Women get to do a lot of things now and some of our adventures are overwhelming and scary. My theory is strong, successful women almost universally struggle with control and perfectionism. Michelle Lazurek shared some more insight. Find her story, Anxiety and Depression: I Surrender All (Sort Of).
“As women we get a lot thrown at us. A lot of times, we’re expected to do it all perfectly. And keep it all under control,” laughs Michelle. As if.
When Control and Perfectionism Don’t Work
Sure, we know control and perfectionism are no answers, but still we have questions.
If we stop being perfect, who will hold our life together? Will anyone else guard my marriage? Who will keep loving my child who is messing up? Exactly when did anxiety replace joy in my life? When did I forget how to belly laugh?
“When you can’t control your thought life your emotions quickly follow,” reports Michelle.
Sometimes, control and perfectionism overwhelm us. But how do we exit the merry-go-round? Michelle shares how surrender changes everything.
“Surrender means I say, ‘I’m not the boss. But you are, God.’ Can I be honest? Surrender stinks.” Michelle Lazurek, from her book, I Surrender All (Sort Of): Laying Down Our Plans so God Can do the Impossible.
Surrender Our Most Powerful Tool
Sure, we all still feel panicky sometimes, but do we have to live there 24/7? No, we do not.
Surrender can be our most powerful tool to shake free of our own anxiety, isolation, and depression.
What Surrender IS
Surrender is NOT giving up and quitting, according to Michelle. Instead she describes pausing, taking a deep breath, and letting God meet you where you are.
“Just let Him do what He’s going to do,” she says. “Because I’m so infatuated with wanting life go my way that I’m trying to manipulate and control circumstances all the time. When you can’t do that anymore you kind of lay down that thing.”
In her life, learning to surrender yielded amazing fruit.
“That [surrendering] made me free to just bask in His plan for my life. And honestly, I think He spoke to me more freely and honestly and more frequently during those times,” she says. “So it drew me to Jesus. I really understood the Holy Spirit better I think through that.”
How Anxiety Spirals Out of Control
Lies can distort our relationship with God, according to Michelle, leading to times of anxiety. Why? Because we forget (or don’t know) the truth of who God is. She offers some examples of lies we may start to nurse in our hearts:
- Why doesn’t He love me?
- God doesn’t love me as much as other people?
- He does not favor me.
- God is not good all the time. And He certainly wasn’t to me.
- Or at least not the way that I wanted Him to be.
“Once I was having so many panic attacks I felt that way all the time,” she explains, sharing a common experience. “Control was no longer an option because I didn’t have any control.”
However, things were about to change, especially her anxiety.
“I had nothing except to cling to Jesus. So when I say I was in the best position of my life, it’s because I was,” she laughs. “I’d never had the opportunity to be as free as I was in those moments. Because I really had to stop striving.”
The Controlling Parent
I asked Michelle about surrendering as a parent and she shared very personal insight to encourage us all.
“I had a very controlling mom. So that’s actually where some of my anxiety stems from as a little kid,” Michelle reflects. “She had some anger so oftentimes she would yell. I walked on eggshells a lot.”
Like so many people, Michelle never heard her parents say they were sorry for anything as she grew up.
“So I had to learn [forgiveness] as an adult. So it was so much a crash course in Christianity when I accepted the Lord,” she says.
Because she did not grow up in a Christian home, Michelle explains that grace and forgiveness were ideas she discovered in the Bible as a young adult. Her church became her family and safe place to learn about Jesus.
“I had to live out Bible concepts because I took my Bible and read it,” she says. “That’s what I wanted for myself. I guess I had to learn how to accept God’s grace and had to learn what that grace was. Forgiveness was a huge lesson. I did not know how to forgive.”
“I definitely had a lot of false shame,” she adds.
How False Shame Relates to Condemnation
Often, false shame is the driving force behind control and perfectionism.
As I listen to other women share their stories, I’ve picked up on an important truth. A truth I lean on frequently for my own well-being:
“All condemnation of others is rooted in self-condemnation.”~ Cathy Krafve
I really want to offer grace to others. And, yep, to myself. For that reason, I’m so happy to share Michelle’s insight behind our human drive for control and perfectionism.
Identifying False Shame
Here’s some examples of how false shame and self-condemnation sound in our heads, according to Michelle:
- You’ve done this wrong thing and you’re a terrible horrible person because you’ve done it.
- I’m no good.
- I can’t do anything right.
- I’m done.
“Well, that’s not what Christ says. That’s contradictory to the word of God,” she explains. “That’s the false shame Christ wants to eliminate from our lives.”
Why Write About Surrender?
Even as Michelle worked through anxiety and depression in her life, she knew God would help her write about it eventually.
“And so this is a product of love and hope for people just like me who are dealing with anxiety or depression or mental illness and they’re afraid and they don’t know where to go,” says Michelle.
Michelle encourages people to reach out to each other. Here are a few ways:
Love Through Spiritual Gifts.
“I think spiritual gifts really come into play here. I think the way you show love to other people is through your spiritual gifts, the way God’s wired you,” says Michelle. Hospitality can be just one example of how spiritual gifts may help those with anxiety.
Offer Real Hospitality.
“We think of hospitality as inviting friends over for pizza after a long week and that is part of it.”
But hospitality was really about messing up your life for the sake of the gospel, according to Michelle.
“When you look at people welcoming people into their homes that were otherwise unwelcome in town,” she says. “When you think about the little ways that we can show hospitality when we may not even know it. Like, offering a tissue to a friend who is crying.”
Encourage Each Other.
“Encouraging words are huge. Just saying words that help others. I would say to people try not to minimize what they’re going through,” she says.
Avoid saying things that pressure the other person in unhealthy ways.
“Instead, ask a question,” she suggests. “If you don’t know what to say, ask them, ‘How can I help you right now? How can I help you today?’”
Be Vulnerable.
“Allow yourself to be vulnerable,” says Michelle, “and say, ‘I don’t know what to say or do in this situation, but I love you and I want to be there for you. How can I help you deal with that?’”
Offer What You Can.
It’s okay to offer even the smallest help.
“Even if it seems like pittance in comparison to someone else, do it!” she says. “Because the littlest act of kindness goes a long way for people.” Especially if they’re wondering if other people are going to reject them for their struggles.
“I really struggled with that when I first came back to the church. I was nervous. People were gonna judge me. People are gonna look at me wrong. I had a few that did but for the most part people were very loving and accepting.”
She adds it’s great to do the practical stuff like, cutting their grass for them or weeding their flowers. Anything that says, I’m here for you.
Seek help.
“There should be no issue with getting help from a counselor or trained professional that can help you do that,” explains Michelle.
Let Your Church Shine.
“That’s where the church really separates itself from a club. It’s the only organization that shouldn’t be looking out for itself,” says Michelle. Being less about membership, less like a club, and more about being the hands and feet of Christ.
You can spread awareness in your own church easily. For instance, you can download Michelle’s interview and play it as a starting point for conversation in your Sunday School class.
Self-Condemnation Leads to False Shame and Perfectionism
Finally, why is condemnation a driving force behind control and perfectionism?
“Here’s why? Because condemnation is what heaps false shame on people. Because that’s what He died for. We’re not made to carry the weight of shame. Christ took that on the cross.”
Now she turns to the Bible for freedom from all condemnation.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.” ~ Romans 8:1
Better Judgement
“I do say that judgement is different than condemnation. Judgement is actually a good thing for the Church,” she adds.
“Judgement, however, says, you’ve done this horrible thing, let me help you,” says Michelle with tons of compassion and empathy filling her voice.
Women With a Voice
In moments like this, I love mentioning friends like Erin Kerry, Colleen Long, and Paula Quinn because their work is so complimentary to what Michelle is doing. Please look for their interviews on Fireside Talk Radio.
There’s something so exponential about women coming to gather with positive, authentic, victorious messages. We are all a small part of sharing great messages for a better culture. I am grateful for all YOU do to honor Jesus in a hurting world! I LOVE being part of YOUR team!
🙂
cathy
Praising God as We Go
I want to praise God for some recent blessings and invite YOU to join in future fun with these groups.
So that’s a big praise God for special friends and leaders: OCF‘s Terry Bates and John Trosclair and DIH‘s Grace English and Tammy Whitehurst.
Deep in the Heart (DIH) women’s conference brought together many old and new friends. We are praising Jesus for meeting us there! Now please pray for our leaders as they make plans to obey God for more Deep in the Heart adventures.
Finally, don’t miss the fun and insight of Gina Butler and Callie Lee as they bring their bring mother daughter hilarity to serious Bible wisdom. Confident Faith in an Anxious World.
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, how silly of us to think control and perfectionism can appease our wounded hearts! You created and love us in our humanity, including all our frailties and idiosyncrasies. Yet we often reject ourselves. Accidentally even. Then that self-condemnation spreads in our families and communities like a contagious virus. Help us, O Lord! Teach us to trust You. Help us know the real You. The loving, true God of the universe. We praise You, Jesus, now for your sacrifice on the cross releasing us from all condemnation. Teach us to walk in the forgiveness and grace You model like the good brother You are. Help us, beautiful Holy Spirit, to depend on Your unfailing love. Bless us now because that is Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
How has your idea about surrender changed? If you could rest in God’s love, what area needs surrendering in your life? How could surrendering to Jesus as YOUR Savior change your life today? God loves you and wants to be your trustworthy companion.
More Favorite Quotes:
“Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly.” ~Anonymous proverb
“Anxiety is the handmaiden of creativity.” ~T. S. Eliot
“It is well with my soul.”~Horatio G. Spafford
Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We welcome your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com.
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