My face flushed to red hot. My underarms got clammy. If only I could just melt into the floor and disappear? We’ve all felt shame. Ick! But did you know that the culprit that feeds false shame is SELF-condemnation?
Today, we’ll see how condemnation feeds self-righteousness and false shame. Here’s today’s big question:
- How are self-righteousness and self-condemnation related to each other?
All condemnation of others is rooted in self-condemnation. There’s a secret for shaking free from false shame. Once we understand how to recognize self-condemnation, it’s way easier to steer clear of false shame. Behind all self-righteousness is self-condemnation. Here’s today’s short video.
Self-Condemnation is No Joke
Here’s a perfect joke to describe how false shame shuts down communication and causes people to feel isolated from each other.
Over breakfast one morning, a wife said to her hubby, “I bet you don’t know what today is?”
“Of course, I do,” he replied indignantly. His face flushed and he felt his pulse surge. He pretended to check a message on his phone.
Was it her birthday? Their anniversary? He had no idea. He gave her a quick kiss and escaped to the office.
When he got to the office, he sent chocolates and flowers to their house by special delivery. Just to be on the safe side, at lunch he stopped by a boutique and picked out a fancy outfit for her.
He walked in the door that night, she saw the huge boutique box he carried and threw her arms around him.
“Honey, you’ve made this the best Ground Hog Day of my life!”
In this example, it’s easy to see how he assumed he messed up. He basically condemned himself for forgetting a big date on the calendar. He felt ashamed and he hadn’t even done anything wrong!
If only shame hadn’t derailed him! He could have simply asked her what day it was. (I adapted that joke from one Paul Powell used to tell.) Pretending is just one way we hide when we feel shame.
Self-Condemnation: At the Heart of Our National Conflict
Shame is a serious culprit in many of the problems our nation currently faces. Think of the symptoms of shame we see all around us:
- Insecurity, anxiety, depression, victimhood,
- Virtue signaling, perfectionism, self-righteous.
- False guilt, denial, feelings of unworthiness, self-rejection.
- Condemnation of others, judgmentalness, polarization.
- Self-destruction, identity confusion.
- Division, NOT UNITY.
People inevitably try to push their false shame on others. We will start to judge or condemn others to make ourselves feel better. It helps if we understand that beneath the surface, false shame is based in self-condemnation. Once we know what to look for, we can easily recognize self-condemnation in the way people condemn others.
In this blog we’re taking on this question: How are self-righteousness and self-condemnation related to each other?
You’re gonna love how much freedom this info grabs for us, each and every one!
Shame on you? No thank you!
How are self-righteousness and self-condemnation related to each other?
Self-righteousness is pretty easy to spot.
Whenever we hear someone condemning someone else, we usually recognize the self-righteousness in their words.
How can anyone point the finger at someone else and condemn them for sinning? Who hasn’t sinned? It’s pretty obvious when we fall into self-righteous.
Self-righteousness is another way of hiding or blaming. When we point the finger at someone else’s sin, we instantly feel better about how good we are. We may even feel less ashamed of our own foibles. Momentarily.
Beneath the root of condemning others is a sense of self-condemnation.
No Condemnation Now
If we know condemning others is self-righteous—why do we do it? Well, because we get our feelings hurt. Then, we get mad and instantly forget we’re a sinner, too. We tend to blow our stack.
Next thing you know, we say something we regret. We didn’t mean to get all judgmental, but hey, they deserved it.
There’s got to be a healthier way.
Fortunately, the Bible is very comforting when it comes to condemnation.
The Bible tells us is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus. If we are in Christ Jesus, walking not by flesh, but led by His Spirit, there is no condemnation.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.” ~Romans 8:1-2
No condemnation. None. Period.
Getting free of condemnation; what a great reason to get real with the Holy Spirit!
Denial Feeds False Shame
When we feel shame—like when we hear judgmental words coming out of our mouth— that’s the red light on our dashboard telling us our heart needs a tune-up.
But when we drive around experiencing shame—ignoring the signal, rather than addressing our issues— we make things so much worse. Sadly, when we fail to confess our real sinful patterns, we set ourselves up for more false shame to pile on.
First, we deny our own real sin. Then next thing you know, false shame over nothing piles on top of real shame! Before you know it we’re drowning in a sea of shame, self-condemnation, self-loathing, self-rejection, and self-destruction all because of denial. Ugh!
Denial is the word psychologists use when someone doesn’t want to admit they have a problem, “They’re in denial.” I’ve been there. Haven’t we all?
If we can’t identify and deal with our own responsibilities, we may choose denial. Basically we say, “I’m not a sinner.”
We will probably try to hide or blame others. In the first blog in the Shame Reboot Series, we looked at how Adam and Eve hid, they blamed others, they made excuses. At church, we might say, “Oh, that person is just so self-righteous.”
Denial: The Unpardonable Sin
Sometimes people don’t know it, but the Bible speaks to denial. Did you know there is one unpardonable sin? Its denial.
“Assuredly, I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they may utter; but he who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness, but is subject to eternal condemnation”— because they said, “He (Jesus) has an unclean spirit.” ~Mark 3:28-30 (parenthesis and italics mine)
In church, we don’t often talk about sin that cannot be pardoned. The Bible is clear. There is one unpardonable sin. It’s called Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. When we deny Christ, we are subject to eternal condemnation.
In modern churches, we don’t like to talk about eternal condemnation. Ouch! It sounds too archaic and well, condemning.
Instead, we tend to focus on the only way to heaven through accepting Jesus’ death and resurrection as a payment for our sin. All true. Our eternal destiny is secured by putting our faith in Jesus. In Him, we are forgiven and accepted by God.
Therefore, the most serious form of denial is to deny Christ when His Spirit reaches out to us to accept Him.
Once our eternal destination is secure for eternity, can we still continue to ignore His Holy Spirit? Of course we can and often do. Yep, I know this from painful first-hand experience.
Our Self-Condemnation Rooted in Self-Righteousness
God is still good even when our self-condemnation looks like self-righteousness.
Blasphemy is a long word that simply means to live in a way that teaches something false about God. God is good. Any time we forget God is good, we’ll start to live in ways that blaspheme Him.
Maybe we say all the right things at church, but harbor unloving attitudes toward certain brothers and sisters. Or maybe we trust in our own work to provide for our family rather than trusting in God’s provision.
God’s Holy Spirit: Our Helper
One of the Holy Spirit’s jobs is to nudge us when we sin. When we ignore Him, we’re basically calling God’s Spirit a liar. Can God be a liar? No! God is still good even when we act like fools.
“Nevertheless I tell you the truth. It is to your advantage that I go away; for if I do not go away, the Helper will not come to you; but if I depart, I will send Him to you. And when He has come, He will convict the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: of sin, because they do not believe in Me; of righteousness, because I go to My Father and you see Me no more; of judgment, because the ruler of this world is judged.” ~John 16:7-11
The Holy Spirit is our Helper. Some versions translate παρακλητον as Comforter or Encourager.
I don’t know about you, but when it comes to my sin, I need help, comfort, and encouragement!
I am glad to know a Helper.
God’s beautiful Spirit reveals truth about God to us Himself, primarily through His written word. There are other ways we get glimpses of His Spirit, too, like a friend’s kindness, a walk in nature, or a whispered thought so profound it must be His voice.
The more we want to know our good God, the more we want to be like Him.
Denial Sets Us Up For More False Shame
Sadly, blasphemy of the Holy Spirit (denial) can be an ongoing process that follows us into our Christian walk. We can habitually live in a way that says, “God is mean or unjust or not to be trusted.” I love what Paula Quinn said about underestimating God’s goodness in her book, Questions God Asks Us. You can find my interview with Paula here.
Or, we can pretend God is wrong when he convicts us of our own sin. “I’m not at fault because the other person was at fault first.”
When we pretend God’s Spirit is a liar, we are not able to receive the peace and forgiveness He is offering. He wants to help us. But we deny Him.
We’d rather walk around in unforgiveness and self-righteousness. We live with subtle self-condemnation because we don’t want to confess our sin to Him. We choose self-righteousness because it seems easier than admitting our own sin.
Self-condemnation: A Constant Temptation
We’ve all done it. Denied our own sin. Blamed someone else. Compared ourself to others who definitely won’t measure up to our amazing standard.
We are daily tempted to do it again. It affects how we treat our family. And how we treat brothers and sisters at church.
Blasphemy of the Holy Spirit tells us we’re just fine on our own righteousness. We listen to Satan’s temptation to ignore God. Or lie about who He is. Then, we fall subject to every stupid accusation and lie the devil can think of. We fall prey to false shame.
Denial sets us up for more false shame.
Denial is pretending everything is perfect. We ignore God’s prompt to confess real sin.
When we condemn others, we take upon our own shoulders the need to do everything perfectly, so we won’t be like those sinners over there.
Are we just pretending, like the husband did at breakfast? Sure, I know what day it is.
Doesn’t that sound like self-righteousness? Fortunately, the Bible has more encouragement. Keep reading!
Cure for self-condemnation
All unrighteousness, even self-righteousness, can be forgiven and cleansed, if we acknowledge and confess it as sin.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” ~ 1 John 1:9
The obvious solution is to open our eyes, open our heart, and deal with our own guilt and shame, rather than hiding or blaming.
Guilt is supposed to prompt us to an immediate confession. So we get His instant mercy. Shame is for when we fail to confess immediately. Healthy shame helps us so we adopt a habit of listening for God’s beautiful Holy Spirit.
The next step in the process of letting go of self-condemnation is to replace the false concepts of self with true ones. The best way to do that is to listen closely for the comfort and encouragement whispered by a God who loves us fiercely and without wavering.
Also, when we free ourselves from healthy shame by confessing true sin, we begin to spot false shame for what it is. That is great news!
Truth With a Texas Twang: Freedom from False Shame
We are coming to the end of the Shame ReBoot Series. If you missed the blogs leading up to this one, I hope you will seek them out. So far we’ve looked at:
- Why division happens.
- How shame looks in families and the church.
- How all emotions are designed by God with a good purpose.
- How idolatry was really scary stuff (and still is).
- Why our good God designed shame to divide us from evil.
- How shame is a saving grace.
- The difference between guilt and shame.
- How shame is the fuel that helps us correct bad habits and bad attitudes.
- Why Satan loves to heap false shame on us.
- How others use fake shame to manipulate.
- Why negative self-talk is just false accusations.
It’s taken over a year for me to post all I wanted to say on the subject of shame. If anything here has helped you, please pass these blogs on to a friend.
Wow! When I look down this list of the truths included in this series, I understand why this series drew so much spiritual attack. I humbly ask for your prayers because I need them. Thank you for hanging in there with me!
Next time, True Freedom
Okay, I think we are almost done with this series. It’s been a labor of love, like childbirth only longer and without the reward of a darling little baby.
I want to close with a Freedom-loving, Praise-God, Glory-Haleluiah finish to the Shame Reboot Series. I’ve got a good start. Please pray me past any obstacles the enemy is sure to cast in my path. I’d like to have it before July is over since America’s birthday a is a delightful month to celebrate true freedom!
So simple. So true.
As always, please know that you are loved. We have a good Father who wants you to know you are worthy of His affection because He made you and He loves you. So simple. So true.
Never doubt for a minute that He loves you. I know it’s hard to believe sometimes, but it’s still true.
His love is so true. And so comforting.
🙂
Cathy
Let’s Pray Together
Dear good Father, We know You hate self-righteousness because it is a pit. You spoke strongly, harshly even, to Pharisees. We want to be humble people who confess our own sin quickly. Help us look beyond the self-righteousness in others to understand their self-condemnation. Teach us to walk in Your Spirit’s presence and bring others to You. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
For more on how to accept Christ as your Savior, check out one of my favorite blogs, When a Good Man Dies: One Man’s Impact.
Discussion Questions–
- What things from your past do you need to leave at the foot of the cross?
- Which things that other people did to you keep cropping up?
- How has self-righteousness –yours or someone else’s–impacted you?
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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
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