Grace and mercy are different. How is grace different from mercy? And why does the difference even matter? Knowing the difference between grace and mercy will make us less messy people in the long run.
As a young believer, I noticed Christians used the words mercy and grace interchangeably. They treated mercy and grace like synonyms. Yet even with synonyms, words always have nuance. So what’s the difference?
Bible teachers gave superficial definitions like “Grace is God’s unmerited favor.”
I get it, but I wanted deeper. Finally one day a clear grace and mercy difference popped into my head, Grace is what God gives us while He waits for us to realize we need His mercy. Grace is God’s long-suffering, patient love.
Grace is what God gives us while He waits for us to realize we need His mercy.
(And apparently, I no longer understand how to embed YOUTubes. Ugh! So here’s the link for a short YouTube description of what I cover in the following blog.
Grace and Mercy Differ: Mercy Cures Guilt
Suddenly, in that moment, I knew. Mercy relates to guilt, like grace relates to shame.
Knowing the difference matters. Why? If we don’t recognize the difference, we may suffer for a very long time with untreated temptation. We may cause everyone around us to suffer, too, with our long term sin habits. Ouch! Nobody wants that!
In other words, when we confess our guilt, God grants us mercy instantly. Our feeling of guilt is supposed to trigger repentance and a quick confession. “Oh, I messed up. I was selfish. Please forgive me.”
The emotion of true guilt is our friend. Guilt was designed by a God who wants us to have a great relationship with Him and with each other. Mercy cure’s for guilt. If we confess our sin and accept God’s forgiveness, our sin is paid for on the cross by Jesus death and resurrection. No other payment necessary.
God wants us to confess our sinful choice as soon as we feel guilty. But if we fail to do so, shame sets in almost immediately. Thus, many people think of guilt as a negative emotion resulting from a behavior, i.e. I feel guilty because I did something wrong. The same theory says shame goes to the worthiness of a person, i.e. I feel shame because I am no good; I can’t help myself because I am no good.
Grace and Mercy Differ: Grace Treats Shame
So what is God’s cure for shame?
If we confess our sin as soon as we notice it, we can immediately release ourselves from guilt. If God sets us free there’s no reason to imprison ourselves with false guilt. We can be free indeed.
If we find ourselves trapped by repetitive attitudes or behaviors, shame will set in. And that feeling of helplessness and unworthiness.
Fortunately, there’s good news, again. Jesus’ blood is enough to cover our sins and free us from repetitive sin patterns, if we’re willing to confess and trust Him to help us. His sacrifice establishes and proves how very worhty we are. So worthy, He paid for us with His own life.
When we recognize our shame —our part in a habitual problem—God has already been patiently waiting for us to confess and take responsibility for our bad habit. Grace is His answer for things we should be ashamed of.
We could keep going around feeling ashamed and unworthy. We could think, I don’t deserve God’s forgiveness. I am not worthy of a happy life. Why should He help me?
Or, shame can fuel our own positive desire to have a pure heart and self-respect. We can think, I know God loves me because He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sin. Wow! I must be worth something to Him. Maybe I’m worth a lot to Him.
Yep, you sure are worth a lot.
Proof We are Worth A Lot
Shame and unworthiness are linked. We often feel we don’t deserve God’s love because we mess up all along the way. But the truth is so much different. He loves us because we are His creation, not because we can earn His affection. We are worthy simply because He made us and rejoices over His creation. He further proved it by sending His Son to be our Savior, if we but accept Him.
I sometimes wonder that God didn’t strike me with lightning along the way. I sure deserved it. No matter how anyone else defines grace, I will always think of it as me standing in a field with my fist balled up at God and he sends lightning my way but chooses to strike near enough to get my attention. To me, God’s grace is evidenced by what I survived in my life and learned in the process.
More Great News about how Grace and Mercy Differ
The great news is, His mercy is new every morning. Already available for whatever silly, selfish choices we make today.
“Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.”~ Lamentations 3:22-23
Like mercy, God’s grace is so much bigger than the way we typically think of it. His patient love–what we’re calling grace in this discussion–does not evaporate when we realize we need his mercy for some single sin we commit.
People define grace as unmerited favor. That’s a good definition, especially if we think through how very good He is to us in too many ways to number.
- First, He loves us while we are yet sinners. Then, His grace gives us the time we need to process that He exists and rewards those who seek Him (Hebrews 11:16).
- Then, He patiently affords us grace in every self-willed attitude or selfish habit along the way. Yep, and all the while he is letting it rain on the unjust as well as the just (Matthew 5:45).
- In other words, He doesn’t condemn us on our worst day when we seriously deserve it. He keeps loving us all along the way.
- And He is willing to provide for us and help us if we will turn to Him for what we need.
If God’s grace doesn’t introduce peace into our life, I don’t know what will.
“Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God.” ~Romans 5:1-2
Grace Looks like This First
If grace is the cure for shame, why does grace have to be so hard? Great question! Giving grace to others is hard, but granting ourselves grace might be even harder.
Why is grace hard? Because we want grace and we want it NOW. But grace is the solution to the long term problem of habitual sin. Shame just lets us know we have a problem. God’s grace is the solution.
Grace requires patience. Groan.
Patience is the beginning of grace.
Let’s take a quick look at why we must have patience with ourselves and each other. Being patient with each other is the opposite of rejection.
Rejecting God, leads to self-rejection. It’s a progression. One of the most worrisome trends in our culture today is self-rejection.
Self-condemnation and self-rejection are the opposite of grace.
A Modern Example of Self-condemnation and Self-rejection
The Transgender Movement is just one example of self-condemnation and self-rejection. This movement is a perfect example of how the Church is failing to offer comfort. It makes me really sad to think people could be so removed from God’s love that they would reject their own body.
As Christians, we understand our body is a temple designed by God for God’s own presence. We need to help all people understand their own beautiful design and love themselves completely. Self-rejection is often followed closely by self-destruction.
Self-rejection and Self-destruction
One example? The increasing number of suicides among those who call themselves transgender. The Transgender Movement is just one example of how Christians need to be very careful about heaping shame on people who are already confused and burdened. We want freedom and we want to offer it to others.
Fortunately, we also are seeing the beginning of a de-transition movement as well. With truth comes freedom. Hopefully, your church is prepared to welcome people with grace and truth, without condemnation.
When we meet people who are burdened with shame, pouring more shame on them, will not help them heal. I think of pouring on shame as sliming people. Have you ever felt slimed? I bet we all have.
Is sliming too silly of a word-picture for such a serious topic? Maybe. But I really hate to feel slimy. Mowing the grass comes to mind. Once I feel slimy, I always crave a hot shower with a lot of shampoo. Shame has the same effect on me; I want to wash it off immediately. Condemning people–acting as though their sin makes them unworthy of God’s love– is one way of putting false shame on others.
Residual False Shame
Sometimes, we also carry residual false shame from our childhood. False shame is an effective way to control others. And what parent doesn’t need a little control? Unfortunately, the shortcut of shaming breaks trust with our kids. And leads to lasting pain in their lives.
Parents often accidentally shame their kids into submission. Sadly, the residual pain of this style of parenting can permeate all our relationships as adults, too, including at church.
When we notice shameful behavior, we only see the outward symptoms. We have no clear way to judge what prompted the problem. It seems there is always woundedness we can’t comprehend in every soul. Certainly, we’re in no position to condemn. Instead, we can slow down a minute and consider the way loving parents begin the process of pointing out shameful behavior early in life, with the utmost tenderness. The goal is always to reconnect with each other.
Patient Parenting
As parents, with our small children, we gently clarify shameful behaviors or attitudes as they play. Was it loving to take two turns and only give your little sister one turn? (Injustice.) Were you being a good friend when you told our neighbor how naughty your sister was? (Unfaithfulness.) God is patient with us and we need to be patient with our kids and with each other.
It is good to keep in mind, we’ve all sinned. Sometimes, we can point people in the right direction by acknowledging their attitude about you is perhaps a sin against God, which is even more serious than some minor infraction against you.
I really don’t think it is ever necessary to ever intentionally shame people. Of course some things are shameful. Unfaithfulness and injustice come to mind immediately because they speak so clearly to God’s nature.
Is Shaming EVER Okay?
Is it possible to properly “shame” someone? Can you shame someone in a good way? Hmm. Great questions. The answer is yes, but very carefully and not often. What is NOT okay EVER is condemnation. But, oh my, the difference between shaming and condemning is a very slippery slope.
To clarify, here’s an example of “proper shaming.” if there is such a thing.
An Example of Healthy Guilt and Shame toward Quick Correction
Once a very wise person told me she and her hubby saved their “wrath“ for specific moments with their kids. They only expressed anger when a behavior would cost their child in the long run. She explained, for instance, if big brother hit little sister, he experienced their “wrath.” No scolding or out-of-control behavior, just a profound sense of his parents displeasure with him, expressed with careful words. Talking through his bad behavior would help him understand the corrective nature of guilt and shame. But their “anger” only surfaced long enough to correct him. Then, they quickly forgave him and encouraged him ask his sister for forgiveness. Imagine the lessons learned by the whole family.
As adults, we need to be even more cautious with people who suffer from shame because they may be severely wounded.
How do you know if you’re sliming yourself and others with false guilt or false shame? Or even true shame?
Quick Tip About Shaming Others
Here’s a quick tip: If we hear ourself using the word “should,” pause and pray. As in, you should do this, you shouldn’t do that. NOT HELPFUL. We should just delete “should” from your vocabulary. Wink, wink.
Instead use “could.” Or just listen for a while. Then we can ask good questions, to start a conversation. How could I serve you? Where could you find resources to help you? If we formed a small group, could you attend?
So simple. “Could” doesn’t slime people. “Could” respects people’s free will.
Whether we are parenting or just trying to be good friends at church, we do not want to ever imply that people’s worth is subject to other people’s dissatisfaction. Human worth is bought and paid for by Jesus’ blood. No condemnation allowed.
The Value of Good Questions
By the way, just because someone is unhappy with us, does not even actually mean we’ve done anything wrong. We frequently misjudge each other. For that reason, it’s always a good idea to ask many questions to find out what is really going on in any relationship.
Good questions imply patience, interest, and commitment.
Fortunately, the first step toward a cure for shame is gentle patience. Patience is how we begin to offer God’s long-suffering grace.
When we practice patience, we are practicing grace. Remember grace is what God offers us as He waits. Sometimes, we too need to wait on others to recognize their need for mercy and a change in lifestyle. Patiently waiting–not giving up or rejecting– is a kind of grace.
Shame is another kind of grace God designed to help people recognize their need for Him, the only One who can truly heal us.
SUMMARY—
To summarize, the Church has an opportunity to offer comfort as God’s own beautiful Holy Spirit is called the Comforter. We know Him.
We’re surrounded by people in a mental health crisis, that is, a spiritual crisis brought on by seeking comfort through addictions. To turn people from self-rejection, we have to begin by refusing to reject each other here in our own family or our own church.
I refuse to reject you. You may reject me, but I refuse to reject you.
Instead we can offer the healing grace that frees us from shame.
We can offer grace to folks as we wait for them to realize they need God’s mercy. We can do that together in our family and our church.
I’m not saying it’s easy. Only that it is possible. Offering grace is our calling.
Our Emotional Dash Board
I want to circle back to where we began for a quick minute. If you are wondering if shame could EVER be healthy, please read this blog: Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide?
Knowing God gives us all emotions as a dash board to keep us safe, we get to choose how we respond. Will we hide? Can we reach out with grace and patience to others? Will we pretend we can be righteous in our own self? We could acknowledge we all suffer with sin; we all have pain that could easily drive us to addictive behaviors.
Will we put aside the temptation to add false shame to the real shame people often feel? As a church, we can be people who patiently care for others where they hurt.
We can tell the gentle truth about shame, even as we embrace the joy of a Savior who died and rose for anyone—and I mean ANYONE— who would receive Him.
Joy follows knowing how Grace and Mercy Differ
We can accept shame as a grace God provided because He wants to be in close fellowship with us. We can embrace the joy that comes with freedom from shame. Joy follows when we study the difference between grace and mercy. When we walk in the truth, we free ourselves from false guilt and false shame. Joy and freedom follow.
I wish I didn’t know as much about shame as I do. It’s taken me a lifetime to embrace with joy the healthy benefits of true shame. To choose the healthy repentance that shame spotlights. I need patience with myself to break myself of habitual bad attitudes. I still need grace even now. If only I didn’t!
My prayer for you is that you will recognize shame when you see it in yourself and others. That you’ll respond to both healthy and false shame with pure beautiful grace. That you will know your worth.
🙂
Cathy
Let’s Pray Together
Dear good Father, You are so patient with us. Help us understand the worth You place on each of us. We fail to notice Your grace toward us and we fail to offer grace to others. Please forgive us. Teach us to live like Your Son. Help us identify the true source of our shame and turn to You for comfort. For anyone who might want to receive You today, give them courage to acknowledge sin and confess their need for a Savior—the One True Savior. Then, put a trustworthy, patient friend in their life to share this joyful and kinda scary moment. Bless us now, good Father, because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.
For more on how to accept Christ as your Savior, check out one of my favorite blogs, When a Good Man Dies: One Man’s Impact.
Discussion Questions–
- How has God shown up in our church with grace?
- When has someone at church spoken mercy or grace over you?
- What challenge do you face where you need patience to persevere? How can we pray for you?
- In our church, what can we do to convey (to seekers outside the church) that we are people who are committed to giving grace to each other?
Next time—
Next up, I’m very excited to share my “Addiction Handout. With each from of addiction, I suggest what might be the undercurrent behind that addiction. Obviously, I’m not a therapist. Some of my thoughts are from personal experience and some are just prayerful ideas. My hope is to prompt us all to think more personally about temptations we all face.
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Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
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