Nobody wants a broken marriage. Of course, we all want the happily ever after, fairy dust marriage. Where is the line for THAT marriage? Yet many of us reach a breaking point of frustration and pain in our marriage. Maybe we even wonder if there’s any hope. Eventually, we may feel like giving up.
“I showed up broken and wanting to hide,” says Susan Cox, Director of Re/Engage, about the first time she came to her church, Watermark Community Church.
Maybe marriage seems easy for some people. But for a lot of us, it’s harder than it looks. (Especially the communication piece, in my case!)
Probably all people can relate to feeling hurt at one point or another.
Wedding Vows Omission
“Girl, if I could go back to the day of my wedding, I wish the pastor had added in these two verses,” she laughs, “I wish he’d added in I Corinthians 7:28 which simply just says for those who marry, you’re going to have trouble.”
Next, she points to another informative verse when it comes to creating unity in marriage. Especially for restoring a broken marriage.
“I also wish he’d added in Romans 3:23 that just says, ‘For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,’” she adds.
Have you ever been to a wedding with those verses included in the vows? Of course not. Well, that is, unless you are in a very exceptional church. (In a step of faith, bring Re/Engage to your church. Or find out more.) Clearly, it’s no wonder marriage can mean such hard work!
Hiding and Broken
Often, churches can offer support and true help, even life-changing strategies. But not everyone feels comfortable in church. For instance, Susan remembers her first impression when she finally sought out some help.
“I remember sitting in that room thinking I cannot open my mouth and let these church people know what’s going on behind closed doors,” she says now, years later. “I mean, our story involved fights that escalated to the point that 911 calls were made.”
As she sat in the crowd she thought, there is no way these guys and gals can ever find out what’s going on. What would they think? What would they say about us?
In our interview, Susan shared much more about how hidden baggage from our past can create ongoing issues in a broken marriage. For example, she named family of origin issues like alcoholism and sexual abuse. (What do you do if you discover sexual abuse in family? Find our interview with Deb L. Butterfield. Or check out what Sarah Van Hook said on rebuilding family relationships after sexual abuse.)
“I had hotel keys in the bottom of my purse. I was in the middle of an affair,” she reports. “My husband was unfaithful as he was traveling coast to coast in business.” Plus, she was “entrenched in the throes of pornography.” (For more help, find Rosie MaKinney’s interview about porn addictions and porn-proofing your kids.)
Immediate Help for a Broken Marriage
Fortunately, the pivotal moment that morning came when the lead pastor spoke to Susan’s heart.
“Don’t think for a moment that you are seated in a room with perfect people,” he announced, according to Susan. “You are in a room filled with broken men and women. But we are here to serve and seek a perfect God.” Then, he shared some personal struggles.
“I remember leaning in, thinking, ‘I’ve never ever in my life heard a pastor be that authentic and that real.’ And I thought, ‘Man, if this guy is showing his need for Jesus, man, I need Jesus.’”
What Changed Their Broken Marriage?
Certainly, a broken marriage can feel pretty hopeless. Yet, Susan and her husband courageously took the steps necessary to create the marriage they always wanted.
So what did they change? First, they simply showed up and listened.
When her husband spotted an invitation to Re/engage in the church bulletin, he asked if she wanted to check it out.
“To be honest, I was so entrenched in the sin, that I said, ‘Hey, I don’t know.’”
But they showed up the next Wednesday night anyway. (For Father’s Day, I interview Scott Kedersha on a man’s perspective on fixing broken marriages. Don’t miss this Harris Creek Church Marriage Pastor’s story.)
Not Alone
“It’s so easy to get swept away by our need for intimacy and companionship. That’s a real opening for a lot of worldly, false substitutes,” she explains.
Even that first night, couple after couple shared testimonies about encountering struggles and trials and even significant crises in their marriage. As Susan and her husband listened, they began to feel less alone and hopeless.
According to Susan, the common denominators in every one of these stories became obvious. Naturally, the common denominator of brokenness and pain was sin. But the common denominator for healing and redemption and restoration is Jesus.
Is It Possible to Re/Engage a Broken Marriage?
Soon Susan and her husband committed to the process of healing their broken marriage. For them, help involved showing up for teaching, connecting to a small group, and jumping into a Re/Engage 16-week study. Pretty simple, right?
“Every Wednesday night we were pealing back the layers of our marriage.” Ouch! Pealing back layers sounds hard. But I know from personal experience, it’s better than coexisting in a painful marriage.
Before long, they understood that the porn and affairs were just symptoms. Like all humans, they were running to temporary pleasures trying to fulfill an eternal need only Jesus Christ can fill.
“Through this journey, through the horrific broken trust in the marriage and the hurt and pain we both encountered the love of Jesus Christ,” she exclaims. “When people call and share struggles in their marriage, I just want them to hear the hope all of us have. It’s Jesus. And there’s nothing He can’t redeem or restore.”
Hope: Telling the Truth
Today, Susan loves getting the word out because Re/Engage is working.
“But all it takes is courageous people who are willing to tell the truth to each other,” she says.
Clearly, good marriages are not perfect. But a good marriage can and should provide sweet companionship. Certainly, no one has to exist in a broken marriage. Because there is hope and help out there. (Sign up for all our Camp Krafve Fireside Talk Radio FREE blogs and interviews.)
“Every day I pull into this parking lot and I have key in my purse. But it’s the key to this church!” she adds triumphantly.
Four Changes to Restore a Broken Marriage
With so much victory, what are some of the changes Susan values the most?
“There are four things we did to put into practice on a daily basis,” she reports. “I stress the word daily. It’s not one and done. These are spiritual disciplines my husband and I have committed to.”
#1 Jesus. Susan describes it as a deep abiding in Him. Jesus gives us everything we need to love and to cherish and care for one another.
#2 Change as an Individual Responsibility. When there’s an argument, we have to be quick to examine our own heart, according to Susan.
“I can’t change my husband and he cannot change me. We’ve learned we have to draw circles around ourselves individually and work on that one person inside the circle,” she says.
For emphasis, Susan says this one change has really been a great thing in their own marriage.
“The way conflict looks now, when we conflict we step back and go okay, what part do I own in this?” she explains. “Then, in humility we come to one another and seek each other’s forgiveness. We confess and we ask the other’s forgiveness.”
#3 Commitment. Couples need to stay committed to each other.
“Jesus tells us when we marry, we marry for life. We marry until death do us part,” she says.
#4 Community. They commit to a small group of couples who will be there for each other.
“Every Thursday night we meet with other couples in our living room,” she explains. “These men and women spur us on and ask us questions. And we do the same thing for them. We hold each other accountable to have a marriage that honors the Lord.”
David and I Understand
David and I know from experience how hard marriage can be and how wonderful.
At first, when our marriage began to unravel, David and I thought it was just us. We felt isolated. Often, it seemed like everyone else had great marriages while we were failing.
As soon as we started telling others about the pressures our marriage felt, though, we discovered many couples faced the exact same issues. For almost twenty years I’ve been watching Watermark as normal couples came alongside each other to help support each other in their marriage.
Re/Engage Broken Marriages Where You Live
Joyfully, I want to thank Susan for sharing her story in such an authentic, meaningful way, offering really practical ideas we can all apply in our marriage today. I’m so honored to shout out to my cute sister who led me to the Lord over 40 years ago and most recently connected me to Susan.
All along the way, I wished we had something like Re/Engage here in East Texas. Now it’s available to bring to your church. If your church already offers Re/Engage, let me know and I will post in the coming weeks to help get the word out.
To sum it up, thank you to every single person who passes on Susan’s positive messages. Happily, positive messages do take root and grow into something redemptive and beautiful. May God bless us all, dear ones, as together we offer hope to a hurting world!
🙂
cathy
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
How has marriage surprised you? When was it hard to be humble or forgive this week? Most importantly, what would a terrific church look like to you?
With deep gratitude and tenderness, we thank you for listening to Susan and me talk very personally about healing broken marriages! Now, don’t forget to check out the Re/Engage website. Also, we absolutely love including you in all conversations. So send us your thoughts. (Sign up for all our Camp Krafve Fireside talk Radio FREE blogs and interviews.)
Plus, a Gigantic thank you to all who are sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. We are overwhelmed and humbled by all the positive feedback! (If you love the books, too, and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know.)
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, it’s not rocket science to realize marriages are hurting in our world. Yet, somehow we miss the message and think we’re all alone. Show us what is true, O Lord! Help us create community, real community where we can tell the truth and be real about what hurts. Especially in You Church, we want to honor You by admitting our failure and turning to Your beautiful Spirit for comfort and help. Help us abide in You. Unbind us from all condemnation. Create in us clean hearts, O Lord. Give us hearts to receive You, then extend Your love to others, especially our spouse. Bless us now because that’s Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’s name. Amen
You Are Dear to My Heart!
YOU are a crucial part of what we do. We depend on each other to spread these great messages we’re gathering from trusted, victorious leaders.
Gratefully, we know our books change conversations. Your reports fill our family and friends with joy. Our publishers and editors deserve a shout out for super-human, God-inspired work. (Thank you to CrossRiver Media and Elk Lake Publishing.)
Imagine being the one who puts a book in the hands of a beloved friend, then the ideas work! God uses the smallest offering in supernatural ways to bless all who participate in what He is doing.
P.S. More Adventures For YOU!
Next week, Susan returns and wows me with all she shares about creating community in your marriage and spreading it throughout the world. Amazing stuff! (Get all our Camp Krafve Fireside Talk Radio FREE blogs and interviews.)
Then in an added bonus, I’ll be posting two interviews of me, with my friends Sandra Beck and Angie Ruark. You won’t want to miss the serious, silly, and always unexpected stuff both these delightful hosts draw out of me. Oh my!
Just in time for Father’s Day, Scott Kedersha. Speaking of impacting marriages all across this country, Susan and a mutual anonymous friend (ahem, thank you CGPA) connected me with Scott Kedersha of Waco’s Harris Creek Church. Scott shares stuff to prompt all mommies to rejoice.
Additionally, talented Texan Miles Pike, musician and daddy to three, joins me to talk about how music inspires the hearts of your kiddos. Great stuff!
And Don’t Forget– You can invite me to join your Sunday school class, book club, or conference in person or through a special zoom link. (Contact me to join you.)
You are Invited to join the Fireside Tribe TEAM!
When you join our Fireside Tribe BOOK LAUNCH TEAM, you’ll receive discounts on books, group discounts, special offers, and options to have signed copies for your friends. Plus, you’ll be up-to-the-minute on insider news.
Best of all, you’ll help us push positive messages out there into a universe in desperate need of good stuff. THANK YOU!!!
Last, if books and book-writing are for YOU, don’t miss my list of great people who can help.
More Great Quotes
Finally, I can’t resist learning things the easy way, so here are a few of my favorite quotes about marriage from recent guests on the show:
“The adventure is in believing that (where) God is taking your family, your children, so much is hidden away in this spouse of yours. The husband’s job is to dig it out. Well, that makes for an exciting life.” ~Jack Sharpe
“The best thing you can do if you want to protect your kids is get it (pornography) out of your marriage. So you’re both on the same team. If this is your story in your marriage, it can actually be a secret weapon.” ~Rosie MaKinney
“Let your speech always be seasoned with grace. Gracious. Seasoned with salt. Just the right amount of salt. Not too much salt. I don’t like salty people. But that our words are kind. If we have to have a direct conversation with someone, pray it up first. Be kind. Think it through and be kind in that conversation.” ~Nancy Kay Grace.
Sign up for all our Camp Krafve Fireside Talk Radio FREE blogs and interviews.
Cathy Krafve, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We invite you to join the Fireside Tribe. Truth with a Texas Twang.
Trackbacks/Pingbacks