This week, Ellen puts me in the hot seat and SHE asks ME the questions. How do conversations create the intimacy we all want? Sadly, I learned way too much stuff the hard way in my search for intimacy.
Why did I write a content-rich book on how to have authentic conversations? Certainly, our culture really needs this book right now. But I wrote it because I need it. Maybe you feel the same. It seems folks all around us are giving up on their search for intimacy.
Like me, do you have people in your life you can’t seem to connect with no matter how hard you try? Do you feel like you often struggle to reach the hearts of those you love most? Maybe there’s someone in your life who seems just plain ornery.
I Felt Unloveable
Even as a kid, I wondered why some people seemed to be better at friendships. I felt I wasn’t good at relationships. I didn’t know it then, but my search for intimacy had already begun. Looking back, I think some of my feeling of unloveableness was a communication issue.
I grew up in a home where we were encouraged to speak up. My mom was pretty diplomatic, but my dad just blurted out whatever he thought. He taught us to speak bluntly, too.
I definitely think there’s a place for straightforward talk. In my book, I spell out ways to use assertiveness like Jesus did.
But as a little kid, blurting things out probably cost me some sweet friendships along the way. Honestly, I didn’t monitor my thoughts very well. Thinking back, what I said often sounded harsh.
Thinking Independently
“We taught our kids to think for themselves and we were surprised when they didn’t agree with us.” ~Ann “Mema” Primer, in one of our family’s favorite quotes.
The first time Mom said this I laughed so hard. All great parents have that bewildering moment when our kids pop out with some crazy idea we certainly didn’t teach them! Mom thought it was hilarious that we all picked up on this bit of wisdom.
My mother, being the more diplomatic one, didn’t like some of the stuff coming out of my mouth. In contrast, my dad really worked at teaching us to think for ourselves. Think of how much of Mom’s intentional wisdom I ignored! Naturally, she did NOT expect something she said accidentally to be quoted for generations.
My Early Fails at Intimacy
By nineteen, my life was pretty much a mess. My search for intimacy led me down some painful paths.
I accepted Jesus and then began to study the Bible with my usual intensity about self-learning. The woman at the well caught my attention from the first moment I read her story. I was told people in her community saw her as a promiscuous woman. For that reason, I was ashamed to admit I identified with her. I didn’t want my new Christian friends to suspect my background. Have you ever felt like hiding from well-meaning friends?
“People tend to gloss over that story,” Elle points out in our interview.
“Well, probably people feel embarrassed like I did. Some people might,” I laugh. “Who wants to teach that one, you know? You have to admit you were kinda like her, right?”
“Or you teach it and people say, ‘Wow, you’re really good at teaching this story,’” laughs Ellen. Wink, wink. “How do you know so much about that topic?
Exactly. Who wants to take the questions that come after that lesson, right?!
I NEVER wanted to look closely at the woman at the well, much less dig over 40 communication principles out of that story! Not in a million years did I think this uncomfortable Bible story would be my first book!
Jesus Looked on Her with Delight
However, when I began to dig into the New Testament for communication principles many years later, this story did an upside-down-back-flip in my imagination. My parent’s desire to teach me to think analytically paid off.
As I studied the story from a fresh perspective, I began to suspect that my preconceived ideas about this dear woman were false. I saw her through eyes of delight, as Jesus surely sees her and all of us.
As soon as I started writing, there were two truths I wanted on every page. 1) Communication is really the basis of ALL companionship. 2) Jesus is the Great Communicator.
Clearly, those two truths are so crucial for our lives. I felt they were worthy of a book. If we want true community, our search for intimacy includes great communication skills.
“I’m biased, but I think you’re right. And I think it’s brilliant,” Ellen says.
So, what can we learn from Jesus? How can we become terrific communicators?
All Time Best Communicator
Once I got married, I realized David and I argued over things that didn’t matter. Our marriage began unraveling. After a while, it was too much.
Finally, I knew I had to do something different in my own home. If you want intimacy in your relationships, you’ve got to be able to talk openly. So, I started searching the scripture.
No doubt, Jesus is one of the best communicators who ever lived. Even people who don’t believe the Bible still acknowledge Him as one of human history’s all-time greatest teachers and influencers.
The Bible teaches Jesus left heaven to come to earth to communicate with us. That’s important information. Maybe I could discover what He was doing in His conversations. If I searched, maybe I could pick up some tips.
Think about it, everything He shared then we still talk about today.
Search for Intimacy
From my study of the woman at the well, one thing is clear to me, God intends for every woman to have the same kind of cherished position and companionship He gave her. Truly, He wants us to find Him in our search for intimacy.
If we’re looking for intimacy, there it is. She arrived alone. He begins a new relationship with her. The story ends with her surrounded by people who respected, loved, admired, and listened to her.
“Who would not want to be that person, right?” says Ellen.
Oh my gosh! Every woman wants that.
No Credentials
When I started showing my manuscripts to publishers, I was told I didn’t have the credentials to write such books. I agreed. I never went to seminary, therapy school, or studied psychology. The normal credentials publishers look for weren’t anywhere in my resume.
But writing The Well convinced me God isn’t looking for man-made credentials and diplomas. He’s looking for people who are willing to listen to Him and be honest. So simple.
There’s one thing that was special about the woman at the well. She was ready to hear what He said. She was willing and ready to hear HIS message. And be honest with Him.
Authenticity the Best Credential
Jesus invites the woman at the well to be honest and open with Him. But she has a choice to make.
He says to her, ‘Go, get your husband.’ He didn’t force her or guilt her. It was just an invitation. She could have gone and never come back! Basically, vanishing would have been a real temptation for me.
But, because she acknowledges her lack of a husband, the whole conversation takes this amazing trajectory. Suddenly, she’s catapulted toward all the powerful influence He’s about to give her. He prepares influence for her and she opens it up herself by participating in the process. How? She’s very, very truthful with Him. Wow! There’s one of many lessons I needed.
Confident Women Need Jesus
The woman at the well has a ministry in my life. For sure, my confidence got a boost seeing God use her, one lone woman who was ready.
If you’re ready, God will use you. Actually, He will come find you. I know now we can freely ignore the negative things people say about our lack of credentials. If God is in it, He’s gonna do it. If you’re willing and ready, He’ll use you!
Who would have ever thought I would have two book contracts with two different publishers within a week of each other. That’s crazy! God wants to do what He wants to do. He doesn’t need anybody’s help, including mine. All we have to do was be ready and willing to obey. Then, one step at a time do what He tells us to do.
Why Communication Matters
“Communication is such a vital topic in every part of life. You can be the best leader, the best mom, the best husband, but if you can’t communicate, well, it’s gonna really sabotage your relationship,” Ellen points out. “I know you’ve talked about how John 4 transformed your conversations with Dad, do you want to delve into that more specifically?”
“Yes. We’re looking at a culture right now that’s tripping. We’re even seeing violence because people don’t know how to talk,” I responded.
There’s a million communication books out there, so what’s not being said?
“There was one thing I learned I wasn’t doing very well, especially with your dad. I would just tell him what I thought,” I told Ellen. “All women do that. We think we know stuff. Honestly, we do know stuff! We blurt it out to our husbands and they don’t take it the way we meant it.”
One of the things I discovered in scripture was that women are predesigned to seek wisdom. It’s one of our callings. So, naturally, we do want to share the wisdom that we accumulate.
I wrote a whole chapter to give women confidence about claiming the wisdom God has given them. People will reject wisdom, but it’s okay to claim it. I also wrote a bunch of stuff about strategically presenting truth with compassion.
Authenticity Can Be Scary
When I first began creating new communication tools, every bit of it was scary for me. First, my column in the newspaper. Then later, I added blogging and podcasting. Speaking in public. Keeping videos short. Ouch! All of it hard.
This process began for me long ago. When I made a decision to talk openly about my abortion, I trusted God. It was hard, first with close friends, then publicly.
We had long conversations about the decision in our family because I knew my message would reflect on everyone in our family. There was a lot that happened behind the scenes before we ever did anything in public. I was truly afraid.
What I soon discovered, though, is the more vulnerable and authentic I was, the more women opened up and shared their sacred stories. The more I trusted God with my story, the more He brought amazing women into my life. God is trustworthy. He will open up authentic companionship and intimacy in our lives if we let Him. No doubt about it.
How you can help…
Since you read all the way to the bottom of this page, I’ve got to believe you are just like me–you want to spread as many life-giving messages as you can. Are you motivated by encouraging others with truth and wisdom? Me, too! You can join us, especially in prayer, in reclaiming our culture for the kingdom, one good message at a time.
You can spread the word about The Well by clicking here to join our Launch Team. To learn more about how team members can help, click here.
To order a copy as soon as it’s released, sign up here for our Book Club. You’ll get occasional emails with the latest news, freebies, prayer requests, and some behind-the-scenes stories. But we won’t swamp your email box, I promise.
May we pray together?
Dear good Father, we turn to You now because You are the Master Communicator. We all experience confusion about communication–or lack of it–in our closest relationships. But our pain and isolation dissolve when we listen for Your tender voice. We get distracted easily and miss the intimacy You plan for us to enjoy. We feel alone and abandoned. Yet, You seek us out and affirm our value. You view us with delight, Your beloved children. We are the offspring of Your own heart. Today, let us respond with delight to the love You joyfully offer. Oh, how we love You! In Jesus’s name. Amen.
We LOVE to hear from YOU!
What is your favorite place to talk? Who in your life encourages you the most? What ways will you find to have life-changing conversations today?
Cathy Krafve, Columnist, Speaker, Blogger, Podcaster, and Christian Writer, invites your stories, ideas, and questions at CathyKrafve.com. Truth with a Texas Twang.
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