Negative self talk is one of the most common symptoms of false shame. Who hasn’t experienced negative self talk? It’s everywhere! Last week we looked at the most common sources of false shame; people and the devil. This week, we explore how to push back against false shame. Yep, there is definitely hope to free ourselves of negative self talk in the process!
Negative self talk is a symptom of shame. Can we push back against false shame? You bet! Read today’s blog to be free.
If you missed my last blog on false (fake) shame, you may feel like you’re eavesdropping in on a conversation that doesn’t make sense today. That’s okay. You’re welcome to jump in here with us. We’ve been talking about seeing the difference between healthy shame and false (fake) shame. And pushing back against shame to freedom.
You can find the Shame Reboot blogs leading up to this one here: Division: What’s Shame Got to Do With It?, Why would a Good God Design Shame to Divide?, and Fake Shame: How Do We Shake Free? And much more on my YouTube Channel.
Today we take on Question #6 in The Shame Reboot Series:
Question #6: How do we shake free of negative self talk–the wicked counterfeit: false shame and false accusations and negative self talk– straight from the pit of hell?
My old friend Paul W. Powell was famous for opening sermons with jokes. Here’s one perfect for today, adapted from his book, A Funny Thing Happened On the Way to Retirement.
Paul’s Joke: Knocked Down
Bill, a young coach, started his first job recruiting for an old winning coach. The winning coach explained his philosophy to this young coach.
“Bill, there are different types of players and some of them we don’t want at our school. Some players get knocked down once, and they stay down.”
“We don’t want those, do we coach?”
“That’s right, Bill. Some players get knocked down once and get back up. But when they get knocked down the second time, they stay down.”
“We don’t want those either, do we coach?”
“That’s right! Some players get knocked down, and they just keep getting up every time.”
“That’s who we want, right coach!” exclaimed Bill.
“No! We want that guy who keeps knocking everybody down!”
That’s right. Satan is on the opposing team. If we don’t build a defense, he’ll just keep knocking us down. And false (fake) shame is one way he defeats us. Experiencing negative self talk is proof. Satan is hard core.
Negative Self Talk is One Symptom of False Shame
Negative self talk is only one symptom of false shame, but it’s a doozy. Like the players always trying to sack the quarterback, Satan constantly sends all his minions to whisper negative self talk in our heads. Why not? He’s bent on our destruction.
What could be more destructive than accepting the lie? We see evidence of people rejecting their own identity all over our culture right now. Instead, we need to embrace a beautiful truth:
God loves us and Jesus died to prove it.
Then, in the greatest demonstration of power in the history of mankind, Jesus rose from the dead. He’s inviting you to be His friend. Wow!
Why in the world would we give the devil on minute of free space in our head? Never! Not when we could fill our souls with the beauty of God’s own Holy Spirit.
So, how do we build a defense against false shame and the incessant whisperings of our enemy, i.e. negative self-talk? By bolstering our confidence.
Building a Defense Against Negative Self Talk
What we do we need to stand against negative self-talk? Confidence. Why? Because shame communicates to our self-worth. So how do we bolster our confidence? Two ways:
- By knowing what is true and
- Doing what is hard.
Some of us are like the players who keep getting knocked down. Satan enjoys driving us crazy. Instead, we need to build a unified team to withstand his tactics.
For that reason, building a healthy community around our family always supports our confidence–our sense of worthiness. Plus, true friends will always help us know what is true and do what is hard.
Letting Go of Control
Letting go of control means we must quit shaming others, even accidentally. Once we quit shaming others, it’s easier to recognize when someone is trying to falsely shame us.
As humans, we really love to control anything and anyone we can. One of the hardest things to do is to let go of control. Obviously, Satan plays on our own fleshly tendencies.
For instance, as parents and grandparents, it’s very tempting to shame or guilt our kids into obedience. Why? Because shame and guilt work to manipulate and control people. Sometimes, we even run into adult leaders who are simply repeating the parenting techniques their parents used on them.
Ick! Manipulation and control show up at work, in families, and yes, even in churches. When you see manipulative leaders bullying and coercing, it’s often false shame they are exploiting.
Leading Ourselves Away from Negative Self Talk
Shame is very, very powerful. Actually, shame can be both good and bad. False shame is often used to control.
Shaming people is easy. It’s so much harder to build vision, trust free will, and lead by example.
When we refuse to shame others, we begin to free ourselves from lingering false shame. We begin to walk in the truth that we are worthy, too.
Obviously with healthy shame–shame designed to correct us–we simply confess our sin and apologize, then take responsibility for change. (Ouch! Definitely easier said than done, but there it is in a nutshell. See the bottom of the blog for more.)
In our last blogs, we went into a lot more detail about the purpose of healthy shame, why a good God desiged shame, and the and the difference between healthy shame and false shame.
Now let’s take a look at how to push back when the devil (or anyone else) tries to manipulate us with false shame, especially with negative self talk.
Pushing Back Against Negative Self Talk
The problem with false (fake) shame, is it’s not grounded in truth. False shame always rests on an accusation invented by a liar. (More on healthy shame at the end of today’s blog.)
Sometimes, Satan uses other people to accuse us. Sometimes, he just gets us thinking in false ways about our self. Either way, false (fake) shame always undermines our sense of worth. Fake shame undermines our identity. Naturally, negative self talk follows.
But there’s great news: Revelation gives us a big clue about how to overcome the devil.
“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”~Revelation 12:11 (bold mine)
Inviting Jesus into your life is a great way to begin to repair the damage done by an enemy who wants to destroy you.
Pushing Back By Memorizing Scripture
At 19 years old, my head was spinning with the false stuff I had accumulated. I knew I needed my brain rebooted with truth. (You can find my testimony at the bottom of my homepage. Or testimonies from Dr. James McAndrew and David Stiles, too.)
As a young believer, I came across the following verse and LOVED it. I recited it silently every time I got pummeled by negative self talk.
“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” ~James 4:7
Of course, I kept forgetting that first part: submit to God! 😂
Thankfully, when you fill your head and heart with scripture, there’s just not enough room left for Satan to lie to ya. And submitting to God gets easier.
I started memorizing scripture immediately after I accepted Jesus as my Savior. If you’re interested in memory work, here’s some great inspiration.
One thing I love about memorizing scripture is it gives me a solid check point for truth.
Let’s look at more of James 4 since it’s packed with ideas for resisting the devil.
“But He gives more grace. Therefore He says: ‘God resists the proud, But gives grace to the humble.’ Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.” ~James 4:6-10
God wants us to respond to healthy shame with true repentance. But He also wants us to free ourselves from false shame.
Most of us struggle against both true shame and false shame. Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference. If you feel overwhelmed, don’t feel too bad about it. Remember you’ve been alive a short time, even say 60+ years like me, whereas the devil has been practicing mischief for centuries.
Plus, lying is Satan’s primary language. He’s fluent in lying.
When you memorize scripture, you’ll begin to notice truth easier. And you’ll want to share truth and freedom, too.
Offering Freedom to Others
As much as we want to offer others freedom, sometimes they simply don’t know how to accept it.
Seriously, it’s worth noting that we can offer freedom, but we cannot force it on people.
Many people will choose to stay in their comfort zones, which may include habits of false guilt and false shame. Including embracing negative self talk. (Sometimes folks don’t know the difference between negative self talk and accepting our limits with grace. If you want more on that topic, just say so in the comments and I’ll build a blog with more.)
If we think controlling ourselves is hard, we might as well face the fact that controlling others is impossible. If it was possible to control others, (pause for dramatic effect), all children would clean up their rooms.
All people grow into self-awareness at their own rates. Some never master cleaning their room!
Like Jesus, all we can offer are options with patience, while respecting others’ right to choose their own paths. Their own thoughts, their own beliefs; all are choices they get to make.
Ultimately, we must recognize that those we love get to choose; their choices are not ours to make. But our best bet for practicing pure influence is to practice patience. We’ll talk more about patience in an upcoming lesson of freedom from shame.
To Summarize: Giving Negative Self Talk the Boot
We all struggle with false shame because Satan’s got nothing better to do than lie and accuse. Sometimes, negative self talk is evidence of a spiritual attack.
On the one hand, healthy shame is designed to help us. If we choose a moral failing, we can simply repent. If it’s a simple mistake, we don’t need to beat ourselves up.
On the other hand, false shame is the result of lies, not moral failings. False shame has many symptoms, one of which is negative self talk.
Either way, we can rest in Jesus’ grace. And we can decide to grant others some grace, too. We’ll find grace easier if we submit to God and resist the devil.
Negative Self Talk: Satan’s Tool for Manipulation
If negative self talk has you down, don’t give up! For sure, I know from personal experience if we resist the devil he definitely flees.
Satan only hangs around if we give him space in our thoughts and attitudes. One powerful way to stay clear of him is to memorize scripture. We gain confidence when we know what is true (by knowing scripture) and do what is hard (like pushing back with truth. Or taking responsibility for our attitudes.)
My prayer for you is that Jesus is your TRUE Friend to help you know what is true and do what is hard. Certainly, God has good plans for you. They may seem impossible today. What? Is that the devil I hear whispering that things are too hard? Think again!
“For with God nothing will be impossible.” ~Luke 1:37
Thank You!!
Thank you for reading today’s thoughts. It’s a lot, I know. Please let me know if anything helps you. Yep, this series seems to have brought on some spiritual warfare. I could really use the encouragement. Especially in the comments. Thank you for your prayers.
🙂
cathy
Conversation Questions:
In case you want to create a better conversation in your family, small group, or church:
- When have you heard or used shame, i.e. false shame, to control others?
- What are verses you know to free yourself from negative self talk?
- If nothing was impossible with God, what would you do?
Let’s pray together
Dear Good Father, You want us to know how much You love us. You even sent Your only Son with the message of hope and forgiveness; freedom from all shame. Glory! Teach us to notice when the devil is playing mind games with us, trying to psych us out with false shame. Help us pass along freedom others, especially our children and grandchildren. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Healthy Shame: Some Quick Examples
In case the idea of healthy shame seems crazy, let’s take a quick look at how healthy shame helps us.
BTW, healthy shame can always be addressed by confessing our own sin, i.e. we take responsibility for our own bad attitudes and mess-ups. Once we confess, we begin the process of breaking bad habits.
For example, we lose our temper with a parent. Even if that parent is particularly annoying, we still need to take responsibility for our temper. Maybe that includes a little prayer time with the Lord, since heaven knows aging parents can be quite trying.
Still, we apologize to our parents for losing it because the 10 Commandments tell us to honor our father and mother.
We want to obey God, even if good ole mom and dad never grow up. Apologizing quickly for losing our temper is a simple way of honoring our parents. If we apologize quickly, we’ve responded to healthy guilt. If we take our time to overcome our own bad or hurt attitude, healthy shame is what will eventually motivate us, hopefully. Once we’ve taken responsibility for our attitude and action, we’re free. Even if they never take responsibility for their stuff.
In doing so, we honor God, no matter how many times our parent fails to apologize or take responsibility for their bad attitudes and decisions. That’s their problem. (And probably would require a very long blog about letting them reap what they sow, boundaries, etc.)
If you’re still scratching your head, go to last week’s blog for the difference between healthy shame and fake shame.
Freedom in your Inbox
For further freedom from shame, you can get all the upcoming Shame Reboot Lessons by subscribing here. (There is no charge to subscribe and the form is real simple. I never sell or share your info. Never, ever.)
The Next Lesson:
Next time, we’re looking how condemnation of others and self-condemnation are linked. If anyone you love is self righteous and judgmental, you’re going to find freedom in this series. You are gonna love the next lesson.
Making Marriage Great Again
Recently, I’ve shared a series of short videos hoping to give folks a marriage boost. Find them here. Also, you can find a bunch more videos on my YouTube channel.
Thank you for praying, too, that folks keep buying my books and sharing them with others. Your help and endorsements are essential to what we do. We are very GRATEFUL FOR YOU!!
We truly believe for those who want to reboot or rediscover the marriage of their dreams, Marriage Conversations is terrific! You can get the first chapter of Marriage Conversations FREE here.
Also, we LOVE all the ways Jesus took a woman from isolation to influence in one conversation, which I explored in The Well, the art of drawing our authentic conversations.
Both my publishers offer group discounts. Shout out to my publishers, CrossRiver Media (Marriage Conversations) and Elk Lake Publishing (The Well).
PLEASE share all our videos, memes, podcasts, and blogs. Thank you very much.
Special Shout Out
A special shout out to my friend Mark Legg who patiently challenged me to think harder as he read and critiqued the Shame Reboot Series. Thank you, Mark, for letting me stay true to my own opinions, while bolstering my confidence with your Biblical insight.
Additionally, thank you to all my friends who read the Shame Reboot before it ever saw the light of day. You know who you are and I am grateful for all your input, correction, and encouragement.
FREE Resources for Small Churches
If I can serve you, your business, or your church in any way, I hope you will let me. Contact me, if you want to know more about:
- how to sponsor resources for small churches to grow in better communication, or
- how to cultivate better communication in your business or church.
Thank you for sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or Marriage Conversations: From Coexisting to Cherished. To join the Fireside Tribe and receive our FREE weekly interviews, blogs, and podcasts, hit the yellow button below.
If you love the books and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know. My publishers offer group discounts.
Click here to find our books: Marriage Conversations: from co-existing to cherished, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations
❤️ You’re Invited to Join the Fireside Tribe ❤️
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
Recent Comments