Ironically, if I tell you today’s topic is “porn addiction,” without quotation marks, my website may end up in SEO jail. If I go offline next week, you’ll know why. Getting help to “porn-invaded marriages,” as my new hero Rosie MaKinney likes to call it, is worth the risk.

Please pray my website doesn’t fail due to taking on this topic. My book, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations comes out any minute and I really need my website functional.  (To get the news as soon as The Well is available, sign up here.)

The Big P

I hope quotation marks work. Last time we talked about this topic, we changed the Big P-word to purity, but really? People searching for relief from the “porn addiction” epidemic may not think to look for purity first. 

Can you believe it! Folks can put out movies exploiting young girls in dance class, but we can’t talk online about how to reclaim our homes, marriages, children, churches, and communities from the steady stream of Big P saturating our eyes, ears, and hearts? Really?

Give me a break. I’m so pleased to bring you the story and wisdom of a champion in the Fight For Love. Rosie knows what it takes to free our families of all the problems associated with “porn addiction.” 

We are fighting back. If you thought you were alone, no way! God is good. Only fools would mess with His people.

Deep, Dark, Sordid, and EVERYWHERE

“What I’d heard were these sort of scandalizing stories in the tabloids of celebrities doing, you know, deep and dark things. It all seemed a little sordid and scary.” 

We might assume that real people with real jobs really don’t have time for self-indulging in “porn addiction.” The truth is totally different.

“The statistics are staggering. People often say to me, ‘Oh, you’re so brave to tackle this topic,” she reports. But Rosie says if we really comprehended how many people were struggling we ‘d ask a different question. 

Why Aren’t We Talking About “Porn Addiction?”

“The only question is why aren’t we all talking about this?” says Rosie because everybody knows somebody who has struggled with “porn addiction.” 

“They’ve either been personally affected by it in their own relationship or a loved one or a friend or something,” she adds. “I literally have not met a single person who hasn’t gone, ‘You know what, that was my story or my sister’s story or my friend’s story.’”

My question is, if the world is presenting a violent, degrading picture of sexual intimacy, shouldn’t the church be fighting diligently to present the truth? 

Unfortunately, while we hesitate, Hollywood and social media are presenting crazier stuff by the minute. (For more tools to introduce taboo topics at your church, click here. Every Fireside Talk Radio podcast is designed to open up unthreatening conversations with those you love.)

I expect Rosie’s book, Fight For Love, to become a classic immediately. After reading it, you will feel empowered to fight for your love and family. She promotes early intervention with specific steps. Plus, she tells you what to do if you are beyond early intervention. Great stuff!

I’m shamelessly promoting her book. Once you read, I believe it you will too.

How’d Rosie Get So Smart?

Before she was a Christian, Rosie had been in a previous relationship with an unrepentant “porn addict.” His attitude was that everybody does it and the problem was hers. 

Men may imply their wives are no fun or too prudish. She lists other tell-tale signs, like “being hyper-critical or over-sensitive or withdrawing or resentment or anger, all these other things.”

“He blamed me and twisted it back on me. Nothing I did worked,” explains Rosie, describing their relationship as “very sort of abusive, gaslighting, crazy land.” 

Sometimes husbands demand more sexually than the wife feels comfortable with. But many husbands become sexually avoidant because of “porn addiction.” Both demanding or avoiding sex can feel like rejection to the wife. 

“We think it’s something to do with us. So we take the blame upon ourselves,” she explains.

When she met her future husband, she was relieved to find a man who was so open about his past struggles. He talked openly about his desire to keep their marriage “porn-free.” Rosie thought it was all going to be fine. 

But on her honeymoon, she discovered otherwise.

Honeymoon, Self-Awareness, and Healing: Ouch!

“Marrying a porn addict and finding yourself stranded six thousand miles away from home without a job, friends, or family was not the route to self-awareness and healing I would have chosen, but as crazy as it sounds, it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me.” ~Rosie MaKinney, from her book Fight For Love, pg. 110. 

Rosie immediately knew what had to be done. 

“Because I’d already had this prior experience in a previous relationship, I’d kind of done my years in the trenches already. I’d learned everything the hard way,” Rosie explains.

Early Intervention

“I said, ‘Enough! I am not doing this again. I’m not going round this merry-go-round again. It’s not gonna happen,’” Rosie explains.

Early intervention happened inadvertently because she wasn’t willing to experience the trauma again. Now she reports early intervention is exactly the right thing to do. 

“But nobody does it (early intervention) unless they’ve, you know, read the book. Or been strengthened and informed to do early intervention. Or, they’ve learned things the hard way,” she adds. This is why it’s so important for the church to talk openly.

“Porn Addiction” and How the Church Can Fight Back

Why would we not know early intervention is a solid approach? In both our two podcasts, this truth was probably the saddest for me to hear. Women don’t know about early intervention because we’re not talking enough about “porn addiction.”

For the sake of our sons and grandsons—all the men we love—the effectiveness of early intervention is crucial truth to pass on. 

Plus, we need to be aware that many women are getting hooked on porn, too. Rosie has much to say about the way women experience “porn addiction.” Also, what this means for young daughters and granddaughters. (Please listen to our podcast and watch for next week’s interview.)

Why Wives Often Think “Porn Addiction” Is Their Fault

Why don’t women ring the alarm bells? According to Rosie, a myriad of false messages make women hesitant to speak up:

1) The culture keeps telling us pornography is harmless. Actually, the culture says the Big P is beneficial and healthy for relationships like it will “spice things up.”

2) Our culture tells women the Big P is part of women’s liberation and empowerment. 

3) Even from our friends in church, we’re getting mixed messages. Christians tend to have a complacent attitude because there seems to be no escaping “porn-infested media.” We may think the Big P is NOT okay, but it’s kind of inevitable, as if “porn addiction” is every man’s battle. We’re tricked into believing a “porn-free marriage” in this century is unrealistic. 

4) Women are often coached in codependency. We’re told to be “more sexual, be more graceful, be more forgiving, be more loving,” reports Rosie, “you know, create this atmosphere where he feels loved enough that he does not want to do it.” Unfortunately, data proves that approach does not work.

Sadly, the messages are so confusing, we often don’t even realize that the Big P is something we SHOULD object to. Our own insecurities may keep us locked down in unhealthy patterns. Clearly, unless more women speak up, demanding better, the trend will just continue. 

Spread the Good News

My heart is breaking over the loss of innocence and intimacy. Is your heartbreaking, too? Countless broken-hearted wives and moms agree. This is a conversation we need to have in the church. NOW.

Christian brothers and sisters, don’t miss this chance to spread Rosie’s message among your friends and in your church. (For another terrific resource specifically for men, find links to Dave and Barb Howe here.) Especially for our kids’ sake, we need to be alert and diligent. Next week, Rosie comes back to talk about “Porn-Proofing Our Kids.” Stay tuned. 

King of All

Please join us as we proclaim this truth. Attacks degrading human sexuality are also an attack on God’s design for companionship with us.

God designed the universe to function in orderly ways. All nature and all science reflect God’s constant, unfailing design and His grace.

Evil forces can even highjack the airwaves for their twisted purposes, but it is God alone who establishes the order of the universe. 

The God who created the air we breathe is king of all, including the airwaves. Never forget it PLEASE pass on this blog (with all Rosie’s hyperlinks included) in your social media. Our culture is seeking intimacy and finding the Big P instead. 

Real Intimacy, Not the Fake Kind

I asked Rosie to talk about real intimacy and here’s some of what she said.

“This is the missing piece that people don’t realize. What people are wanting to do when they say, ‘We want porn out of our marriage,’ is they want the same marriage minus the pornography. And that’s the wrong goal,” Rosie says. 

We’re actually aiming for a completely new marriage based on authentic intimacy, claims Rosie. 

“Pornography was never the problem in the first place,” she says. “This was just a symptom. It was a ‘solution’ to the deeper problem which is an intimacy disorder.”

In our search for true intimacy, where should we look first?

Authenticity the Initial Step to Real Intimacy

Developing healthy relationships with true friends, means you practice skills which will translate into better relationships all the way around. Rosie explains that healthy relationships are a two-way street for both husband and wife.

“Your husband learns to develop intimacy through relationship with other men. Then, he applies those skills back to you,” she explains. “But you also learn how to develop real, authentic intimacy with other people by telling the truth to other people, to yourself, to your husband. Then, you have this completely new relationship. That’s the goal you’re aiming for.” 

Loving, confident humility is a theme throughout her book. For instance, authentic, natural confession and truth-telling lends itself to establishing true friendships, free of pretensions. Another theme is how to reach a community all around you that doesn’t want to come through the church doors. 

 To reach our weary culture, we need to meet people where they are. We need to be real about our own struggles. I’m really grateful to Rosie for giving us a powerful tool, offering hope and freedom to all. 

Next Week: “Porn-Proofing” Your Kids

Don’t miss next week’s episode, when Rosie talks to us about “porn-proofing” our kids and grandkids.

Our sacred stories often include pain of all sorts. If you’re looking for info on abortion, trauma, mental health issues,  or miscarriage, we’ve interviewed experts. For interviews with heroic friends who’ve dealt with sexual abuse, date rape, domestic violence, bullying, and much more, click here. Find more on making a parent feel at home and elder care.

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If you would like to JOIN OUR BOOK LAUNCH TEAM, just click here. When you sign up, you’ll get a fun freebie. Once in a while, I’ll also send you treats, exclusive offers, personal prayer requests, and behind-the-scenes stories. 

Along with the release of The Well, I’m working on the final draft of the marriage communication book in the next few weeks—all twenty chapters! Phew! Please pray.

May we pray together?

Dear Father, this epidemic of “porn addiction” feels overwhelming. It’s easy to feel isolated and alone in our misery and fear. Instead, grant us community and authentic conversations. Open our eyes to how You want us to reclaim the battleground. Establish us in community with others who offer trustworthy fellowship.

Self-loathing can be a habitual attitude. Yet, You present the truth to us. You loved us so much You sent Your Son to die for our sins. In steadfast love, He takes on our self-rejection and breaks us free. You wrap Your truth around us like a royal robe. On our heads, You place the glorious crown of Your loving salvation. We know we are worthy because You prove it with Your unfailing love. Shield and protect our families, O Mighty Lord of Hosts! In Jesus’s name, we pray. Amen.

We LOVE to hear from YOU!

How has God broken down your defenses to help you secure self-awareness? Who in your life reminds you of your priceless worth to Him? In what ways will you seek true intimacy this week by having an authentic conversation?

Cathy Krafve, Columnist, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and Christian Writer, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.