So, this is what happens when you let your co-host read the intro. She changes the title of the episode! And here I thought we were talking about rebellious teenagers! Silly me!
“We are talking about rebellion in teenagers. I changed your title because I think rebellious teenagers is kinda giving teenagers a bad rap,” laughs Anna. “Rebellion in teenagers is a better title because there’s rebellion in my heart and I’m way past being a rebellious teenager!”
Yep, my parents dealt with a ton of rebellion in my teenage heart. Now it’s just God and me dealing with my rebellious heart. And all the people who love me.
Of course, I don’t think of myself as a rebellious person any more. And there are times when rebellion is appropriate, let’s just tell the truth about that. But not always and not often.
Seriously, Anna did a great job with the intro and I learned a little something about Anna’s heart. And her sense of humor. No wonder her students love her!
“I regularly open my prayers to God with, “God I am thankful You are God and I’m not.’ And it’s said with lots of attitude,” laughs Anna.
Great Questions About Rebellious Teenagers
Still, there are times when we have to stand up for what is right. Then, because our stand is contrary to the cultural norm, people around us may take it as rebellion. Even so, we must stand in obedience to God in spite of our circumstances.
What if your rebellious teen is just trying to tell you something? When it’s our own rebellious attitude that needs checking, it can be hard to admit.
What does it mean when your teens are trying to become independent? How do we guide them so rebellion does not become a self-destructive theme in their life?
How do we know when it’s time to stand and speak up for what we know is true? How do we soothe the hearts of teens?
These are crucial questions for parents to ponder. They all boil down to teaching our kids civil responsibility by modeling it in our home.
Civility: The Undervalued Character Quality
In our modern times, the loudest, meanest voices seem to get all the attention. Sadly, a regular skill set for public relations experts includes “walking back statements.”
Since civil responsibility begins in the home, no wonder our public discourse has become so jagged. Clearly, we need better, more civil conversations at home to start.
“You can stand for what is true and you can be very civil about it,” says Anna.
To help with what exactly civility means, we adopted a Camp Krafve better definition.
Camp Krafve definition of civility—stewarding emotional energy wisely for self-restraint and self-discipline in behavior and when speaking to others.
James devotes quite a bit of space to the challenge of reigning in our tongues.
“But no one among mankind can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, these things should not be this way.” ~James 3:8-10
We’re living in a very contentious time in America, so let’s begin with civility.
Stewarding Emotional Energy
“To me the part that sticks out is ‘stewarding emotional energy wisely.’ Because I remember being a teenager, or in parallel universe being pregnant, and being emotionally overwhelmed. I was physically so drained,” Anna says.
Life can be overwhelming sometimes with so many things coming at us, especially as women. Therefore, it was hard to be civil. Sometimes, we simply don’t have the emotional energy we need to be kind.
“So this idea of stewarding emotional energy wisely, with purpose, even as an adult and a grown woman, I love that phrase,” Anna says.
She recently realized the growth hormones inside her when she was pregnant were really setting her up well to be sympathetic with her children and her students when they had growth spells. Because growth hormones are very draining, according to Anna.
“As an adult the only time you experience them is when you’re growing a baby. Your emotions just spike all over when you’re pregnant, just like a teenager, just like a three-year-old with their temper tantrums,” she adds.
Similarly, I’ve noticed old people can be kinda teenager-y in their attitudes, too.
“Maybe they’re having hormonal changes, too,” laughs Anna. Okay, that’s only funny if you’re not old yet.
Stewarding the Teenage Years
Honestly, I don’t know that I managed my kids’ teenager years so well. I had a lot of fear and anxiety about being a rebellious child myself.
I fully expected to pay the price of my foolishness as a youth. Fortunately, Anna sees it from a different perspective.
“I remember my teenage years being anti-climatic to most of my friends, which is lovely. And you very graciously learning, but I remember it being pretty smooth sailing until I hit 17,” says Anna.
I have this theory that even the best kid will pull against parental reigns at 17, say right before they leave home for college or career, because they are supposed to become independent. The process wears mom out and helps her turn over the reigns.
“The reason it (the 17th year) stood out is you referenced it a few times later. When it was long past and would no longer offend me. You said that year was more of a struggle from your perspective, too,” says Anna. “But overall, the things you did and the philosophy of treating us like adults worked well.
Every day is a learning curve when you’re a parent. But when they’re over, the teenage years seemed like they sped by too quickly.
Tips to Soothe the Hearts of Teens
So, I gleaned a lot from what Anna shared in this episode. Maybe You’re thinking, I’ll listen to podcasts when they leave for college!! In case the teenagers in your home swamp your time and emotional energy, here are some helpful thoughts:
#1 Understand the way authority flows.
For instance, Jesus was touched by the centurion’s understanding of authority.
“The centurion replied, ‘Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, “Go,” and he goes; and that one, “Come,” and he comes. I say to my servant, “Do this,” and he does it.’ When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “‘Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone in Israel with such great faith.’” ~Matthew 5:8-10
#2 Understand maturity is hard work.
“We talk about teenagers and we also mention that any stage of life you can be rebellious. The goal is always to be mature in this stage of life,” says Anna. “And living a life under authority is hard work. Being civil is not an easy thing to do.”
#3 Value hard work.
“Probably one reason my teenage years were relatively smooth sailing as we went, even though I had all the normal overwhelmedness, was because you guys made sure we had work worthy of our powers.”
I wish I was that smart, but truly, they just loved working at the barn. It was all their idea to seek work as wranglers. Anna also suggests volunteering, caring for younger siblings, and self-learning as ways to instill a work ethic in your kiddos.
“It was dear the way you always gave us good work that we got to pursue. And you gave us enough freedom that we got to pursue it in a way that fit our personalities and our desire for freedom as teenagers,” she says.
#4 Identify leadership traits in your home.
Young leaders tend to test authority. It may be part of how they learn. Their hearts soothe down when they know you understand their need for independence.
When our son tested my authority, I always told him, “No one wants you to be autonomous more than Mom. I really want you to be an adult male who is a good leader and has authority.”
#5 Give your child a vision for their future.
As parents, we coach our kids to be a responsible adults. We can help our children develop a vision for what their adulthood is going to look like. And how we can help them get there.
A Will of Their Own
Parents love to say, “Kids have a will of their own,” especially when their teens mess up.
However, that is not the whole of the truth. Truly, parents have a will of their own, too. We are responsible for our decisions as a parent. So, we must step up.
For myself, I wanted to spare my children the kind of bad decisions I made as a teenager and young adult. Motivating teens can be, ugh, so hard! If you’re living through a challenging time with your teenager, I believe we have a few more ideas to encourage you.
A Story and a Prayer
In today’s FTR episode, Anna shared a story about an elder gentleman who handed her son a 2 dollar bill at the grocery store, praising her son’s decision to obey his mommy with a good attitude.
“I have a new prayer because of a sweet moment with my son. I’m gonna start asking God, ‘Please show me Your provision,’” Anna says to sum up how one man’s kindness took the edge off a struggle of the wills between mother and son.
“If you’ve ever taken an unhappy 7-year-old to the grocery store, you know that is really hard work,” laughs Anna.
Her story made me want to carry 2 dollar bills around with me.
“That was my son’s resolution. When he is an older gentleman, he tells me he’s gonna carry 2 dollar bills in his pocket,” laughs Anna.
Young Leaders Push Back
When you have a child who pushes back, often they do have a strong will. In fact, they may reason and think with confidence. That’s a leader in the making.
If you teach them the sweet flow of authority, they will make a great leader someday. Probably even sooner than you expect!
When you teach young leaders in your home that you can be confident, firm, and kind, their expectation are molded in the direction of civility. You’ve taught them what the norms should be.
Of course, they’ll get out in the world and they’ll be leading people who are really messy. Those folks may not respond with civility.
If you’re raising a rebellious teenager, I want you to know, we’re not labeling him or her as rebellious. No sir! We’re labeling them as a future leader!
And YOU are the coach for the job. We want to thank you for the hard job you are doing. Good work! Anna and I are proud of you. We know it’s not easy, but your child is so worth the effort!
🙂
Cathy
P.S. Remember, we are still enjoying daily inspiration throughout October from the Successful Christian Women’s Summit. If you missed the start date, it’s not too late!
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We LOVE to hear from YOU!
What encouragement has helped you steward your emotional energy when it was hard to be civil? When has what you thought was rebellion turned out to be leadership? What did you do when you felt overwhelmed by hormones or life’s curve balls?
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, You know my own rebellious heart. Forgive me now for interrupting the flow of authority in my life. Help me turn to You for wisdom. Teach me to overflow with your beautiful Holy Spirit. Quench rebelliousness in my heart and home with respect for You. Teach me to love as You love with persevering, unfailing love. Guide me to steward my emotional energy so I can be civil in all circumstances. Reign in my tongue. Bless us now because that is Your heart[‘s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Better Conversations with YOUR Teen!
Good communication makes good humans. Every home needs better conversations. BTW, I share why seeking wisdom is built into your DNA in my book, The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations. You’ll love the way Jesus modeled GREAT communication skills in His conversation with the woman at the well.
Or if rebellion is making your family more uncomfortable than a hornet’s nest, you’re gonna love my ideas for rebooting your family, no matter what your circumstances!! Marriage Conversations is about hanging tough and encouraging yourself and others when relationships get hard, as they always do sometimes!
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
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