Marriage Conversations manuscript published.
So, Mom went over every detail with me. And I tell ya, she was so transparent and authentic herself. For us, that’s the goal. Mom and I just wanted to strengthen other women, starting with the next generation in our own family.
Tradition or Truth?
I think there’s a real tendency in the church in years past to make marriage one size fits all. The generation right behind me especially has done a great job of rethinking their perspective on marriage.
Some of the things they say make older generations uncomfortable.
Yet, when I studied the woman at the well and her five husbands, one thing became very clear to me. Some of the younger generations’ perspective is actually closer to what Jesus said than what we’ve been commonly taught in church.
That’s the other big reason for both my books. I really wanted to give people a chance to explore. Could some of the commonly taught church traditions be false? What did Jesus actually say about marriage? What did He actually mean? Why were the people who heard Him so surprised and challenged by His words? Both the religious leaders and His own disciples.
Free to Make Great Decisions
For instance, Jesus didn’t give the domain of marriage to the legal and religious scholars of His day. He specifically clarified that marriage is God’s domain.
I’m sure they understood that He was not supporting their claim to be the authorities on marriage.They were smart men. Imagine how His words astounded and bewildered those who heard.
We should be free to really understand His teaching and make the decisions we need to make about our own marriages.
The biggest surprise for me as I researched for Marriage Conversations?
I assumed now would be a hard time for marriage. On the contrary, I discovered it’s the very best time in history for women to be married. It’s also the very best time for men to be married, too, by the way. Who knew?
Dave and Cathy Today
Sandra asked me how things are with Dave and I now. Fair question.
We still have arguments occasionally, maybe once a year. In some ways maybe it’s worse because it doesn’t happen very often. I get real panicky, like, Oh no! We’re falling back into our bad habits.
But not really because now we know how to get into a better conversation place. Also, we’re very intentional about cherishing each other. So that’s really made a difference for us.
But one thing I want people to know; this book is not about how to do it yourself. This book is about how I messed up. And here’s what I learned from my mistakes. If you want some good ideas, here are the things that worked for us.
Tons and tons of good ideas. Anything I could get my hands on.
Because, remember, I was originally writing for my children. So, I didn’t hold anything back. I don’t think anyone will feel preached at. I’m pretty sure reading friends will think, Okay this woman has been in the trenches. She gets it.
I am Grateful
Maybe it’s too soon to think about Thanksgiving (although our Canadian friends do celebrate in October. Shout out to Frankie Picasso!) But I want you to know I count YOU among my blessings. You are dear to my heart. Thank you for listening, reading, and sharing what we create together! YOU are an important part of the team!
Thanks for reading, listening, and writing in with your own stories to encourage us! We definitely WELCOME you into our life with whole hearts!
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, We seek You now. We long to have real conversation with You. To change the course of our lives by being in close companionship with You. To change our families and communities one great conversation at a time. Teach us how we should pray. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. Help us live like Jesus. In His name we pray. Amen.
🙂
Cathy
We LOVE to hear from YOU! ❤️ Marriage Conversations?
What is your favorite gentle way to begin a tough conversation? When have you been surprised with a terrific outcome of a conversational adventure? How has your marriage been a surprise to you?
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Then, help us by writing a review. And THANK YOU!!!!
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Your Own Upcoming Conversational Adventures
Are you dreaming of your own conversational adventures? Could the right conversation change everything in your life? How can we take a deep breath and step into our fear of rejection?
At Camp Krafve, we’re creating tools to help you pass along bold, noble ideas.
More Favorite Quotes
“Our decisions today influence our families for generations after us. Hundreds of years from now, great-grandchildren we will never meet will be carrying around the blessing of the good decisions we make today.”~Marriage Conversations, From Co-existing to Cherished, page 10
“You are truly a miracle. Just the atomic substructure in your body boggles comprehension. Then there’s all the DNA and experiences that came together to form the personality you now rock in your uniquely creative and breathtaking way. Plus, your whole spiritual dimension is unfathomable, mysterious, and well, incredibly sexy. What’s not to love! God knows all this about you and loves you like you’re the only person in the universe.” ~Marriage Conversations, From Co-existing to Cherished, page 101
“Communication is the pathway to companionship. Jesus is the great communicator.” ~from The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations, pg 4.
“Imagination starts in our homes where habitual kindness and respect train our children in a more judicious approach to conversation. Like a domino effect, as they grow up, our children practice more judicious conversations in our local communities. Additionally, real community, or unity, is fostered as people of varying perspectives feel heard, respected, and catch a vision for living together peacefully. This influence of imagination is so powerful that it easily spreads from home to work to local communities and beyond.” ~from The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations, pg 63.
Dipping Nacho Recipe
In case you missed Anna Krafve Pierce’s literacy series on helping your kiddos read, here’s our kid-friendly Camp Krafve Dipping Nachos recipe. Don’t miss all the ways you can entice your children to LOVE books! Plus, find more about how to create a sanctuary in your kitchen for your friends and family.
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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We welcome your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang!
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