I needed to reboot a marriage. My own marriage. I was tripping David with the way I communicated. If only I could summon up more courage and humility. But I felt crushed, defeated, and very, very insecure.
And angry. Why did everybody else seem to have great marriages but me?
Susan Cox, Re/Engage Director at Watermark Community Church in Dallas, joined me to talk about how we reboot a marriage. Both our own and those hurting marriages all around us.
Truthfully, over 37 years ago I didn’t know the best ways to communicate. Eventually I was so frustrated, I didn’t care. Still, it hurts me to remember I was so ineffective in the way I communicated that I risked our marriage over it.
Susan offers us the simplest, best approach ever!
Reboot a Marriage, Couples Restoring Each Other
“Humility melts the heart of stone. Colossians 3 tells us we are to bathe ourselves in humility,” says Susan Cox, Re/Engage Director at Watermark Community Church in Dallas. Then, she adds with a laugh, “Husbands and wives, if you’re listening, when you get dressed every morning, we should bathe ourselves in humility!”
Humility. Simple, yes. Easy, well, ahem, maybe not for some of us!
Through Re/Engage, Susan joins tens of thousands of couples to share tools to restore and reboot a marriage anywhere people are ready for a change.
“The beautiful thing about this is it’s the gospel. The core principles of this ministry is God’s word. It’s God’s people. It’s God’s Spirit,” Susan adds.
Unsung Marriage Champion
Not that she would ever admit it, but God is using Susan as something of an unsung marriage champion. All because she humbly sought help and had the courage to step into authenticity herself.
First, she and her husband had some work to do rebooting a marriage of their own. (Find Susan’s story.) Fortunately, they found a community of couples willing to help and encourage along the way. Next, she grew to trust the scriptural principles because she realized they work. Eventually, she gained so much passion for marriage restoration that she simply couldn’t stop talking about it.
Now she directs Re/Engage, a ministry equipping couples to help each other. As news spreads of it’s success, growth has been crazy with churches calling regularly to bring Re/Engage to their communities.
“Yes. We are in 430 churches around the globe. We have served 70,000 couples through Re/Engage. It’s not only just in the U.S. We are now in Indonesia, Hong Kong, Canada, Poland, and Okinawa, Japan.”
I felt very honored to interview her. I couldn’t wait to pick her brain about how to reboot a marriage. (A big shout out to my sister who connected me first with Susan and then, just in time for Father’s Day, Scott Kedersha.)
Humility on the Agenda
From the beginning, I remember Watermark Community Church hitting the pavement in being authentic. Courageously, they talked seriously about what Jesus does in our lives to help us. Weekly, leaders shared personal struggles, both failures and victories from their own lives. Because we all have issues.
Honestly, I was a little astonished as I heard reports from friends. Who does that?
Susan stepped into the church as a wife carrying lots of wounds. At Watermark she witnessed marriages all around her. No, they weren’t perfect marriages. But they were thriving, growing, cherishing marriages. (More about restoring and rebooting marriage in Susan’s story.)
In fact, a whole team of Watermark leaders saw the need to talk openly and authentically about how their own marriages are challenged in our modern culture. For example, they include some well-known leaders, like Elder Emeritus Todd Wagner, Scott Kedersha now Marriage Pastor at Harris Creek Church in Waco, and John McGee who authored of the Re/Engage curriculum.
“Watching these men live out what scripture has called them to be as husbands,” says Susan, “And then to teach us what does it look like to have a godly marriage” transformed her view of marriage.
Years later she describes the godly husbands and wives she knows like this, “Follow me as I follow Jesus.”
Where Do We Turn?
“I learned if I want to have a godly marriage, I’ve to got to be a godly wife. And my husband has got to be a godly husband,” she explains. “Where do we go to learn that?”
Luckily for Susan and her husband, Watermark leadership wanted humble accountability. Okay. But let’s face it. Sadly, not everybody gets to be in a church with humble leaders. Still Susan claims we all have an easy way to get help.
Not only does God’s word give us every single thing we need to live a godly, full life, according to Susan, but there’s more.
“He has given us everything we need to live a marriage that glorifies Him and honors Him.
Good Communication Follows Humility
Susan talks about learning to listen and communicate humbly with her hubby
“I know that I need to be humble and gentle and kind in my speech to him,” she explains. “I learned that when there was disagreement with him, I could come to him and share my concerns in a way that was respectful. In a way that was going to be heard. And the same thing from him to me.”
Often marriages suffer in many ways, like double standards or a poorly defined understanding of what scripture actually teaches.
I shared a lot of practical ways one spouse can transform a marriage without the help of the other spouse in my book, Marriage Conversations. In The Well, I analyze over forty ways Jesus created one transformative conversation.
So, I paid close attention as Susan described how to complement, rather than compete with our spouse.
“I even learned about being a completer. My role is to come alongside and complete the mission. Not to compete,” she says. She describes letting go of a “twisted view of submission.”
“It’s beautiful when you have a husband and wife on that trajectory of just pursuing Jesus because we have everything we need to love and care for each other,” she adds with joy. (Catch my interview with scholar and publisher Jack Sharpe about drawing out the glory of your wife.)
God is Working
“Another thing we have to remember that if a spouse is not a believer, we cannot expect them to act like it,” she explains. “You know what I mean by that? If my spouse doesn’t know Jesus, why wouldn’t he be running to drugs, porn, all the things?” (Also, Susan recommends a book by Joy McClain, Waiting For His Heart: Lessons From a Wife Who Chose to Stay.)
Certain challenges call for prayer, according to Susan.
“In the really hard seasons of our lives, I have learned to be a prayer warrior. The Lord does hear our cries. God is working all the time even when I don’t see it.”
She describes approaching her hubby in the gentlest way. But if that doesn’t work, she says there’s more. Even if you’re in a terrible situation with your husband and you don’t know what will make it better, community will help, according to Susan.
Community Is So Sweet
Surrounded by men and women who love both spouses, a couple can begin to heal and know Christ’s love in a unique way.
“That’s why community is so sweet,” says Susan. All it takes is a little humility.
Humility may not necessarily seem easy, but David and I learned the hard way, humility reboots hearts when things get tough. For example, Susan describes turning to their community group in critical moments.
“We’d widen the circle. ‘Hey guys, this is where we are. This is where we feel stuck. Would you guys speak into us and help us take the step forward? That’s going to bring healing,” she emphasizes.
“It’s natural to look and point fingers at the other person,” explains Susan. “What’s supernatural is to say, ‘Man, I blew it, Babe. Will you please forgive me?’”
Since hard hearts are the root of divorce, I listened closely when Susan describes the remedy.
“Humility, I’ve watched it over and over even in my own marriage, melts a heart of stone,” says Susan.
Susan packed this interview with so much stuff for marriages. Please don’t miss the full podcast.
Because I know some marriages seem unsalvageable, may I add my prayers to hers on behalf of us all? Then, let’s find ways to support each other in fostering healthy, cherishing marriages.
Let’s keep building humbly on a foundation of authenticity in our churches. And honor the Savior in the process as we tell the truth about our frailties.
Thank you to every single person who passes on Susan’s positive message today! Happily, positive messages do take root and grow into something redemptive and beautiful. May God bless us all, dear ones, as together we offer hope to a hurting world!
🙂
cathy
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
Which conversation do you need to have with your spouse? What is the risk associated with bringing up that topic? How can your church support you as you start a gentle life-changing conversation?
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Plus, a GIGANTIC thank you to all who are sharing my books with your friends. The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. or The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. All your feedback overwhelms and humbles us! (If you love the books, too, and want to get them for your Bible Study or Sunday school or, heck, any group, just let me know.)
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, all around us marriages are hurting. Often we don’t have a hint until divorce happens. Open our eyes and give us grace for each other. Teach us to humbly reach out and mend broken hearts. Strengthen those, like my new friend Susan, who face the pressure every day in this battle for healthy marriages. Restore and reboot people in marriages we all know of right now that are hurting. Inspire us to have the humble, tender conversations that unite family and community, especially in our churches and families. Teach us to trust You. Fill us with Your beautiful Spirit and let us find comfort in You. Bless us now because that’s Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’s name. Amen
❤️
Thank You from the Bottom of My Heart!
Naturally, YOU are a crucial part of what we do. We depend on each other to spread these great messages we’re gathering from trusted, victorious leaders.
With joy, our books are also equipping readers to have life-changing conversational adventures. Your reports delight our family and friends!
Plus, a special thanks to our publishers and editors at CrossRiver Media and Elk Lake Publishing. Since God uses the smallest offering in supernatural ways, please give someone a book or a blog today.
P.S. More Adventures For YOU!
Next week, I’m sharing a lively conversation with Neita Fran Ward and Sandy Newton on Art Connections. We cover tons of territory for creating life-changing, community-uniting conversations! You’ll LOVE it!
Then, Scott Kedersha. Just in time for Father’s Day, Marriage Pastor Scott of Waco’s Harris Creek Church joins me to talk about impacting marriages, especially your own! Dads and moms will LOVE this episode created with the guys in mind. Certainly a great one to listen to together!
Then in an added bonus, I’ll be posting two interviews of me, with my friends Sandra Beck and Angie Ruark soon. You won’t want to miss the serious, silly, and always unexpected stuff both these delightful hosts draw out of me. Oh my!
Additionally, talented Texan Miles Pike, musician and daddy to three, joins me to talk about how music inspires the hearts of your kiddos. Great stuff to share with dad’s in June!
And Don’t Forget– Of course, you can invite me to join your Sunday school class, book club, or conference in person or through a special zoom link. (Contact me to join you.)
NOW For The Regular Good Stuff–
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More Great Quotes
Finally, I can’t resist learning things the easy way. So here are a few of my favorite quotes about creative conversations from recent guests on the show:
“I showed up broken and wanting to hide,” says Susan Cox, Director of Re/Engage, about the first time she came to her church, Watermark Community Church. (From last week’s interview. Find it on Fireside Talk Radio.)
“It’s sad we have such self-protection. We don’t want to let people in. We hear it all the time, but people don’t want to let others in. They want to protect. They want to hide….And they’re hurting.” ~Scott Kedersha, coming soon to Fireside Talk Radio.
“The adventure is in believing that (where) God is taking your family, your children, so much is hidden away in this spouse of yours. The husband’s job is to dig it out. Well, that makes for an exciting life.” ~Jack Sharpe
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Cathy Krafve, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. We invite you to join the Fireside Tribe. Truth with a Texas Twang.
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