One Sunday morning, a frazzled young mom brought her child to me in melt-down mode. Thirty years ago, I was teaching small children in Sunday School in a big church. Sure, I had the skill and training to teach toddlers. But was I free from shame?
No. I was wrung out with shame; totally short-circuited.
The child refused to give up her favorite toy. The mom begged me to overlook the rules. Why not just tuck the toy away in the diaper bag when the child was distracted and calmed down?
“No,” I said. Then I proceeded to scold that poor mommy.
Oh my goodness! I knew as the words came out of my self-righteous mouth that I was wrong. Handing the mom the toy, I took the child in and kept moving. On to my next victim. Shape up or ship out in Miss Cathy’s Sunday School Class.
Self-condemnation vs. Freedom from Shame
At first glance shame and self-righteousness may not seem to be from the same source. But the root of condemnation is self=-condemnation. As I soon discovered.
That morning, waiting for the mommies to pick up their sweet little toddlers, I knew I needed to apologize. But I didn’t have it in me.
I was stretched thin. I needed to work through a self-induced trauma. Many of you know my story. If not, you can find it here. Or if you like podcasts and videos, you’ll love Grace English’s interview of me. More about getting real to heal here. (“The power of the secret is broken when it’s spoken.” ~Grace English)
Fortunately for both me and that dear mommy, the child slipped past me and I didn’t see the mom.
Freedom from Shame
Of course, as the days passed, I felt worse and worse. But an interesting thing happened as I prayed about it. God whispered some truth in my heart.
“Cathy, that mommy is my daughter. She is more mature than you realize. She can handle this situation. I want you to let it go for now. Focus on getting better yourself. I will take care of her because I love you both.”
So for a whole year, I failed to apologize to her. And it really bugged my conscience.
But I went to counseling and my broken heart began to mend. Crushing guilt and shame attached to my abortion. I wept out loud and grieved through it. I owned my sin and began to walk in the forgiveness Jesus’ blood bought for me. I could breathe again.
Soon, I began to understand. Victory is a long marathon of self-discipline and sacrifice. His, not mine. Mine, too, but His sacrifice and self-discipline first.
I wanted freedom from shame and I was beginning to live it. I was beginning to forgive myself.
A year later, this same dear mommy was still bringing her child to me for Sunday school. One day I caught her in a quiet moment to apologize. I told her all that the Lord showed me about her beautiful heart and her relationship with God.
You know what she said to me?
“I know.” He told her the same thing!
Then I asked her to forgive me for failing her in that moment when she needed encouragement; for piling false shame and false guilt on her.
Guess what she said to that.
“I forgave you a year ago.”
Freedom from Shame: A Choice
Now think about what she could have done.
- She could have slammed me to all her friends, many of whom were my friends, too.
- Most moms would have at least checked in with the Sunday School Coordinator.
- Maybe offered some intensive training for me.
- She could have complained to the pastor and church elders.
- She could have poured shame out on me and I would have known I deserved it.
What a stir she could have caused. Instead, she chose patience and unity, not division.
She extended grace to me. God dealt with me in His own mercy, comfort, and timing. She never shamed me at all. She trusted God with my rudeness. Wow! She chose freedom from shame for herself and included me in her freedom.
Grace is what we give others while we wait for them to realize we all need His mercy.
Grace Gives Freedom from Shame
Mercy heals guilt instantly, if we let it. Guilt is an instant warning we messed up.
Grace heals shame. It takes a while. Shame is long term fuel to deal with long term bad habits.
When we feel guilt, mercy is what we need.
When we feel shame, a little longer help—grace—is what we need to heal shame. Grace gives us freedom from shame.
Patient grace is what my friend offered me, trusting God could correct me. And in the meantime, He met with her to comfort her and give her wisdom.
Bigger Fish to Fry
We can give ourselves grace, too. it’s also the very thing we can offer to each other– in our families and in our churches.
But it’s so hard, Cathy. How do we extend grace when folks are downright mean?
How? We keep reminding ourselves we have bigger fish to fry.
Then He said to them (Andrew and Peter), “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” ~Matthew 4:19 NKJV, parenthesis mine.
Jesus called us to be fishers of men, too. To be out there telling people about Him is pure joy. We don’t want to get snared in foolishness. No more sliming each other with false shame or false guilt.
That young mom who gave me grace is the picture of how we avoid divisions in families and churches. She patiently lived out how grace looks when we extend it to each other.
But, Cathy, what about when I was falsely accused? Or mis-judged? Or someone is just plain mean to me as I try to drop off my darling child at Sunday School?
The answer is simple: we don’t have to defend ourselves. God is our defender.
God Gives Us Freedom from Shame
We’ve all had moments when someone treated us poorly. Bummer! But God is our Defender, not us. Here’s just a couple of so many verses to memorize in case you need to power up:
“I will love You, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; My God, my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.” ~Psalm 18:1-2 NKJV
How do we do extend grace in those moments? Here’s a couple of tips that work for me:
- I look past the person and see Jesus’ love for them.
- Sometimes, when people falsely scold me, I see their mom standing behind them teaching them to scold, Ouch!
- I remind myself that God forgave me for an abortion.
- Then, He waited patiently for me to understand He could actually forgive me. It was a slow process.
- I try to spread the comfort He gave me.
- When grace seems impossible, I practice the 4 P’s.
If you have more ideas, please send them to me.
The 4 P’s = Power to Extend Grace
The 4 P’s are Pause, Pray, Ponder, and Proceed. They help me regain my equilibrium when life knocks me off balance.
Pause–
We take a breath and count to ten. We don’t lose our cool. Anytime we pull aside and refocus on God, we’ve done ourselves a favor. Being a companion to God is the sole purpose of our existence. Bringing others to Him is the supreme privilege of our life. That’s why Sunday is sacred.
Here’s a favorite verse about pausing to listen and experience God.
“My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God.” ~Psalm 62:5-7
Ponder–
Next, we can carve out some alone time to think about what happened and how we feel about it. Why are we having a reaction? Perhaps we just need to apologize and move on. Maybe we’ve truly experienced an injustice. Do we need better boundaries? If so, how do we find the balance of giving and saying no? Or maybe our past is coming back to haunt us with false assumptions that don’t apply to today.
Back in 2017, I started using Luke to define our podcast, Fireside Talk Radio.
“But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart.” ~Luke 2:19
Just think of all the stuff Mary had to think on. My life is so much simpler than hers. Hearing the verse week after week, I began to appreciate the value of taking a moment to simply ponder.
Pray–
We go to God and ask Him to give us wisdom and patience for the circumstances we face. Abide. I like to take a minute to refocus on Him and abide in His presence. What a great word! Abide. Just rest and simply be.
I’ve included so much about prayer in both my books. You can’t write about healthier conversations without including how we talk and listen to God.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” ~Philippians 4:6-7
Proceed–
Eventually however, when the time is right, gentle action is required to keep our relationships healthy. This is where my phrase fiercely eternal, yet gently present really pays off.
People freeze, fight, fix, or flee when we feel afraid. If any of those responses surface, we may need to take another minute to pause, ponder, pray, and consider why we feel afraid.
By the way, sometimes proceeding means to keep waiting and keep praying and keep pondering. Maybe we seek trustworthy counsel before we try anything else.
“If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.” ~John 15:7-8 NKJV
Everyone has at one time or another been misjudged. We’re all guilty of misjudging others. Misjudging is a temptation common to all of us. For that reason, we need to extend grace at every opportunity.
Uncomfortable Relationships? Bigger Fish to Fry
You may have relationships in church or in your family that feel uncomfortable. You probably do. We all do.
There’s a ton written now about canceling and disconnecting from key relationships. But an uncomfortable moment in a relationship does not mean it has to end. Sometimes, we can take a minute, practice the 4 P’s, then reengage in a healthier way. That’s the best outcome when possible.
I’m not saying to be co-dependent and ignore real problems. Obviously, never remain in abusive or dangerous situations.
Instead, consider whether you have the courage and patience to grant grace to people who may need it for a spell. Like the young mom did for me.
To give us strength as we ponder and pray about any relationships in our family or in church, keep something really important in mind. We have bigger fish to fry.
In the South, we say we have bigger fish to fry when we don’t have time for pettiness because we have serious priorities. Jesus called His desciples with a fishing analogy.
“Then He (Jesus) said to them, “Follow Me, and I will make you fishers of men.” They immediately left their nets and followed Him.” ~Matthew 4:19-20 NKJV (parenthesis mine)
Divisions in family or church do not serve our greater purpose. We don’t need to shame each other. If we get caught up in these little false shame/false guilt narratives–nit-picking–we will short-circuit our family or our church. We have bigger fish to fry.
Comfort and Freedom from Shame
Shame is an emotion. We tend to put our emotions in two camps. Good emotions, like happiness, joy, contentment, thankfulness. Bad emotions, like bitterness, anger, resentment, envy.
But, the truth is more simple. God created all our emotions. They all have a purpose. Shame is supposed to draw us to Him. Satan meddles in our emotions. He lies to us. The devil wants us to hide from God and from each other.
In the Revelation 12 passage above, verse 11 tells us how to overcome the devil.
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”~Revelation 12:11
Or another verse I like (maybe you noticed I quote it a lot. Hahaha!):
“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7
James 4: 7 is one of the first verses I memorized. But I quickly forgot the first part. 😂
As long as you’ve been alive — in my case 60+ years — the devil has been practicing mischief far longer. For more centuries than humans can count. Plus, lying is his primary language. He’s fluent in lying. So, it’s okay to be patient with yourself and with others. We need to stand together to overcome such a destructive, lying enemy.
We Can Not Force Freedom
Seriously, it’s worth noting that we can offer freedom, but we cannot force it on people.
Many people will choose to stay in their comfort zones, which may include habits of false guilt and false shame.
If we think controlling ourselves is hard, we might as well face the fact that controlling others is impossible.
If it was possible to control others, (pause for dramatic effect), all children would clean up their rooms! 🤣
Just like many small children take years to develop an aptitude for cleaning rooms, all people grow into self-awareness at their own rates. Some never master cleaning their room!
Ultimately, we must recognize that those we love get to choose; their choices are not ours to make. But our best bet for practicing pure influence is to practice patience grace.
Because guess what? Granting grace means we’re not distracted by foolishness. The devil doesn’t win. Instead, we have more time to fish!
Thanks for letting me write about shame. My heart is lighter now that this message is out in the universe. If you found it because God knew you needed it all I can say is this: Thank You, Jesus!
🙂
cathy
Discussion Questions–
What is your favorite idea from all the Shame Reboot lessons? When has shame kept you from fishing for men’s souls? Is there any sin that has you bound up so you are not free? If so, what trustworthy person might help you choose freedom from shame?
Let’s Pray Together—
Dear good Father, we spend so much time wrapped up in false-judgments and false shame and false guilt. It’s a wonder we can breathe at all. Plus, there’s the real issue of real guilt and real shame. It’s exhausting being human!
Thank You for Your dear Son, who died so we could be free. Thank You for the victory and healing You purchased for us in His death and resurrection. Such a high price! Such a valuable gift! Thank You, Jesus!
Thank You for giving us a free will to accept Your gift today. Help us now as we turn humble —pitiful, really—hearts to You. I know there are people reading this now who need healing. I know there are wounds that have never been talked about right here. There is shame that needs to be healed. We ask for Your grace now. Here. Hep us, O dear good Father. Free us from shame, please. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
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