Our modern codependent culture tells us it’s perfectly normal to reevaluate our own design. Then, to top it off, offers countless options to change whatever we feel uncomfortable about, including our own gender. Fortunately, God’s divine design includes the power of true identity.
How do we foster confident hearts in a culture that keeps telling us self-rejection is normal and healthy? The secret is knowing our true identity.
For my first guest in a series on identity, I invited Robin Melvin to speak to us about God’s divine design for each one of us.
True Identity or Cultural Disintegration
Robin is no wimp. When I asked her about all this identity confusion in our culture, she immediately took up a big, churchy word. Sanctification.
“Sanctification is this big, churchy word, but it’s really not that difficult,” says Robin with a gentle chuckle. “It just means to seek holiness. To seek after God and be set apart for His work. And to become like Christ; we were designed to. Genesis 1:26 tells us that we were made in the image of God.”
True Identity: A Lifelong Journey
Then, Robin eloquently pulls together what it means for our culture when modern churches steer clear of teaching on this very crucial topic of true identity and sanctification.
“Yes, that’s key in our culture. Actually in the church culture unfortunately. I believe it is Oswald Chambers who mentions sanctification is taking on the qualities and characteristics of God.”
If not in church, where else will we be reminded to seek after God? Well, for those who crack open a Bible, it’s there, too.
“And He wouldn’t tell us to do it, if it wasn’t possible to seek after Him and to take on His characteristics and His qualities,” says Robin, reassuring our doubtful hearts. “And yes, it’s a lifelong journey. Because we will never obtain the fullness and holiness completely of God.”
Robin’s got a good point.
In a way, I have to wonder: Is the current cultural disintegration directly related to how far removed Christians are from sanctification? I like the idea of changing the culture one good conversation at a time, especially about true identity.
More Like Him
Our aim is to become more like Christ, according to Robin. And there’s a lovely fringe benefit to seeking Him and sanctification.
“So we not only live out our divine design and purpose here, to love God and love people. But once we can be transformed on the inside — be sanctified — we can reflect that to the world. That’s our mission that Jesus left us with.”
Personally, I think life gets easier when we understand God designed each one of us. For instance, if another person is mean and rude to me, it’s so much easier to be myself without getting entangled in their drama when I remember my God-given design. He didn’t design me to lose my temper. Ouch! I’m not saying it’s easy, just easier.
Seriously, I find I have the energy it takes to respond patiently with others when I remember God has a purpose for my life built into my design. Yep, even my passionate responses are designed for good, if I can just remember to be more like Jesus!
Freedom By Design
Knowing God designed us, gives us freedom in two ways:
1) Such understanding lets us be the people God designed us to be; kind, patient, loving, sacrificial.
2) It helps us remember the other person might just be having a bad moment. Even if their bad moment is lasting lifetime, so far. Hurting others is not who God designed them to be either.
Such knowledge is very empowering.
The Chameleon Mindset
In contrast to sanctification, Robin offers some enlightening thoughts about what she calls The Chameleon Mindset.
“Like a chameleon, we often tend to blend in to our surroundings to be accepted, to gain approval. We don’t want to be different. But we’re called to be different, right?”
Teenagers, an easy example of the temptation to blend in, but all humans want to be valued and accepted. To the point that we’ll keep our opinions and ideas to our self, even when it’s painful.
Robin knows from experience what it means when families can’t talk openly.
“My brother was killed in a car accident when I was about, I think I was fifteen. So a lot of these things were never talked about,” she shares, adding, “Instead of just being able to know I was made for something different. Or we are all made for something different.”
Self-forgiveness, and Sanctification
So, how do we to help your children be real and NOT chameleons? How do you teach your kids to be the exceptional person God wants them to be when everybody else wants them to be average?
“It’s a challenge. I guess what I’ve modeled, especially in writing this book,” says Robin. “But God just brought a lot of healing for me. It’s been really cool to see my adult children, they’re all adults now, how they’ve responded to see my transformation. And to see my confidence come out.”
I asked Robin about a story she shared in her book about trying to fix the perfect lunch for her parents.
“That was the day I invited Christ into my life and I said, ‘Lord, you gotta lead me because I made a mess, you know, I made a mess. I was a good person, I was raising some good kids, I was a good little army wife. But I was so broken inside, so empty and guilt ridden, and just so many regrets.”
In a little church, she says God drew her that day and she accepted Him to forgive her and to help her live her life. She walked out of that little church and “the day was brighter.”
“I remember thinking, What a thing to be stressed out about what are you going to feed your family when you get home. But it was such a knee jerk reaction for me. It was just how I rolled. It was a stressful thing. My parents were visiting so it had to be perfect.”
Suddenly, she realized tuna sandwiches were good enough. I love that story so much because I love tuna sandwiches. Besides, her tuna story shows clearly how God’s Spirit clarifies our underlying value. Once we let the superficial stuff fall, we’re so much freer to enjoy life.
Forgiveness and True Identity
Forty years ago, when I first started sharing about my abortion with my closest friends, a dear friend told me this:
“You’re gonna know things about forgiveness the rest of us won’t know. “ Such comforting words from a compassionate friend!
Forgiveness and sanctification complement each other, so I couldn’t wait to ask Robin her thoughts.
“What’s interesting was when I was a brand new believer there in Arkansas, I knew I had to forgive. Our pastor had us learning verses.” She quotes Ephesians. 4:32.
“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”
“I knew right away I needed to check that box. Okay, I’ll forgive,” laughs Robin. “So I did with certain people in my life. And certainly with my parents, there was some forgiveness needed there. But as a baby Christian, that was enough.”
In writing her book, she discovered again an important truth about forgiveness.
“Wow! I often say that forgiveness can be very layered and very lengthy!”
Confidence Fuels Empathy
In our conversation on the podcast, she offers a whole lot more about how painful moments along the way remind us of childhood hurts. And how to gain empathy for our parents. Click to hear her thoughts in her own voice.
“Empathy is a huge thing for us to be able forgive. Whether it’s ourselves or other people.”
Our confidence comes from knowing we God designed each one of us. Confidence fuels our compassion and empathy for everyone around us, even those who hurt us.
Robin dug deep as she wrote, pouring so much of her heart and life into the pages.
What a privilege to share her friendship with YOU! I hope you pass along her gentle wisdom to those you love.
🙂
Cathy
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
Which childhood memory stands out and why? When you think about the future, how do you get clarity? What verse strengthens you when you feel unloved or inferior?
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, we know you love us. You delight in the design You gave each one of us. But sometimes we forget. We think we should make ourselves more tolerable to the world, a world intent on rejection. We blend in so one notices our own unique quirkiness. In all this fear and foolishness, we ignore Your truth: that You LOVE us. In fact, You see our value even when we reject ourselves. You provide direction for our life, if we let You. You heal us and help us reach the potential for which You designed us. Help us pass on the beautiful truth to our children that You love each of them, too. As we go about our day, help us spread the truth of Your love as gently and lovingly as we can. Bless us now because that’s Your heart’s desire. In Jesus’ name. Amen.
Better Conversations
Communication, especially in families, can be hard! I wrote two books on better conversations. So far.
In The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations, I analyze how Jesus took one woman from isolated to influential in one conversation. She immediately changed her whole community.
Then, Marriage Conversations, From Co-existing to Cherished can spark better conversations on any topic with your hubby and your whole family. Life-changing stuff.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️
Cathy Krafve, host of Fireside Talk Radio and author of The Well: The Art of Drawing Out Authentic Conversations and Marriage Conversation: From Coexisting to Cherished. Your stories, ideas, and questions welcomed here!
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