“Vows often say the words for better or worst. There’s a starry eyed bride and groom repeating the vows and when I see them I think they have no clue!” Nancy Kay Grace returned this week to talk about grace-filled families. “They have no clue what’s coming. I didn’t and I’ve been married for 45 years!”
“All couples are incompatible. We all married the wrong people.” she adds, laughing and paraphrasing Stanley Hauerwas, a prolific modern Christian writer and thinker who was born in Dallas, Texas. (I had to throw Dallas in there. Keep reading for more great marriage quotes at the end of today’s blog.)
So, how do we create grace-filled families? Where do we get the patience to keep loving when our people get really messy?
Dandelion Disaster
She compares grace in marriage to a dandelion disaster that cropped up in their yard.
Nancy, in an attempt to help her husband, sprayed each and every dandelion with Round Up. By the time he came home that evening, brown patches spotted their yard like a woman wearing polka-dots.
To his credit, he didn’t say much except to note the change.
“The next day, I was going to go out and dig up all the little brown spots,” she can laugh now about how she compounded her mistake. “So, now I have holes scattered across the whole front yard. It was a disaster.”
She chalks up her mistake to not asking for help. Boy, haven’t we all learned the hard way to ask the right questions! Obviously, Nancy’s heart was in the right place, wanting to help her hubby, Rick, but….
“If I had waited and talked through with him, talked through a plan, we would have tackled the problem and the lawn disaster would have been averted,” she reports, citing the advantage of working together as a united team. “It wouldn’t have looked like crop circles!”
Finally, the only natural conclusion of her front yard failure unfolded.
“At the end of that season we had to plant new grass. Totally tear it up and plant new grass,” she says, adding with a chuckle, “And also to keep the neighbors from laughing about what was happening at the Grace household.”(Find more of Nancy’s stories in her book, Grace Impact: When Our Lives Overwhelm.)
Marriage and the Grace-filled Family
Nancy explains why grace is so important in marriage to create a grace-filled family.
“We see each other at our best and we also see each other at our worst, when we’re frustrated and worn out,” she says. “The day to day life experiences of living as husband and wife creates the need for grace, which includes forgiveness and understanding,”
Surprisingly perhaps, when I asked Nancy specifically about creating grace-filled families, she began with marriage. Of course, I expected her to pick up with parenting. But, nope. Instead, she went to straight grace-filled marriages!
Marriage as the Foundation of Grace-filled Families
“When you take two sinners, a sinner of a groom and a sinner of a wife, even though we’re born again, we still are going to have problems,” she explains.
The relationship of marriage can become more workable with the grace of God, though, according to Nancy.
“We learn to love and to forgive and endure, and even embrace on another’s, um, oddness or personalities, that’s a better word, through grace. We are all sinners saved by grace. We care for the soul of our marriage by extending grace to each other.”
I can relate to oddness, um, I meant to say unique personality.
Even as we try to work together, all couples have “goof-ups,” as Nancy calls them. Keeping things in perspective can help us create grace-filled families.
“It was not a life and death situation to me. Maybe it was to the lawn,” she laughs.
Sense of Humor: Evidence of Grace
Okay, but what about those times when small things turn to anger and arguing almost instantly?
“One thing is you have to have a sense of humor in marriage. I don’t mean to take everything lightly, but don’t take yourselves too seriously,” she says.
Plus, there’s great news even when our goof ups create more work for each other, even in grace-filled families.
“But God’s grace reaches us and we extend that grace to one another. We have to be grace-givers,” she explains, “Especially in this grace-starved world that’s cynical and bitter. You have to extend grace. Be kind.”
Extending Grace to Ourselves
What about when we mess up? When is it okay to give ourselves some grace?
If you read this blog often, you know self-condemnation is a recurring theme. I’ve learned the hard way how self-condemnation overextends my own authority, tempting me to judge and condemn others. One symptom of self-condemnation is trying to fix mistakes, or worse deny any failures, pretending to be perfect.
In contrast, resting in grace and self-forgiveness means we trust God and others to forgive in grace-filled families. But how often as humans do we panic and try to make things right? Often. Long before we take into account the other people involved and their responses.
“I thought, well, that didn’t work, so I’m gonna try this and make it better. And all I did was make it worse,” says Nancy describing her natural response to her dandelion disaster.
Grace and Codependency?
Failing to extend grace to myself can pop up and short-circuit my relationships. So I asked Nancy about the difference between grace and codependency. It’s one thing to pray, look for a miracle, and extend patient grace. However, codependency is a whole ‘other thing.
What about when you see a Christian friend try to extend grace longer than they should? Even putting themselves in danger.
With so many years experience in her role as a pastor’s wife, Nancy had some enlightened things to offer us all.
“First of all, in assessing a situation, if abuse is there, whether it’s emotional, or spiritual or physical, take a step back and see how does that relationship, how do you feel about yourself in that relationship?” She offered these additional tests.
- Do you feel safe?
- If you don’t feel safe, what are the triggers?
- What causes you not to feel safe?
- How often do unsafe things seem to happen, even small things?
- Do those things happen repeatedly?
Faux Grace = Codependency
If you hear yourself thinking, well, that’a just the way that person is, that’s an excuse, according to Nancy. There are times when you have to give yourself grace. You have to extend grace to others, but we don’t have to give them a “pass.”
“In relationships that are difficult, we can get lulled to sleep, so to speak. Well, that’s just the way it is,” she explains.
Nancy explains how it looks when you give someone a pass. For example, letting someone talk to you in a cruel voice is not acceptable.
“Well, at what point? That’s up to each person in the situation to know the specifics of what to do, but examine the relationship. Look and see. Is this a toxic relationship?”
But there is danger for everybody when you mistake codependency for grace. By letting it pass, you set them up to repeat the cruel attitude.
Unkind attitudes and behaviors are not grace for you or the other person. We give people permission to sin without realizing sin is destructive to everyone.
God Lavishes Love
Always remember, God lavishes love on us. Our marriage, indeed, all our relationships should be seasoned with grace.
“Is it a toxic friendship that causes me to feel more self-condemnation? I don’t need that,” she explains. “At that point try to gently bow out of it.” But she adds an option I particularly like for creating grace-filled families.
“Or have that hard conversations. Col 4:6 says let your speech always be gracious seasoned with salt so that you know how to answer each person.” (Conversational adventures are a powerful way to stay connected.)
Pause, Ponder, Pray, Proceed Judiciously
If you’ve already read my books, you know I included an approach I find works: Pause, Ponder, Pray, Proceed Judiciously. (Find Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished.)
When dealing messy hubbies or adult children, how do we extend grace in hard situations? According to Nancy, prayer is foundational for creating grace-filled families.
“Continue to pray about it. Pray specifically about it. Ask God for His wisdom in the situation. Ask God for His insight to show you how to show grace. How to be kind,” she says. She gave me a list of practical tips, too.
- Watch your cynical comments.
- Don’t give your children a pass to be disrespectful to you.
- Set respect and kindness as the atmosphere in your home by setting the example.
- Be open to conversations, even difficult ones.
“Let your speech always be seasoned with grace. Gracious. Seasoned with salt. Just the right amount of salt. Not too much salt. I don’t like salty people. But that our words are kind. If we have to have a direct conversation with someone, pray it up first. Be kind. Think it through and be kind in that conversation,” says Nancy.
I really love Nancy’s big, beautiful heart. I hope you listen to today’s interview, so you can hear the heart of what she shared, including more personal stories from her own family.
You Are Dear to My Heart!
Thank you for reading and listening and being a crucial part of what we are trying to do. We depend on the input and encouragement we get from friends.
Recent reports of the way our books are changing conversations fill our family and friends with joy. Our publishers and editors deserve a shout out for super-human, God-inspired work. (Thank you to CrossRiver Media and Elk Lake Publishing.)
Imagine being the one who puts a book in the hands of a beloved friend, then the ideas work! God is at work. He uses the smallest offering in supernatural ways to bless all who participate in what He is doing.
Thank you to every single person who gets what we are trying to do. Thank you for passing on positive messages where they take root and grow into something redemptive and beautiful. We share the same heart. May God bless us all richly, dear ones!
🙂
cathy
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
Thank you to all who are sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. We are getting such positive feedback and your stories mean the world to us!
From the bottom of my heart, also, thank you for listening in to my interview with Nancy about grace-filled families! Don’t for get to check out her website. Also, we absolutely love including you in all conversations. So send us your thoughts.
How has grace looked when you messed up? When was it hard to offer grace in a small thing this week? How do you explain grace to people who don’t know Jesus yet?
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, You offer us grace daily in a zillion small ways and some pretty major ones, too. We are Your grateful people. Help us create grace-filled families. Give us hearts to receive Your grace and extend it to others. Free us from self-condemnation. Give us the power to forgive ourselves and others when messes happen. Bess us now because that’s Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’s name. Amen
P.S. More Adventures For YOU!
Coming soon–Susan Cox— Re/Engage Director Susan Cox shares her story with authenticity that will touch your heart. Are we blessed or what? I feel like I scored a celebrity guest for you in Susan.
Then, just in time for Father’s Day, Scott Kedersha— Speaking of impacting marriages all across this country, Susan and a mutual anonymous friend (ahem, thank you CGPA) connected me with Scott Kedersha of Waco’s Harris Creek Church.
Just in time for Father’s Day, Scott shares stuff to prompt all mommies to rejoice.
And Don’t Forget– You can invite me to join your Sunday school class, book club, or conference in person or through a special zoom link. (Contact me to join you.)
You are Invited to join the Fireside Tribe TEAM!
When you join our Fireside Tribe BOOK LAUNCH TEAM, you’ll receive discounts on books, group discounts, special offers, and options to have signed copies for your friends. Plus, you’ll be up-to-the-minute on insider news.
Best of all, you’ll help us push positive messages out there into a universe in desperate need of good stuff. THANK YOU!!!
If Books and Book Writing Are For YOU!
Also, if you want literature to feed your children’s imagination, check out Bethlehem Books. Find out what publisher Jack Sharpe said about resurrecting books and values that unite us. I especially loved the startling things he said about marriage, too.
Because so many of my friends have asked, I wanted to share the following info.
Of course, my agency Credo Communications, offers a sister company, Credo House Publishers to make your publishing dreams come true. (Shout out to our agent, the amazing Karen Neumair! )
Additionally, our friends at Redemption Press are trustworthy and faithful. (Shout out to Athena Holtz, who published B.J. Garrett’s wonderful book, Unwanted No More.)
Perhaps you don’t want to self-publish. Maybe like me, you want all the help you can get. If so, I highly recommend both my publishers, Elk Lake Publishers and CrossRiver Media. They are awesome!
Finally, If you need help with social media, Sandra Beck excels at ANYthing she does. (Who but Sandra thinks to put the word fun in her hyperlink! http://beckfun.com/sandrabeck/) And if you’re considering a podcast, Toginet makes it easy on the host, so you can focus on your guests.
More Great Quotes
I found a couple of other quotes for you because I love learning things the easy way:
“What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility.” ~Leo Tolstoy
“I have known many happy marriages, but never a compatible one. The whole aim of marriage is to fight through and survive the instant when incompatibility becomes unquestionable. For a man and a woman, as such, are incompatible.” ~G. K. Chesterton
Cathy Krafve, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We invite you to join the Fireside Tribe. Truth with a Texas Twang.
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